When You Are Related To Crazy, The Finale: Things My Mama Said

 "I don't know Karate! But I KNOW Ka-Razor!"

Mr. James Brown

I love the song "The Big Payback" so much. It always fueled my mood for retribution. Oh! You thought I was some Saint? You thought I have never thought of the big payback? Crossing the ones that have crossed me? Making calls and sending emails and burning down certain people's lives? Sure I did. I'm Human, aren't I? I understand the rage and the need to tell your side of the story. I understand how it feels to have the ones that wounded you, twist the story, not take responsibility for the pain they caused, and worst of all, spread lies. You have every right to feel anger and frustration. You have every right to cry. These are all normal reactions and so is wanting revenge. Let me explain why I never did seek the big payback...That Lady, also known as my Mama. I heard her as clear as a bell say, "Never allow anyone to change who you are at your core." And like that, the wind was taken out of my revenge fantasies. Sometimes it's a very jagged and bitter pill to swallow when you realize that you're a pretty decent person. And when the revenge haze wears off, you realize that what you really want, is inner peace. Revenge erodes the heart, just like bitterness and anger. And every last one of those negative emotions and actions will steal all joy from your life. Remember? We are healing. What we put out into the world, you can bet money, we will get it back. This leads me to ...

"You don't have to lift a finger against em'. Life will teach them."

Mama

There are those who don't believe in Karma and that's okay because Karma believes in them. For the good, the bad, or ugly we receive our just desserts. Would you agree? I, too, have been on the receiving end of those tables turning and it wasn't fun! On the other hand, when I put good out there and focused on my healing, I was amazed at how light I felt. Light is the best word that I have for releasing the pain of abuse. You will feel light. You will be light! How? You unburdened yourself of guilt and shame that wasn't yours to carry. Life is a wonderful teacher, so don't lay a hand or word against them. Allow life to have that honor. Don't revel in anyone's pain, focus on your healing. Let your light shine through.

"Even though your wounds are not your fault, your healing is still your responsibility." 

I wrote this series to let you know you are not alone and that you are loved. At this moment you might feel as if you will never overcome the emotional pain that you are in. That doesn't have to be the case at all! Healing is there for you if you put in the work. You have the power to break this pattern and be happy. To wake up every day and find joy. It's worth it. YOU are worth it! The life that you want is there for you...think about that, the way you do those revenge fantasies! Lol 

Wishing you peace and love...but mostly, Peace. 

Forgiven and Forgotten

Besides me trying to be the most positive person EVER! I have really been working on forgiveness. Oh Yes, the F-word.  Holy Crap! it's hard.  I read a book that requests that you list all of the people that have crossed you, every last one, then write how they have wronged you. You will be amazed at how long this list can get. Then, when you have done all of this, here is the kicker: YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM! Incredibly difficult and mind blowing. Why? Because as you are writing all of this stuff down, you start to notice a pattern in your behavior and in your interactions with other people. If you are willing to recognize it for what it is, great change can happen for you! There can be no excuses, because the Truth will be staring you right in the face, all in black and white. The questions I started asking myself, once I noticed my patterns were: 1. Why did I attract these particular people into my life( Family we can do absolutely nothing about.. sorry!)?  2. Why did I allow myself to be treated in such a way( and it IS an allowing) 3. What did I get out of it? If anything.  4. What did I learn? If anything. 
Sometimes I don't know if the lesson learned is meant to be big or small, but usually it is painful(let's not lie) and so we, I, better learn it and not repeat! Well, I have repeated a few mistakes, I ain't perfect people! And the sick thing is; I KNEW they were mistakes. Oh well, I had to be totally sure. Guess what? that's okay, our world won't end, but our perspective will change. Hopefully to gain better judgement and clearer vision.  Forgiveness gives us all of that believe it or not.  When we don't forgive we are in a constant state of "pissed off" syndrome.  Sometimes we don't even know it or show it, but we are seething inside. Resentments, grudges, small and big hurts, anger, all of them sitting there ready to send us straight to the E.R. Forgive and let go. I don't mean forgive and then have picnics with everyone on your list, forgiveness is for you. Do you know how many people I have forgiven and don't see? Of course you don't know! just know it's a lot. But I don't harbor any ill will toward them. I wish them well and I also wish not to ever need to be in their presence again. That is the letting go part. I guess my point is; even in these tumultuous times we can have happiness. Isn't that a better choice? Why hold on to memories, situations or even people that keep you from this happiness and peace? Forgive and let go so you can reach the next level called: "I'm done and moving on." But that is in my next blog:)
Wishing you love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Get Up

Since I can remember, I have dealt with moments of the "Blues." Melancholy, sadness, whatever you want to call it; it was there, lurking. My Mama always said that I "think too much", as if in some way my melancholy was my fault. Impatiently she would say "Get Up!" or ask in a frustrated voice "What is the matter with you.. NOW!?" I never could answer because that would have opened up a can of worms. As a child, how do you say molestation? How do you broach that subject when you are scared and humiliated? It took me years to see the correlation between my weight gain, depression and my self-imposed solitary confinement and connect the dots straight to, as I like to refer to them "The Bitter Years." I have said this before and I will reiterate: What you don't deal with in your twenties, will bite you in your thirties and dang near kill you in your forties." Once I recognized and allowed myself to forgive myself for whatever I thought I should have done or said; I could ACT on my behalf. I could get up and get help. No shame, no regrets, no guilt and no more secrets. I look back and sometimes feel ashamed that I took so long to get to it, that I abused food as if shoveling food into my mouth would quell the secrets that wanted to come forth. Shame doesn't live here anymore. I am no one's victim, nor am I a martyr. I'm just a women that learned that it is okay to tell your story and then walk away from it, to lean on others for help does NOT make you weak,and happiness IS a choice. We can't control what happens to us as children, I wish that we could. But we do control how we deal with our past and not let it deal with us,good,bad or ugly. I wish you Truth. But most of all, I wish you Peace. 

Lies and forgiveness

"Wherever you go you will find people lying to you, and as your awareness grows, you will notice that you also lie to yourself. Do not expect people to tell you the truth because they also lie to themselves.  You have to trust yourself  and choose to believe or not to believe what someone says to you" Don Miguel Ruiz

I will not lie to you; this has been a tough two months. I won't list all that happened, but I will tell the one thing that got the crap ball rollin" my vacation money was taken and you know who I have to blame? ME! Know this: When loaning money, once out of your hands, it isn't YOUR money anymore. It might not be a loan, it might be a "gift", a donation to someone else's vacation. They will probably lie to you, deny ever knowing they had to pay it back, they might even pretend they don't know you! Most times though, it  isn't about the money, it's the mendacity, the fabrications, the tall tales, the river of crap where I have to wear high boots! Did I make myself clear? The hardest thing I have had learn is taking responsibility for how I let others behavior effect my life. It would be easy to point the finger and say how wrong everyone else is; but I put myself in situations that could have been avoided and then things would have worked in my favor.  I am not excusing, I AM taking responsibility for my part. When I thought about it, it is the same philosophy I used when I lost the weight. Take responsibility for what you eat or don't eat. Stop saying how you are too tired to exercise because of : the kids, dog, cat, too overworked, pms, etc. Own it.  I have always said to my kids: Lie to everyone else, if you must. But never lie to yourself, when you start, it never stops. Once I got over my anger at me, and threw my temper tantrums, there are three levels of temper tantrums by the way.  Did you know that? 1. In the car, with tears streaming down the face, screaming and gripping the steering wheel 2. Lying in the bed, kicking blankets while pillow is over your face, screaming. 3. In the shower, face against wall, pounding wall with fists, trying not to slip in shower. I am working on forgiveness and succeeding( I only had one relapse today!:) Exercise really does help and here is my "Forgiveness Workout" enjoy and DO! :  Warm-up of choice- 5 min.
                                              Stretch ( 2 min)
                                              Jump rope or run stairs ( 1 min)
                                              Push up(s) - basic or military 1x12
                                              Jump rope - 30 sec.
                                               crunches - 1 min
                                              Push up(s) - 1x8
                                              crunches - 2 min or best
                                              Push - up(s) 1x 16
               Plank (what's your goal? That is what you try and reach!) 
                                              Jump rope - 1 min. or best
                                run stairs or run in place ( 1 min or best) 
                                              crunches - 30 sec
              Plank - last one! Hold for 1 min. or your personal best :)    

                                                STRETCH 


                      That's it, quick and easy...  I feel better:) 
                                             
                                               

It's okay

I woke up feeling heavy, not physically; mentally. November 11TH, my beloved, deceased mothers birthday. Do you know that feeling when you are about to go to the "Bad place" and you keep fighting it, doing everything you can not to feel, to keep it moving, to be happy. So, on this day I decided to embrace my sadness, no more talking myself out of it. I could have crying jags if I want( even in front of people!), I would allow "Fit throwing", toss a few pillows, lay out on the floor and kick and scream, etc., watch bad television while lying in bed drinking copious amounts of wine and mumbling ABOUT how bad t.v is, but the most important part to my plan: I was going to allow myself to grieve. I didn't run from my pain( I also didn't throw a fit), sometimes people will make you feel as if you must rush through a painful situation, so the healing process can begin. Not realizing that the pain IS part of the healing process, so own it, just don't wallow in it. I lived and coped with my day the way my mother would have: I didn't stay in the bed, I did go to work and allowed myself to be open to my clients, I didn't just go through the motions. They, in turn, brought me happiness. I did light a candle, do my Yoga, and am now writing to you. Being sad doesn't mean we don't appreciate life, it doesn't mean you aren't grateful, but you do need a second, a moment to regroup and refresh.  Be happy or sad, embrace both.