As We Wake Up

As I lie in bed, as the day starts, before my feet hit the floor, I list all the reasons I love me. Yes, I do. Don't you? And if you don't, why don't you? It isn't conceit, it is confidence and listing all the reasons why you love yourself is a confidence builder. No one can love you as much as you love yourself. No one knows you better than you, so don't you know all of your love-able ways? One of my good friends calls it her "Why I AM the Shit!" list(I love it.. though I am not calling myself poop).  On this list you write all of the things that make you.. You. The things you love most about yourself( if you have nothing, we have serious work to do) Your laugh, your smile, your walk, your talk, the way you treat people( even when they are douche bags) etc. I am going to sound like a cheerleader here, ready? Self-worth is AWESOME! And when you love yourself, you know your worth. And when someone knows who they are and what their worth is; people who are negative and full of drama run for the hills. Believe me, they do. Let's clarify the difference between conceit and confidence: Conceit is usually a mask to cover insecurities. Most people that play at conceit are nasty to people and always rip other people apart. What they say of others they usually feel about themselves and none of it is nice. Confident people on the other hand, don't care what others think. They waste no time defending themselves against lies and liars, it is a waste of time, so they keep it moving. They are usually very personable and sure of themselves. Their self-esteem has been built from within, so compliments, though nice, aren't what motivates them. It is what they believe about themselves that keeps them going. The light that emanates from people like this is always bright and beautiful( if you believe in such things, and I do) and negativity can't abide them long. Everyday I strive to be this person and help others become this. Hence the list, the ultimate confidence builder. Write the list! I know some of you become embarrassed about writing nice things about yourself(why? I don't know), but can give me all of the bad things! Focus on your goodness, be kind to yourself. I will give you one: I love how I love people. Try and write at least 10 things that you love about You.
Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly... Love for yourself! 
Gotcha:)

Why Write?

The world took over my life for awhile and I didn't have or make time to write my blog or even in my journal, and I found I was getting sadder and sadder. It took me some time to figure out why I was feeling, at times, emotionally overwhelmed (sounds very dramatic, but true), it was due to the fact that I wasn't releasing my feelings on paper. Writing is cathartic for some of us. Some days when you feel as if you can't put a coherent sentence together; get pen and paper and be amazed at all you CAN say non-verbally. I am a better writer than speaker, some would say to this statement that I am full of it, they hear me talk all day. But that is work, not saying what you feel at all, could you imagine if we all said exactly how we feel at work? It would be lovely, but expect to be shown the door. Growing up I was told to "Not wear my heart on my coat sleeve." which means don't let people know what you are feeling. Be more analytical, less emotional, listen instead of speaking and stop being so thin skinned! Well when you are a kid and you hear this... a lot, you learn to repress emotions. You start to second guess what you really feel and are afraid and too distrustful to share what you feel. This makes for sticky situations in any relationship you are trying to maintain by the way. Because you never say what is really going on with you emotionally, how can anyone gauge where your mind is? I had a difficult time speaking, because in the back of my mind I was always wondering if I was being judged, was I saying too much? Was this information going to be used against me later? Talk about paranoia and fear! So I became more a listener and when you become The Listener, you will then attract to you people that don't want to hear your stories, they just want to talk about themselves; the ultimate one-sided conversationalist. And how can you be irritated by them? Isn't this what you wanted? To hide? Enter writing! One day I had had it up to the ceiling with something or the other and couldn't verbalize it. I was so frustrated, so I do remember going up to my room and grabbing one of the many journals that I would buy and never use, and I just started writing, and writing and writing, I couldn't stop. When I was finally done, I felt relieved and then guilty, can you believe guilty? I felt that I had betrayed my upbringing. Isn't it sad how we hold on to these idea's that if we speak the Truth we will betray others?  Well too bad, once the words hit the paper there was the truth, in black and white. For me there was no turning back and I didn't want to, writing had become therapy. The more I wrote, the easier it was to talk and listen to people. My sense of my own power, of self, my perceptions about situations started to change once written down, and once that changed I didn't care if I was being judged for my own feelings. Those judging are going to do that anyway, right? Writing has helped me with my goals: write them down, put them where you can see them and they keep you honest. You can't lie and write. Think about it; who are you lying to? Yourself!  We have enough of that going around, don't do it.  I will leave you with this: For me, writing is exploration; and most of the time, I'm surprised where the journey takes me. 
Jack Dann  

Wishing you all Love and Peace, but mostly Peace! 

Whistle While you Work

      "Whatever you are, be a good one"

       Abraham Lincoln

I love that quote, it says all that needs saying. Whatever you do or are, be good at it, but can we also add be happy? How many people can you count that are actually happy with their jobs? High or low pay, corner office, secretary, one hour lunch breaks, and still miserable. And when people aren't happy with the job they have, they tend to not do a good job, they called that back in the day "low morale." Some call it getting fired quick, I call it taking up space and wasting time and money; yours and the company you work for.  Research has shown the correlation between low morale and work performance, which equals thousands or millions lost for the company. I understand, as I am sure you do as well, why people stay on jobs where they are completely miserable. Heck! I have been one of those people: Children, bills, car note,groceries, did I say bills? But I wish I knew then what I know now: That changing my perspective on my position in Life and on the job, depended on my thoughts about me and my worth. Not on what other people considered success, which is usually what your title is and how much money is attached to that title.  Back in the day I was a Maid, there is no shame in that. Nor have I ever been ashamed, until I met someone who tried to shame me! When I told them I had been a maid and had my own cleaning service years ago, they looked at me with incredulity. They asked me, in a whisper by the way( as if they were saying a dirty word) how that felt? I responded that it was hard work, but perfect for a clean freak( which I am!) and someone who doesn't want to talk to people and at that time in my life I didn't. You see, I was excellent at that job. I loved stepping back and seeing a job well done and smelling a clean house or office and most of all; I was Happy! This is the whole goal in life isn't it? I met two people this week( and it is just Wednesday) that made my day with their enthusiasm about their jobs. They don't have high powered jobs or a corner office, one is a cashier at the Dollar Store and the other a cashier at Dunkin' Donuts. But man! Are they happy and when I thanked one of the ladies for helping me, you know what she said to me? "No problem! I love my job and I love helping people." WHAT!? She loves her job,she loves helping people and she is good at it! That is the key to being great at whatever you do in any position. Not just going through the motions to pay the bills, but waking up ready to be the best at being happy on your job. Regardless of who or what you have to deal with, positive or negative, change your perspective, adjust your disposition and watch your world change with you. Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

P.S- if you want to read a great book on how to have passion in your work and Life, read: The Fred Factor by Mark Sanborn

A Love Letter

As I sit here and write to you Eloy, my brother, I can't help but laugh. The memories of us as children, the laughter, the fights(rare), the abuse and all of the love we shared, fill me and sometimes overwhelm me. When we met I was eight and you were six, your mother had taken you and your older and younger brother's from your dad and my father took a suitcase and his... dick. But okay, my mother survived and a new family was formed. There you all were, my step-brother's, as Mexican as I was Black, and we didn't care, most children don't. I knew from the moment I met you that we would be close and we were. Thank you to my mother who explained to all of us that there is no such thing as step or half brother and sister: "You are her brother" as she pointed at you and me "And she is your sister!" end of story. I remember only one 'bad' argument between us and I believe it was due to teenage angst more than anything. But believe me, I still find myself getting mad that you took someone else's side over MINE!? How dare you! And I know if you were here, you would find this totally hilarious. You would bring up how I didn't talk to you for two weeks, how I cried and said you never take sides against me (who am I? The Mob?!) The memories make me laugh of us cooking together, creating cleaning and eating contests for the other siblings, saving money together so that we could take the younger brothers and sisters to the movies and have pizza parties. How giving you were, even as a little kid; I remember telling you the story when I was around ten, about how my white kitten was killed by a dog. The next time I came to the house for daddy/kid(s) visit, you had a picture of a white kitten for me with your signature and "I love you," at the bottom of the portrait. I still have it by the way. I am grateful to you for sharing your secrets of abuse with me, told in whispers and a lot of hand holding. I told you some, but not all, because it was still going on, how could I? I think you already knew anyway. Just like you said to me when you came out "I know you already know Lynn, you are smarter than the average bear!" And there is that sense of humor that I loved beyond anything else. How you could and did laugh with your whole body. That fall out of the chair, hold your stomach type of laughter that siblings have when they are all together and there is always that running joke that no one else gets. I could list so many things that made you special: Your sense of style (which is one of the many reasons you loved my Mama! Both clothes hog's), you died before the term 'Metro Sexual' but boy does that fit you! Your supreme loyalty and honesty, until the end. With every death it seems comes a sense of guilt, your death is no different, we all think there was something that could have been done differently.There wasn't. That big disease with the little name took you and you went the way you wanted. Alone. So you too! Independent with a flair of the dramatic. How could I not respect that? All I could do was be mad and laugh. When I met your friends they all said how you always talked about your brother's and sister's how proud of us you were and how we all have such a sense of style; so for you we dressed to the nine's on your goodbye day, red lipstick and all. You would have loved it! I need you to know how much I love you. That I was always proud of you, that even in our disagreements the love was there. You were and always will be my Best brother and I always wished you Love and Peace, and now you have both. Peace my Eloy. 

Ssshhhh....

There was a game we would play when I was a child( I believe created by my mother!) who could sit silently for at least twenty minutes?  Without the television, radio, book, no distractions, just yourself and your thoughts.  I could never win this game! I needed questions answered, I had things to say and I needed to say them right NOW! Quickly! Before the thought flew from my brain, out of my ears, never to be seen again. My Mama was a quiet woman. Spoke when she had something to say and didn't babble, nor did she tolerate it from others, especially a daughter who couldn't be quiet. Oh yeah, that would have been me. Ssssshhh! she would say "Lynn( nickname)! Silence is golden." Mama's nice way of saying SHUT! UP! The S word in our house was considered a swear word, just like being called a Babbler was tantamount to being called a bitch. "Lynn, YOU are babbling and must sshh!" that shushing by the way was said so quickly sometimes it felt like a slap. As I got older, my mother decided to use my teenage vanity and ego against me to get silence: "Lynn, you know Men don't like women that talk a lot." Really? I would ask. "No, they will think she is dilly and full of empty thoughts" Mama would say. Now did this work? Of course it did! I was fifteen and thought I was The deepest, most evolved person alive. I couldn't have boys or anyone for that matter believing otherwise. The Silence Project began. What did this entail? Not feeling that I needed to be a part of every conversation and if someone is wrong with their facts on any given subject, let it go. Silence became golden! I learned, at around sixteen, to relax and just listen. As I have become older, the Silence Project has only gotten better. I have come to enjoy moments of stillness, silence and my own inner workings. Silence has stopped arguments for me, I don't respond until I am ready. When I am sad, angry or even happy; a moment of silence to ponder things over, reminisce over the good memories or go over what went wrong and how I can make it better or not, always helps. I have become that silent Woman (Lord! I am my Mama:) who can listen and take what I need and leave the rest. That Woman that doesn't have to fill the quiet with empty words to feel full. My best thoughts and idea's come from sitting silently,then getting to work and feeling that overwhelming sense of satisfaction. Peace, be still. Peace, be silent. 

Intuition

I can only speak from a woman's point of view, because last I checked; I am a Woman. So speaking as a woman, I will say this: I don't understand women. How many times, throughout time, has this been said? Mostly by men probably, but when said by a women; I think it carries more weight. I just made myself giggle, because I am sure someone just called me sexist, in reverse. I don't understand women in a different way than what men are referring to; there is no love connection that is frustrating me, no displaced emotions, no unrequited love situation, just a woman not understanding her gender. We women have a power that is so underutilized it frightens me. Women have Intuition. Now we have people that will poo-poo female intuition, say that it is a myth, crazy talk, etc. I beg to differ. It's there, but ignored, cast away and second guessed, called pms-ing or a mood swing. We are so out of touch with trusting our own gut feelings that we relegate them to pre-menstrual syndrome? How sad is that? I can only speak from my own experiences and some have come the hard way because I didn't pay attention or refused to face what was in front of me. One case in point: The Case of the Man that beat my ass while driving down highway 41. When I first met him, my gut said, in a clear voice: "RUN! He is crazy!" You think I am making this up for your amusement? I am not. I told everyone he had issues, he wasn't for me, then why did I end up with him? So when I was being chased down Rush Street, being cursed at and slammed into my car, punched in the face(while driving) and my right shoulder being yanked out of its socket; could I be surprised people? I saw it. I KNEW it would come to this, intuitively. We sometimes see what we want, we agree to this "blindness" we give our permission to shut down and tune out to what is a gift; our inner feelings. Sometimes the Truth can scare us, take our breath away with its brightness and our own feelings, when connected with Truth, will only lift us up to a higher level of intuitiveness. Don't run! embrace it and trust your gut. Even if you have to be a not very nice girl, let that female dog out. Let her roam free and proud, checking the perimeter for danger, barking when she needs to, biting when necessary and sweet when she is rubbed just right. Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly Peace.  

Love, Oh Love!

There isn't anything, well besides the flu, that makes you feel as sick as love. Nausea, bouts of dizziness, a racing heart rate, how we vacillate between happiness and despair, it is disgusting! I realized that I was Falling some months back, it wouldn't go away, believe me, I tried to deny it. You see; I don't make time for the Man/Woman relationship thing. I work, I write, sometimes at the same time. I am not one of those hard career women that are bent on never being in a relationship mind you. But been there and done it and have the scars to prove it, so I wasn't looking, and WHOOP! there it is. It has been so long since I have felt these "butterflies" that I actually thought I was getting sick, seriously! I was asking myself "What the HECK is wrong with you?!' Then it hit me, and I felt giddy with happiness. Only love can give you that feeling. How could I have missed the signs? When he walks into the room, how I only want to talk and be near him? I actually listen and hear him when he talks. His opinion matters to me! WHAT!? I feel like a Woman around him and I act like one, YUCK! I am no wilting flower nor a DID ( damsel in distress) but I feel really girly  and sexy around him and I love it. Love does this, you don't even know there is a void until you start to feel it and it is a feeling that we should never be without.  It is okay to want and to feel love, we will deny it out of fear of being hurt instead of just allowing it to Be. It doesn't make us weak, love really only strengthens us. If you have been through relationships that didn't work, and I have, regret nothing! These are the experiences that will teach us, if we are ready to learn, how to be comfortable with who we are and attract the "perfect" person for us. We aren't perfect, but Love is and when the right person finds you; your love will be perfect for each other. Love heals. Love binds wounds. Love is hope. Love is pleasure. Love is happiness and laughter. This love I feel will be our secret, but I feel such gratitude to know I can still feel this way and that I am open to feeling this way. Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly.. LOVE! :) 

Hey! I'm Human.

I have come to realize, maybe late, that it is okay to have hurt feelings. It is also okay to feel disappointment. Neither one will kill you, they just hurt, sometimes badly.  I won't lie to you; I don't like being wrong(who does!?) but I really don't like being wrong about people and their intentions toward me. But lately, I have been having a lot of hit and misses with people in my personal life, as far as gauging what the signals are that are being thrown at me. My personal "intention compass" is off and I find myself frustrated and upset with people and myself. Why am I upset with myself? For caring. For being hurt. For Loving and being disappointed. Sometimes as humans, we forget that we are just that, Human. Not an unfeeling robot, but human. So once I allow myself to hurt and acknowledge the fact that I am not Super Woman, I will let this go. That's the hardest part isn't it? The letting go. Well we all know the saying: "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.. by the way, I dislike that saying! :)
Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

HEY! Fat Girl!

Being a fat kid is hard. Being a fat girl in this society, is even harder. I was the fat girl and I remember, no matter how hard I try to forget, all the slights and name calling that was thrown my way. Not by strangers, but family. Now I have written about this before, but a conversation I had last week with a young lady prompted me to remember and I got PISSED! Who do these people think they are? You would think that being family that they would not say hurtful things to you, that they would look after your emotional and physical well-being. Not always the case I see. Everyone talks about bullying in the schools, they have whole commercials and talk shows dedicated to the subject. They talk about how being different is okay; different ethnically, sexually, etc. and that is wonderful. But I swear I have never seen or heard anyone talk about being the fat girl in school or being totally, emotionally whipped by family. Now, I am not saying that they don't have something out there that addresses this, I have just never seen it.  Then I wonder about the parents that allow siblings to pick on and humiliate other siblings, why don't they stop it? Some excuse it as sibling rivalry, really?! How is being called a fat bitch by your own brother sibling rivalry? Tubby, whale, elephant, tub-a-lard, I could go on, I have a slew of them. As I was talking to this girl and seeing her hurt, and hearing her hurt, my heart went out to her. No one can hurt you like family and we can't control who we are related to. But she understood that this IS a form of bullying and it isn't normal nor should you get used to such bad behavior. Our job as parents and family members is to teach all of our children that they are special. That's it. It shouldn't be a hard job! Not to allow one child to belittle another. That's it. Is this so hard? When we don't help our children love themselves that is a recipe for disaster. Have we all not watched enough Oprah and Dr. Phil shows to know what happens to kids with low self-esteem? We have to do better parents! Pay attention to what is going on in your homes. Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

Forgiven and Forgotten

Besides me trying to be the most positive person EVER! I have really been working on forgiveness. Oh Yes, the F-word.  Holy Crap! it's hard.  I read a book that requests that you list all of the people that have crossed you, every last one, then write how they have wronged you. You will be amazed at how long this list can get. Then, when you have done all of this, here is the kicker: YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM! Incredibly difficult and mind blowing. Why? Because as you are writing all of this stuff down, you start to notice a pattern in your behavior and in your interactions with other people. If you are willing to recognize it for what it is, great change can happen for you! There can be no excuses, because the Truth will be staring you right in the face, all in black and white. The questions I started asking myself, once I noticed my patterns were: 1. Why did I attract these particular people into my life( Family we can do absolutely nothing about.. sorry!)?  2. Why did I allow myself to be treated in such a way( and it IS an allowing) 3. What did I get out of it? If anything.  4. What did I learn? If anything. 
Sometimes I don't know if the lesson learned is meant to be big or small, but usually it is painful(let's not lie) and so we, I, better learn it and not repeat! Well, I have repeated a few mistakes, I ain't perfect people! And the sick thing is; I KNEW they were mistakes. Oh well, I had to be totally sure. Guess what? that's okay, our world won't end, but our perspective will change. Hopefully to gain better judgement and clearer vision.  Forgiveness gives us all of that believe it or not.  When we don't forgive we are in a constant state of "pissed off" syndrome.  Sometimes we don't even know it or show it, but we are seething inside. Resentments, grudges, small and big hurts, anger, all of them sitting there ready to send us straight to the E.R. Forgive and let go. I don't mean forgive and then have picnics with everyone on your list, forgiveness is for you. Do you know how many people I have forgiven and don't see? Of course you don't know! just know it's a lot. But I don't harbor any ill will toward them. I wish them well and I also wish not to ever need to be in their presence again. That is the letting go part. I guess my point is; even in these tumultuous times we can have happiness. Isn't that a better choice? Why hold on to memories, situations or even people that keep you from this happiness and peace? Forgive and let go so you can reach the next level called: "I'm done and moving on." But that is in my next blog:)
Wishing you love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Parenting sucks OR Watch what you say!

Being a parent is hard, with or without support, it's hard.  Understatement of the year right? Even when you believe you have done a fantastic job or at least fifty times better than your parent(s), you messed up somewhere. I was going through what I thought was my daughters recipe book (Really! I did!)it was something she wrote some years ago regarding a conversation I had with her when she was seven.  I was appalled.  Not that it was cruel or spiteful, but the wording that I used was too soon and too grown for a seven year old.  Words that could easily be taken out of context and to the ears and mind of a seven year old, just harsh. Words meant to bolster self-esteem and "awareness" undermined her self-confidence and made her question her ideas about herself.  As I read, I became so ashamed and I just wanted to rip the page out of the book! Maybe if it wasn't in the book, she wouldn't remember? Not that easy huh? That was my pride and ego talking and I left the page intact. What's funny is that I remember those same words being said to me by my mother. Does the cycle ever end? At some point, if you love your children, you will break it. With time we mature and so do our parenting skills(hopefully) I was a different person back then. Self-awareness was an unknown place for me. This Dawn would have chosen better words; clear and thought out. I can't take back the words nor can I magically erase bad memories of me from my children's minds. But everyday I work hard to be a better Human and a better parent. I have, as we all do, that power.  

So let me tell you...

I was told recently that I don't know how it feels to be overweight, that I am not compassionate enough. I stopped what I was doing and just stared at this person, I am sure they thought I had lost my mind. For a moment I might have, seeing that I couldn't get the words together, or decent words together to express what I wanted to say without swearing! So I had to break things down and let this person know a little bit about me. I was the fat kid growing up. I was the fat woman and good thing I was married to a man that loved me and big women, cause I was also the fat wife. Like most overweight kids, I was teased and tormented, mostly by family. I played at losing weight and did the yo-yo thing for some years. I topped off at 225 lbs. and didn't see it at all. I mean that, I gained and didn't see it. It was as if I had woken up and there it was and for the first time my eyes opened and BOOM! there it is. I hear a lot of people say that; that one day they just woke up...and took notice.  Scary isn't it? How we just live our lives unaware of our OWN bodies. In regards to me not being compassionate: Compassion is shown by telling the Truth.  Lies kill. I believe that with all of my heart and soul. I lied to myself for years about a lot of things and as I refused to see the truth, I kept gaining weight. If I would have kept going in that vein I would still be huge and in a perpetual state of head in the sand. Suffocating and done. I showed myself compassion and respect by telling myself, finally, the truth. And when Truth showed up, weight went away. By me being honest with myself, I can be honest with others. One of the things I stopped doing was allowing myself excuses as to why I couldn't get the weight to stay off. I don't abide excuses from Clients, because I don't allow any from myself. I can give you a list of excuses I have heard from my feet hurt to I am an "emotional /Stress eater, my back hurts(yes! so did mine. Because I was FAT!) I could go on, but why? We all need to get to the point where we own our crap. Do you understand what I am saying here? Own how we will try and sometimes do sabotage ourselves. Own it, recognize it for what it is, a load of crap, and move on! My truth is mine and yours is yours, but it is still the truth. So let me tell you, it isn't easy being totally honest with myself. There are days where I kind of miss the sand, and then I remember that prison of fat and I face forward and fly right and true. And the moral of this blog: That Truth really does set you free. Wishing you peace and love, but mostly Peace. 

Play on Playa!

This is a true story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent... and the not so innocent.  On Mothers Day I received a text from someone I used to date. Not anything special, just a "Have a happy Mother's Day" and wishing me well.  I didn't think much of it, until I started getting responses from unidentified numbers.  I just assumed that these women were relatives of his. No problem. Two days later, I receive a text from an unidentified number, again! Asking the question " Are you at work?" by the "tone" I knew this was an intimate question and I most certainly knew it wasn't meant for me. The response, when it came, was "Yeah, what's going on?" Sounds innocent enough, right? Well obviously by all of the irate responses to this most innocent text, a lot of the ladies on that thread from Mothers Day didn't think so! Mr. "think things through" Mr. TTT for short, had created and sent a text thread to all of his past and present romantic dalliances. And there were a lot! Women, via text, were asking names, dates and pictures! The plot thickens; there was a sister and sister in-law who confronted each other, via text. There was anger and hurt from these women and from him....silence.  I read these texts and wrote nothing, my relationship with this person wasn't deep enough to be angry at him. But I finally wrote something to him when I realized how hurt some of these women were. I called him messy and did thank him for the giggle. That must have been all he could take because he decided to send the text that read something like this: "I think all of you are acting real (insert swear word) right now! I was only trying to be nice and send all of you a happy Mothers day wish. Now, could someone please help me figure out how to stop texting all of you!" Really? Did you just point the finger at the people you hurt? Typical player move. And at some level he is right. We ARE responsible for who we bring into our lives. Though I understood the women being upset, I couldn't believe that they ever took this man seriously! The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he liked to play and I was ready for the game, but that was it. He has "Player" tattooed on his arm for goodness sake! When people show you who they are, PAY ATTENTION! They aren't lying to you, you are lying to yourself.  I think this was a good thing that happened, a wake up call if you will. They needed to wake up and he needs to learn how to live up to that tattoo. Player my eye! Let me give you a few Player tips:  1. A real player wouldn't have created a thread in the first place. Technology can mess up a players game. 2. Never, and I mean NEVER have two of your fish in the same pond. In other words make sure your women/men live in different towns/cities.  3. If you are dealing with more then one person and you have a hard time remembering names. Use terms of endearment like honey, baby, etc. 4. Players own up to nothing...except to the one he/she wants to keep. They will play sorry for you, and will mean it at the moment. But a player is a player and must Play. Don't get it twisted and think you have changed them. Like I always say, I only talk about what I know, I have played and been played on and after a while the "game" gets old. As Ms. Angelou said "When you know better, you do better."  Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace

The Break

I found myself with nothing to say. Nothing to expound on or even a minor rant. What was the matter with me!? I usually have a few witty words, a comment, even a grunt; but nothing. I have been this way for two weeks, no words to write or an opinion to share. I found myself in "my head" a lot. Not so much ignoring everything around me, because I try not to do that, but just being silent with my words, being still. Growing up, I remember my Mama telling me "Silence is Golden" that was her southern way of telling me to shut-up. Now I get it! Silence IS golden, more for me than for anyone else. While I have been silent, taking a break from trying to be in the conversation, just letting them happen; I have found that it is a certain freedom. I am not responsible for keeping conversations going, I am not responsible for other peoples words and actions, freedom. To sit in silence with your own thoughts is actually a luxury. We are a society that is overstimulated with everything. Every moment seems to be in overdrive, this hyper kinetic activity that sometimes puts my nerves on edge. Silence! Peace, be still. These moments of silence helped me organize my thoughts. Not just organize, but recreate and buffer. What I mean by "buffering" my thoughts is that I shined up some of my thinking and cleaned out those thought processes that I felt weren't working for me anymore. They say you are what you eat, but you are also what you believe and what you tell yourself. So I sat still with my thoughts, I sat still with... Myself. Who knew it could be done?! I recommend that everyone do this. Take moments to be still, silent, taking a break from  IT all. This is why I wish you Love and Peace, but mostly Peace. You can't buy it or sell it, but you CAN create it. 

The Week in Review

It was one of those "mixed bag" weeks, too busy and yet, not busy enough.  A week where I felt I was on point in my career, but in my personal life.. things are lacking. The thing that stands out the most was the death of someone I have known since I was fifteen years old. She was a lovely woman who struggled with her weight ever since I have known her. She went from being big to huge to massive. Unable to walk, let alone stand, she was placed in a convalescence home. Her family couldn't take care of her anymore. She died of complications due to morbid obesity. Some ask: "How do you allow yourself to get this big?" My answer: Real easy! Just don't move! Eat all you want, whenever you want, don't deal with personal issues and don't move one muscle. There is your recipe for disaster. I can't imagine what type of mental anguish someone who has gotten this large is going through. The physical is easy to see, it's in your face, but how do you deal with the mental if no one says anything? What kind of help can you offer if you don't know? All we see is them getting larger and slowly killing themselves. I think you have to deal with them in the same way you deal with anyone else with an addiction; confront and intervene. Something has to be done with the obesity issue in this country. Research is showing that obesity is now or on the way, to beating Cancer as the number one cause of death. How did we get here? I do believe and have always asserted that this is more a mental issue that has turned into a physical issue. I am no doctor, but I have been over one hundred pounds overweight and understand the thought processes that can create this slow death cycle. It's going to take family and friends and a whole lot of saying ENOUGH! to stop loved ones from hurting themselves with food. It is a hard, long journey that can be won. 
Peace

Can we get Happy?

"We live in a cynical world"... that is really my favorite line from the movie "Jerry Maguire" because it is true.  As we go to our business day to day, do you feel that sometimes there is an overwhelming level of cynicism? Of making things that are good bad, and what is bad, good? One of my friends described it as "treading through filthy water" that is how she feels about all of the negativity that seems to be so pervasive in our society at large.  Finding and keeping a positive outlook can be hard and sometimes you want to join the masses of cynics; but don't. Remember, everyone is responding differently to their own life experiences, they have nothing to do with you. How you take on life, how you respond to situations and how you treat your body and your mind is up to you. Cynicism is a form of distrust, which means there is no faith and no peace, then unhappiness rules. How tiring! I was once a cynical person( or tried to be) it didn't work well for me. Even in my misery, I had faith or at least a form of it. I couldn't let go of hope for total despair. I had to believe everyday that there was a reason for me to be here, for me to get up in the morning. So the cynic club kicked me out... I survived the expulsion. Have you noticed that cynical people are usually very critical as well? Pick, pick, pick is the name of their game and they are good at it. Take the time to look beyond what you see and hear and notice the very insecure person running their mouth. I always say that happiness is a choice, most things are. Being around such people will kill your happiness buzz and there is nothing worse than a buzz kill. Happiness is a choice. I can't say it enough and I have said it a lot. I DO stay away from the negativity that some chose to projectile vomit. I DO work to stay happy, without denying when I am in a bad mood; they happen. But I don't go looking to be in a bad mood or have something bad to say. Here is one more thing: Cynicism is not cool. Those people that sit in dark restaurants with sunglasses on and talk but don't move their lips and seem to have a bad review for everything. Well, they might think that is cool behavior, but I beg to differ. It is boring and sad. Choose happiness. 

Just Breathe

As I have gotten older and lived around different types of people, all from various walks of life, I have learned to appreciate the differences and the idiosyncrasies. But, I also wonder and watch in amazement as people do and say the oddest and most vile things straight to your face and don't blink! Picture this: I am at work and one of my co-workers asks me when they are going to get the clear to say and call me the N-word. I am not joking. Now mind you, I would have been offended even if this person was Black, so to have a White person say this to me not only struck me as surreal, but I ended up laughing and said, in my "this person is "Special" voice" I wouldn't ever do that. My co-worker then said "Even if I don't put an er on it, just keep it nigguh, you know! with a uh?" This is when I said to myself "Dawn, just breathe" and I explained it this way: When you call someone a bitch, does the meaning change when you say it like BEEEEAAATTTCCH? No, you are STILL calling them a bitch. The same goes for the word nigger. No matter how you say it or spell it, a nigga, is a nigger, is a nigguh! If I pulled all of the racial epithets that I know( and I know a lot) and changed the spelling or the way I say it, do you think it would take the hurt and pain away from the word and the history behind them? All of the pain these words and their meaning have caused people?  I don't think so. Now I need you to know that I lectured for about five minutes and when I went to wrap it all up; I looked at this person, this child standing in front of me and forgave them their ignorance. Even in this global community, where common sense ain't so common, we still are... here. I asked this person why would you want to call anyone these words? They are beyond hurtful, why? There was no answer and I really didn't expect one. Everyday Humans never cease to amaze, befuddle, surprise me with our compassion and sicken me with our insensitivity. And yet, we all muddle through don't we? We just count to ten and breeeaaathe. 
Peace and Love, but mostly Peace.

Grace

Driving this early morning to get to work, I was not in the best of moods. I was running late and running on empty. Sleep is like a long lost friend lately and the cold is like a family member that came to visit and now won't go home. This was my morning start, scrambling for Time, we all know that never works. As I'm driving down the highway, I'm in my head and I turn to look left and there is a sight that takes my breath away. The Sun had decided to put on a show. Peeking through the gray clouds came the Suns rays, but instead of the rays being a white light, they were pinkish white. Turning the clouds around this beautiful beam of light pink and gray. There is no way for me to give you a perfect visual, moments like this should always come with a picture! It's like trying to describe the Grand Canyon, you have to see it to believe it or it just sounds like a big hole. These are the moments we will miss if we are constantly in our heads.  Moments of pure Grace and beauty.  When we should be saying Thank you, instead of "I have this to pay, this to do and everything feels like a burden." Those things are going to be there and they don't have to be a burden! I don't search for Grace; it usually comes to me when I am distressed, harassed or grouchy. It is a soft smack against my head to remind me to pay attention to what is around me: The good, be aware of the bad and the ugly, but focus on the good. The old adage, Count your Blessings, is appropriately used here and I hope you are counting.  Even when we feel low, count what is good in your Life. My personal belief is that we all have to be open to the idea of feeling good and then be willing to accept it when it comes to us. Be: Ready, willing and able to accept Grace in all its forms. 
Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

I don't get it!

I am sitting here in amazement. My mind is blown and I am a bit confused. As I was preparing to write a blog about something... I don't know, serious and maybe touching, I was distracted. Maybe you can help me; explain to me why there is a show on television called "Naked and Afraid?!" Why are they naked? And why the hell are they afraid?! It's like naked Survivor. These people are running around buck naked in a jungle, foraging for food, trying to start fires, no shoes on and walking on rocks.. Why? I don't even know if it is for money. And if it is, how much do they get to walk around in a jungle with no clothes on? Would I be willing to do this for a huge payoff? Seriously, ask yourself how much would they have to pay you to walk around naked, in a jungle, with big bugs(crawling only God knows where)and strange animals? Now when I describe it that way it is scary. What this show really makes me realize is how desperate we are for entertainment. A show with naked people walking around, having "private" moments with the camera is so extreme it is hilarious. I don't judge people for watching these "reality" shows, we all have our vices, but I just don't get it. Naked and Afraid? Really?

Doing the Deed

I love to see people doing kind things for other people. The opening of a door, picking up something that someone dropped, or paying for someone's coffee. All acts of kindness that back in the day would have been rote; not so much in today's market, huh?  Bad news and bad behavior seem to be king and the king is doing big business. We have two types of people here: The naughty that are never nice and on the other hand the self-aggrandizing, bloated ego and oh, please stroke it! Look at what I did club. The naughty but never nice people I can deal with. We all see them for who they are, because they don't try to be anything else. There is no pretense; they are jerks. It is the other group that bothers me. I started this blog by listing a few kind things that I have seen people do for others, now imagine the same people, after doing these kind acts, running to their computers to immediately post, tweet or blog about what they had done? I have seen this happen, on a bigger scale than buying someone a cup of coffee. What do you think they get out of doing that? The ego stroke? The need to have people tell them how sweet and kind they are? So that they can actually start believing it? For a lot of people asking for any type of help is humiliating. How much more awful for them to find out that the same person they asked, in private, posted what they had done. Even if they didn't post a name, that is humiliating. Remember: A good deed, told, can be someone's shame. I speak from experience, there have been people throughout my life that have helped me in ways I would have never believed; and nothing was said after. I knew what they had done, they knew what they had done and there was no ulterior motive. They didn't need a public declaration or a medal of Good Deed Doer given to them. There are those that would say who cares if they talk after doing something nice for someone, at least they did it. I would say a part of me agrees with you, whatever the issue was, it needed to be taken care of.  But, doesn't talking about what you did and the person's problem make it gossip? And isn't gossiping... mean? So doesn't that kind of negate the good that you just tried to do? See the big snowball here? I guess at the end of the day, I need to be able to look at myself. This is why I try to deal with everyone with as much sincerity as I can muster and I hope you do the same. 
Peace and Gratitude

The P word.

As I sit here typing, watching one of my cats watch my fingers hit the keys on the keyboard; he watches my fingers, then looks at me, then looks at the monitor, with this quizzical look on his face, and I have a sense of...Peace. It took me a long time to get to this place and I cherish these moments. Do you have those moments sometimes? Where you get this overwhelming sense of calm? No matter what is going on around you, there you are on your own island of peace, floating and happy. Nothing can shake that inner peace, most of us have gone through too much to reach it and we aren't giving it up easy.  It isn't that people or situations don't get to us sometimes, our responses are just different. Now some people would call this getting older and somewhat wiser. This could be true( I don't feel THAT old though!) or is it experiencing some not so savory things that forces you to want peace in your life?  There are those that see peace and run from it.  They are addicted to the drama, they sometimes call it passion or "fun." The constant upheaval, arguments and overall bad behavior that would cause any sane person an ulcer or at least hair loss, seems a good time for some. As I am sure to them my life might seem absolutely boring, we all learn differently and I learned that I love peace. Watching my cat, Lucien, watch me typing to you, at Peace. 
Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace.  

Tears

I was in a conversation with someone the other day, and she said something that took me aback. She was relaying a story to me, that was quite emotional, she started crying and apologized for her tears. I told her no need for apology, she then said that crying made her feel weak and like a "drama queen."  I paused before I responded and allowed her to get through her moment; but then I asked: "Would you rather walk around not feeling anything?" She said that feeling, allowing people to know they hurt you was a weakness, almost like a defect. Well! That explains me and my behavior; I am defective! I have always been accused of wearing my heart on my coat sleeve, too sensitive, too open...and I wouldn't have it any other way. You see, tears, in my opinion, are my emotional gauge.  I know when I cry, I still have healing to do and when I don't, I am good and over it.  I feel cleansed after a good cry, free, relaxed and Focused. This sense of being weak in front of people just because you show emotion, is disturbing to me.  Are we so disengaged from our own feelings that another person's tears make us uncomfortable? Tears of happiness or sadness will make us scurry to a corner and cover our heads? Are we all to walk around ever so stoically and take everything on the chin, good or bad, without a peep? What is this? Invasion of the Body Snatchers? I think not.  Emotions, like situations, that we don't deal with today, we WILL deal with tomorrow. I have learned the hard way; suppression is not the key. It is a wonderful thing to grow emotionally, and you know you have when you can control not only how you feel, but how you deal with your feelings and you will also not care what other people say regarding your emotions. They are yours to care for and never neglect. 

Loyalty

"It's better to speak your mind and tell the Truth, than to stay quiet and lie to yourself."
Anonymous 

Years ago, I remember feeling bound and stuck. Situations in my life were out of control. Relationships, mostly personal, falling apart and I felt there was no place to turn.... except to food. Once again over stuffing, overeating, overkill! Food, for some of us, becomes the great comforter and our best friend. I mean think about it: It doesn't talk back, it makes us feel good (in the moment) and under stress, we can rely on it for a little happiness. 
And at first this relationship goes pretty well, you keep lying to yourself and eating and one day you wake up and BOOM! You are a blimp. You kind of ignored it when you saw the first roll on your back; even convinced yourself it was because you had kids this was normal. Lie#1. You say to yourself: " I just take after my Dad, I am large boned." Lie #2.  "I deserve this, because I only had one meal today. Let me get a second plate!" Lie #3. When do the lies end? I can tell you from my own experience; they ended when I stopped lying to myself, about everything. I am about to get all mystical on you, but bear with me: Food for me was a mouth/word stopper. I used food, my friend, to stop the words that needed to come out of my mouth to fix the situations I had gotten myself in.  I was being passive-aggressive and I couldn't stand it or me. Instead of saying and doing what needed to be done for my OWN happiness, instead of being loyal to myself; I sold out. I was a bad friend to me, I wasn't loyal and in turn, none too happy. It was hard to face, and a lot of people weren't happy with The Change; but understand this: if you lie to yourself, you will attract people that also lie to themselves. So, when you start to change they might or will resent you. Hard fact and be ready for it. Once you start telling the truth to yourself and being loyal to you, watch your world change. I stopped abusing food, and it really did become a good friend to me. I started speaking the Truth hard or soft, in all things. What didn't need to be said, I didn't say, but when it was time to speak my mind, I didn't stop my mouth anymore. I didn't hide my feelings and attracted people that had the same mind set.  Life rolled on and I with it. Be loyal to you, have integrity to self. Yours in health. 

Competition

Why are people so afraid or resentful of competition?  Have you ever watched someone when they are around the person or people that they deem to be competition in whatever? Job, relationship, LIFE!? How every insecurity is on display for the world to see. This person, in front of you, might seem so secure with who they are. But as soon as the "enemy" comes into the room, they turn into an envious, backstabbing, "Why did they get this and I didn't" person. It doesn't have to be this way. I want to flip this and turn it into something positive: Competition is good. Competition only makes you better at Life. Why? You can learn from your competitors. If you take your ego out of it( and I know that can be hard) and really pay attention to why they are succeeding where you can't catch a break; you might just learn something. Let's turn this Spiritual: If you can be happy for someone else's good fortune, you won't block YOURS! Instead of asking "Why them?" say "Why NOT them?" and keep moving forward with your own aspirations. Because guess what? There is enough for everyone! Enough business, enough money, enough Love, enough for us all. In all things be sincere, even when you know you might be more talented, focus on you. 

What happened to the "Real" Vampires?

This is a blog about vampires. Yes, Vampires! I love a good vampire story and I haven't seen one in a long time. I am going to vent, so get ready. What happened to the old fashioned vampire story? Why aren't they scary anymore? Why are writers of these television shows making vampires so... well... lovey dovey? It is totally against the vampire rules! Vampires use sex appeal to hypnotize and enthrall, they don't take you out to dinner. You are supposed to be their "blood letting booty call" not their girlfriend! Vampires are supposed to be able to shape shift into wolves, bats, smoke or rats, not walk around with ripped jeans and fancy jackets saving the Eco system. Really!? This is what we have come to? Even our vampires are politically correct? Vampires are supposed to make us love our humanity because they are the "living" dead. They are supposed to envy us and in turn need and crave our Life blood, our being able to walk in the light, when did all of this get so screwed up? Vampires are supposed to hate garlic, holy water, mirrors, daylight, crosses and not be able to go on "holy ground." Well, I swear the other day watching this gawd awful movie about vampires, they were sitting in a church, while making garlic potatoes, sipping holy water! Okay, I exaggerate, but you get my point. I just want a good old fashioned vampire story, where they bite with relish, and are good at it. One that has the capacity to still make me jump and be afraid of the dark.  I guess I will go watch Francis Ford Coppola's: Bram Stokers "Dracula." Gary Oldman scares me oh so good in this one. :) 

FLEXIBILITY

"Blessed are the flexible, fore they will never be bent out of shape."

Have you ever met anyone that always seemed to be; Chill?
Relaxed?  Without an illegal/somewhat legal substance? I am always in awe of these people. No matter what the situation, they are calm. Years ago I had a co-worker like this, ever so peaceful, not overly happy, just... and the only word I have is: Mellow. I asked him more than once how he stays so calm? Why doesn't he get upset over the same nonsense we were all upset about? His response: "Why?" I asked "Why, what?!"  
He asked me again: "Why?" Why are you upset over these things that 1. Don't matter. 2. Can you change it? 3. Is it really anything to get upset over? Wow, first of all I didn't know he was that deep, I thought he was just high all the time! But those three questions made me stop and think about the inconsequential things that I and many people get so worked up about. Time wasted and blood pressure raised. Now mind you, I was younger then and in youth our blood runs a little hotter and so do our heads, so we can get a pass. But with age, wisdom is supposed to arrive, right? I still get worked up, I just pick my battles better.  Do you see the ones that are constantly "at war" with themselves and others?There is no flexibility, no change, no adaptability and no release.  It shows on their faces and wreaks havoc with their health.  The most important thing is to feel good. If what you are thinking, seeing, talking about doesn't make you feel good... Why?