But Did You Die? A Love Story

"But Did You Die?"

I bought a t-shirt with this slogan on it. It's a Personal Trainer type question. One that we will ask a Client that is griping and groaning about the hard workout that we just gave them. With sarcasm and a little bit of derision, we will ask "But did you die?." No? Then keep moving!" I really started to think about this saying. I mean I had to sit and really think(I used all of my brain cells!)about it...this applies to so many things in life. This question is deeper than I thought. Take a moment with me. Take a moment to think about all of the times in your life when you thought the pain of whatever you were going through was going to actually kill you. It isn't dramatic at all. Heartache, depression, desperation, loneliness, deep disappointment, physical pain, all of these things can have any one of us feeling as if we would want to die. It isn't a comfortable conversation, but it's real. But we didn't. We didn't die. We are here to tell the tale. So, let's tell it. 

"Life is a gift. Wake up every day and realize that."

There are levels of heartache, I realized this young. There is the heartache of young love. When you believe there is no other love like yours. Your love could start fires that could never be put out. Just because you are young, doesn't mean that your love isn't real, but it is usually fleeting. Then there is the pain of betrayal, familial or romantic and the pain cuts right through you. You don't want the Sun to shine or flowers to grow. Stop the World! The pain of divorce I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I mean that. There is the pain of realizing that you aren't the person you thought you were and they sure ain't the person you thought they were! STOP THE WORLD! Then the heartbreaking pain of loss from the great equalizer: Death. Death doesn't give a WHAT! Death doesn't care how much money you have, what ethnicity you are, if you have a good job, blah, blah, blah. When my mother was dying, I told myself that if she were to die, so would I. Now mind you, I was newly married with our first child on the way. I had a lot to live for. If my Mama would have known what I was thinking, she would have disowned me. Her very words, always, were "You get one life, go live!." Even in pain, life is a gift. Do you feel it? Do you see your gift? 

"You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life you are excited about. Don't let others make you forget that."

You can't change how people feel about you. You can't change how people behave. But you can change how you react. You can change how you view your life. When I tell you I fell in love with myself, I am not yanking your chain. It is a true statement. And through my love, I found my self-worth. And through my self-worth, I found my desire to be happy. I realized that I actually deserve happiness. I didn't die from all of the pain. I needed to live to tell you the tale of the "Getting Over: The story of Hope and Joy." I just made that up by the way. You can use it if you like. :) It's a story that is still going on! YOU deserve happiness. You deserve to be excited every day about what's coming next. Heartbreak will happen in all its forms, that's life at work. As Rocky Balboa said(I love Rocky!) "Nothin' hits harder than life." And we shall take that hit and get up saying, I absolutely love life! I absolutely love me! And I didn't die! :) Wishing you love and peace! But mostly, Peace. 

The Holidays Can be Hard, but then again, so can Life. Suck It Up.

I used to call this time of the year "The Death March." Sounds dramatic(and it was)but I had good reason; this is the time when my Mama was getting worse. The cancer had done its worst and she couldn't hold on. She died on New Year's Eve. Until I was in my mid 40's I dreaded this time of year. I could feel my mood change around November 11. Why? Because that was her Birthday! I know, Right!? Can I get a friggin' break? NO! I can't because that is not how it works. This is something my Mother would have said to me and I would have been peeved. She would look at me and ask "So, this is what breaks you?"...

"If this is what breaks you..."

Let me finish that quote for you: "If this is what breaks you, what are you going to do when something bigger happens? Life can get real hard." 
My Mama

I now know this to be true. I also know that a lot of things my Mother said sounded harsh to some, but she spoke the truth. At some point, we have lost the ability to speak the truth. To say the hard things when they need to be said. My mother was Queen of not sugar coating anything! HA! I wanted some sugar some times. Could you NOT be so blunt? When I started speaking the hard truth to myself, I realized that my mother wouldn't want me to remember her with sadness. That went against everything she was. She was a woman who went through very hard things and died too young. But, she lived! She would say to me "Don't use me as an excuse to lie in the bed and cry! You really need to get past this!" and she would have said just that. Because there is no getting "over" the death of a loved one, but there is getting past it; so we can live. 

"Sorry to tell you, you ain't the first, nor will you be the last..."
My Mere(French for Mama:)

Everyone has a story. Everyone has lost someone. I am going to say something that has been said since the era of Self - Discovery/Awareness began: When someone we love dies, let's remember their lives, instead of their death. Yup! I used to roll my eyes at that too! Lol. But what can I say? It's true. When I first heard those words I wasn't ready to receive that message. As I have gotten older, I realized that my mama was saying the same thing; just differently. "You need to get past this." You have to live...

Once upon a time, there was a woman with five children. Five children that loved and depended on her with every fiber of their beings. This woman was love, light, and laughter. She might not have been a big deal to the world, but she was the world and a big deal to her children. Then one day, her deadly foe came back! After lying in wait for ten years, it saw a chink in her armor. It nestled in and bloomed, dimming the Ladies light, but not taking her will to live. One day, as her children hovered around her hospital bed, fore they couldn't seem to move their feet far from her, their bodies were slowly turning to stone and their hearts were hollowing, the Lady asked for her purse(sidenote: A Black Mother can never get her own purse! Ill or well, she would have told someone to get the purse that is clearly sitting next to her feet! now, back to my story)She reaches in and pulls out her magical card, aka a Mastercard and says: "Take my card and get out of this room! Go get good food." NO! The children said. "We will eat here, in your room." The Lady kicked her children out and they ate at her favorite Mexican restaurant on her dime. And the children laughed and cried and lived...The Lady had made her point. 

Remember with laughter. Feel what you need to feel. Kick and scream in your car or in your bed(my personal fave)then live. Wishing you all love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Dawn Ellen
Daughter of The Lady

The Rebuilding

"Only in the shattering can the rebuilding occur."
Barbara Marciniak

Sometimes the word rebuilding sounds exciting. We visualize a fresh start somewhere, new people, new places. We tend to forget that rebuilding usually happens after the building has been burnt down. After the losses are so heavy and devastating that you do feel torn apart; shattered. The last thing anyone is thinking about when going through life altering events is "How am I going to rebuild my life after(insert terrible event)…?" Most of us are just trying to survive the day to day. But I need you to see this another way. I know it's hard. But I want you to try and see past (insert terrible event)to the rebuilding. I want, need, you to see Hope. I gave the word Hope a capital H because it's such a big deal. Hope is the hand that reaches for you in the dark place. Hope is what kept me going when I couldn't dress myself, when I couldn't walk, when the pain became so bad that I felt I couldn't breathe, Hope was there. Hope was there even when I didn't want it to be! There were days that I wanted to give up and other days when I actually did. I would allow myself to roll in despondency. I wouldn't allow myself to think about rebuilding, the fear was too great. Who am I? I would ask, If I am not this? How do we rebuild after the aftermath? 

"Start today by creating a version for yourself, your life, and career. Bounce back from adversity and create what you want, rebuild and rebrand. Tell yourself it's possible along the way, have patience, and maintain peace with yourself during the process."
Germany Kent

"Have patience and maintain peace with yourself" please read that again and say it aloud. It was funny, not in a haha way, but in a sad way, how I could always have patience for others and make peace with others, but never have any for myself. So I had to go back to Hope and through Hope I found patience and through patience I found peace(I think Peace should be capitalized. It's a big deal:) 
We must allow ourselves to be...shattered. We won't die, though sometimes it might feel like it or you might want to in that moment. We aren't weak. We just need time to feel what we need to feel. Give yourself permission to be hurt, in pain, tired, sad. Be patient with yourself while healing. The same words and actions you would use with someone you love if they were having a difficult time...use on yourself! Now make Peace with your situation. Hard, huh? I know. But where there is no inner peace, there can be no rebuilding. Your "foundation" will be cracked. Love who you are now. Your rebranding or rebuilding will be on a solid foundation of Hope, Peace, patience and self-love. That is a strong building! Wishing you Peace and love, but mostly Peace.

You Know You Have Messed Up When.....

Life is funny, and I am not being sarcastic here either. Like I was saying; Life is funny, just when you think you are in love, and you probably are by the way, The one that your love was intended for turns out to be the brother from another mother of the last rectum that you dated. Funny, huh? It wasn't anything big or dramatic that cued me, it was a series of things and my reaction to those things; DANG SELF-AWARENESS! But once you know who you are, there is no turning back, all bets and lies to yourself are off.  Now the mess happens when you start telling yourself that you can ignore things, make excuses for yourself and the person you are involved with. I don't expect perfection, no one does( at least the people that I know) because I'm not perfect( I know, I know, this is all new to you!) but I do have standards. Even in a world that tells you that standards are not realistic(really?) That hoe-ing (new word for you) it up is okay and trying to save yourself for someone that just might love you is dumb.  That choosing to want someone in your life that has a modicum of respect for you and his/herself is too much to ask. You know what I say to that? You live your life expecting nothing, and nothing is what you will receive. You know where I learned that? From my ex-husband, go figure! But is it the Truth? Yes! Expect nothing, get nothing. I am going to say something totally radical here, ready? Have expectations and standards! WHEW! It is okay and don't allow others to tell you any different. You know why it is okay? Because you hold yourself to a certain standard, you have expectations of yourself and this is not a bad thing. Messing up every once in awhile is okay, I try not to make it a pattern and it keeps me honest. I took a love hit for the team(you being the Team) my skin might be a little tender right now, but I am standing a lot taller. I know my worth and I hope you know yours. Wishing you peace and love... but mostly Peace. 

Love, Oh Love!

There isn't anything, well besides the flu, that makes you feel as sick as love. Nausea, bouts of dizziness, a racing heart rate, how we vacillate between happiness and despair, it is disgusting! I realized that I was Falling some months back, it wouldn't go away, believe me, I tried to deny it. You see; I don't make time for the Man/Woman relationship thing. I work, I write, sometimes at the same time. I am not one of those hard career women that are bent on never being in a relationship mind you. But been there and done it and have the scars to prove it, so I wasn't looking, and WHOOP! there it is. It has been so long since I have felt these "butterflies" that I actually thought I was getting sick, seriously! I was asking myself "What the HECK is wrong with you?!' Then it hit me, and I felt giddy with happiness. Only love can give you that feeling. How could I have missed the signs? When he walks into the room, how I only want to talk and be near him? I actually listen and hear him when he talks. His opinion matters to me! WHAT!? I feel like a Woman around him and I act like one, YUCK! I am no wilting flower nor a DID ( damsel in distress) but I feel really girly  and sexy around him and I love it. Love does this, you don't even know there is a void until you start to feel it and it is a feeling that we should never be without.  It is okay to want and to feel love, we will deny it out of fear of being hurt instead of just allowing it to Be. It doesn't make us weak, love really only strengthens us. If you have been through relationships that didn't work, and I have, regret nothing! These are the experiences that will teach us, if we are ready to learn, how to be comfortable with who we are and attract the "perfect" person for us. We aren't perfect, but Love is and when the right person finds you; your love will be perfect for each other. Love heals. Love binds wounds. Love is hope. Love is pleasure. Love is happiness and laughter. This love I feel will be our secret, but I feel such gratitude to know I can still feel this way and that I am open to feeling this way. Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly.. LOVE! :) 

Hey! I'm Human.

I have come to realize, maybe late, that it is okay to have hurt feelings. It is also okay to feel disappointment. Neither one will kill you, they just hurt, sometimes badly.  I won't lie to you; I don't like being wrong(who does!?) but I really don't like being wrong about people and their intentions toward me. But lately, I have been having a lot of hit and misses with people in my personal life, as far as gauging what the signals are that are being thrown at me. My personal "intention compass" is off and I find myself frustrated and upset with people and myself. Why am I upset with myself? For caring. For being hurt. For Loving and being disappointed. Sometimes as humans, we forget that we are just that, Human. Not an unfeeling robot, but human. So once I allow myself to hurt and acknowledge the fact that I am not Super Woman, I will let this go. That's the hardest part isn't it? The letting go. Well we all know the saying: "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.. by the way, I dislike that saying! :)
Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

Play on Playa!

This is a true story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent... and the not so innocent.  On Mothers Day I received a text from someone I used to date. Not anything special, just a "Have a happy Mother's Day" and wishing me well.  I didn't think much of it, until I started getting responses from unidentified numbers.  I just assumed that these women were relatives of his. No problem. Two days later, I receive a text from an unidentified number, again! Asking the question " Are you at work?" by the "tone" I knew this was an intimate question and I most certainly knew it wasn't meant for me. The response, when it came, was "Yeah, what's going on?" Sounds innocent enough, right? Well obviously by all of the irate responses to this most innocent text, a lot of the ladies on that thread from Mothers Day didn't think so! Mr. "think things through" Mr. TTT for short, had created and sent a text thread to all of his past and present romantic dalliances. And there were a lot! Women, via text, were asking names, dates and pictures! The plot thickens; there was a sister and sister in-law who confronted each other, via text. There was anger and hurt from these women and from him....silence.  I read these texts and wrote nothing, my relationship with this person wasn't deep enough to be angry at him. But I finally wrote something to him when I realized how hurt some of these women were. I called him messy and did thank him for the giggle. That must have been all he could take because he decided to send the text that read something like this: "I think all of you are acting real (insert swear word) right now! I was only trying to be nice and send all of you a happy Mothers day wish. Now, could someone please help me figure out how to stop texting all of you!" Really? Did you just point the finger at the people you hurt? Typical player move. And at some level he is right. We ARE responsible for who we bring into our lives. Though I understood the women being upset, I couldn't believe that they ever took this man seriously! The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he liked to play and I was ready for the game, but that was it. He has "Player" tattooed on his arm for goodness sake! When people show you who they are, PAY ATTENTION! They aren't lying to you, you are lying to yourself.  I think this was a good thing that happened, a wake up call if you will. They needed to wake up and he needs to learn how to live up to that tattoo. Player my eye! Let me give you a few Player tips:  1. A real player wouldn't have created a thread in the first place. Technology can mess up a players game. 2. Never, and I mean NEVER have two of your fish in the same pond. In other words make sure your women/men live in different towns/cities.  3. If you are dealing with more then one person and you have a hard time remembering names. Use terms of endearment like honey, baby, etc. 4. Players own up to nothing...except to the one he/she wants to keep. They will play sorry for you, and will mean it at the moment. But a player is a player and must Play. Don't get it twisted and think you have changed them. Like I always say, I only talk about what I know, I have played and been played on and after a while the "game" gets old. As Ms. Angelou said "When you know better, you do better."  Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace

Choices

I choose to be happy. 
This is something I say to myself everyday.
It has become the mantra of my Life, almost my Lifeline.
A call to the positive energy that I know for sure is out there, floating... somewhere.
It is also my wall, my defense against negative people and situations that I feel might encroach on my happiness. Now, some people say this is a way to bury your head in the sand; I disagree. 
I DO know what is going on around me, I DO know what the worlds problems are, people that bury their heads in the sand have checked out. I am most definitely "plugged in" but with a different goal and a different perspective. Instead of harping on all that is wrong, I make it my goal everyday to talk about what is RIGHT with the world. Who and where is someone, anyone, doing something worthy and altruistic. I haven't lost all faith in Mankind, so I choose to see the happy, the helpful, the loving, the honest, the hard-working, the smiles, the hugs and the hand holding. I believe negativity gets enough publicity without me talking and typing more. Don't you agree? I choose to be Happy, and it IS a choice. 

Friendship and Maturation

" I've seen fire and I've seen rain, I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought I would see you again"

James Taylor

When we are young we believe that all friendships will last forever. I think that when we have friends as children it really is unconditional love, they can do no wrong,you do everything together, you love everything about them and that love is reciprocated in full. So what happens? We get to middle school and the love just isn't there anymore. We won't even discuss High School! That is an Oprah Show with shots of tequila. I have gone through my memories and realized that I have met really amazing people, men and women; but they weren't ALL meant to be my friends.  I think for some of us that is a hard thing to acknowledge, why? Because as we get older we want to hold good people close. We want a circle of friends, and why not? As humans we tend to "filter" the people in our lives, not at any fault of our own; that is just life sometimes.  I had a hairdresser that told me every six months the people in your life will change, not your children or (hopefully) not your significant other, but what she called the "Fringe people." I had never heard of these people, The Fringe People( sounds like a b-movie) I did take note though, and she was right, my core group was the same, but everyone else had been filtered.  Is that what it is about then? We meet people and for the moment, be it six hours or six years, we glean what we can out of the relationship, loving each other unconditionally the way children do. Holding the ones close that hold YOU close, letting the ones go that won't even write on your Face Book Wall to say Hey! :) and being okay with both. "I've seen lonely times when I could not find a Friend" and not saying those times were easy. But in those times, you find that you are okay with being by yourself; there is a reservoir of peace and strength.  Now that I am all grown up and liking this person I am turning into, at forty(cough)something I realized, finally, that who I am; is who I attract. Be the friend to Yourself that you always wanted and attract that friend, mate, Life. At the end of the day, when others have turned away, there are no family members, no lovers, doors have been closed in dismissal and eyes and mouth turned down. You will pull from your core, you will straighten your spine and be That best friend.