Let The Hoe Be Your Friend...Garden!

"In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."

M. Atwood

Can you believe I used to be "That Girl?" The Girl that did not, no matter what, go outside. I had a dislike for most activities done outside, except playing Baseball with my cousins. I remember my mother going through her earthy, crunchy faze when we lived in Oregon and I was forced( yeah, I use dramatic language like that!:)to camp, fish and actually eat food outside! I shudder to remember it. For years, for me, outside equaled bugs and dirt. I never understood the whole walking barefoot thing! Not even in your own backyard. And what is that in your hand? A Spade? What does it do? When I had children, I would take them to the park, beach, walking and then rush home to wash that dirty outside off of them😀! Just a little germaphobia going on. Don't be afraid. What changed my twisted attitude? Life. 

"Never underestimate the healing power of a quiet moment in the garden."

I was sick. So sick my Body was stripped of its strength and vitality. So sick that I couldn't move, physically or mentally. I was scared and sad and all those other adjectives that mean sick/sad/scared(those are a lot of S's!)and I was succumbing to that deep abyss of depression and anger. For a long time I couldn't make it down the stairs to get outside. But when I could, my Eldest daughter, gently, suggested I go outside to get some Vitamin D. "Sit, Mama" She said. "The Sun will help you feel better." And it did. Then I looked at my front yard and I got this crazy idea to have a big Wildflower patch. See, I had tried this before, but like I explained to you in the beginning, Dawn don't do outside. My idea of "gardening" was boxes of Wildflower mixes that you buy from Family Dollar, a glass of champagne in one hand, and toss the seeds all over, give em' a Texas burial, done. I was serious this time. I had a goal. I had a purpose. 

"If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need."

I can't agree with this more. 

I used to listen to people talk about gardening and the look on their faces was always of peace. I understood the feeling, but I had never found it outside. My places of peace was always the gym or the library. Now I get it. I step outside and whatever angst I was feeling, gone. I used a hoe for the first time in my life this Summer! One of my Clients(a FABULOUS Gardener herself!)taught me. My Ex-husband looked at me with hoe in hand, floppy sun hat on, and said "It's official, YOU are old!" I had just enough time to tell him to shut-up before I got back to weeding. Peace reigns supreme when surrounded by nature. Me and the bugs understand each other. They stay off of me, thanks to Bounce sheets and OFF and I stay respectful and don't kill them in their home. Pruning(yeah, I say words like that now:), I disturbed a deep green spider. It took my breath away. Gardening requires patience, not one of my strong points, but I have gotten so much better. There is healing in patience and kindness. There is healing in just sitting outside with your own thoughts, allowing the beauty of nature to wash over you. There is healing. Wishing you all love and peace...but mostly, Peace. 

Life Can Be Beautiful...Yeah! I just said that!

         
                "I do not believe... I know."
            Carl Jung 

"The more often we see the things around us - even the beautiful and wonderful things - the more they become invisible to us. That is why we often take for granted the beauty of this world: the flowers, the trees, the birds, the clouds - even those we love. Because we see things so often, we see them less and less." 
Joseph B. Wirthlin

Life is beautiful. I believe this and I know it to be Truth. Even with wars and rumors of war. Even with bad news every day in the news(if you choose to watch and listen to that tripe!) and negative people constantly wanting to share their negativity...Life is still beautiful. To focus only on the bad is to negate the good. Let me give you a list of things to be grateful for, just in case you feel you have nothing. 1. A car -Hooptie or new, you are ridin'! 2. A bed that just has you in it -You can sleep spread eagle if you like! No complaints. 3. A bed that has someone in it...with you! - a warm body to spoon and snatch blankets off(if that's how you get down) 4.A Refrigerator, WITH food! There is nothing like food. It was created for us to enjoy with friends and family with laughter and good drink. Chew slowly and enjoy! 5. Baskets - Yes! baskets. Just think without baskets we would have to carry all of that crap in our arms. Do you realize how many accidents we would have? How much time would be wasted walking back and forth getting stuff? See? When you start thinking of all of the small things to be grateful for, they aren't so small. 6. Dry towels- I forgot to get one before I stepped into the shower the other day and realized that me and air-drying aren't friends! Cold air + drenched body = GRUMPY DAWN!
7. Candles - Because they are pretty and smell good. They make your living space peaceful and calm, invest in a few and really burn them(I never understood people that buy candles and don't burn them!). 8. Wine - Because it is wine. It correlates with candles see! It makes your living space peaceful and calm. Invest in a few bottles and really drink them(NOT all at once!) I don't understand people that buy wine and don't drink it! So there you have it, a few things you can be grateful for. Look around your World and see color, not just black and white. Enjoy and love your Life, because it IS beautiful! Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly Peace. 

A Love Letter

As I sit here and write to you Eloy, my brother, I can't help but laugh. The memories of us as children, the laughter, the fights(rare), the abuse and all of the love we shared, fill me and sometimes overwhelm me. When we met I was eight and you were six, your mother had taken you and your older and younger brother's from your dad and my father took a suitcase and his... dick. But okay, my mother survived and a new family was formed. There you all were, my step-brother's, as Mexican as I was Black, and we didn't care, most children don't. I knew from the moment I met you that we would be close and we were. Thank you to my mother who explained to all of us that there is no such thing as step or half brother and sister: "You are her brother" as she pointed at you and me "And she is your sister!" end of story. I remember only one 'bad' argument between us and I believe it was due to teenage angst more than anything. But believe me, I still find myself getting mad that you took someone else's side over MINE!? How dare you! And I know if you were here, you would find this totally hilarious. You would bring up how I didn't talk to you for two weeks, how I cried and said you never take sides against me (who am I? The Mob?!) The memories make me laugh of us cooking together, creating cleaning and eating contests for the other siblings, saving money together so that we could take the younger brothers and sisters to the movies and have pizza parties. How giving you were, even as a little kid; I remember telling you the story when I was around ten, about how my white kitten was killed by a dog. The next time I came to the house for daddy/kid(s) visit, you had a picture of a white kitten for me with your signature and "I love you," at the bottom of the portrait. I still have it by the way. I am grateful to you for sharing your secrets of abuse with me, told in whispers and a lot of hand holding. I told you some, but not all, because it was still going on, how could I? I think you already knew anyway. Just like you said to me when you came out "I know you already know Lynn, you are smarter than the average bear!" And there is that sense of humor that I loved beyond anything else. How you could and did laugh with your whole body. That fall out of the chair, hold your stomach type of laughter that siblings have when they are all together and there is always that running joke that no one else gets. I could list so many things that made you special: Your sense of style (which is one of the many reasons you loved my Mama! Both clothes hog's), you died before the term 'Metro Sexual' but boy does that fit you! Your supreme loyalty and honesty, until the end. With every death it seems comes a sense of guilt, your death is no different, we all think there was something that could have been done differently.There wasn't. That big disease with the little name took you and you went the way you wanted. Alone. So you too! Independent with a flair of the dramatic. How could I not respect that? All I could do was be mad and laugh. When I met your friends they all said how you always talked about your brother's and sister's how proud of us you were and how we all have such a sense of style; so for you we dressed to the nine's on your goodbye day, red lipstick and all. You would have loved it! I need you to know how much I love you. That I was always proud of you, that even in our disagreements the love was there. You were and always will be my Best brother and I always wished you Love and Peace, and now you have both. Peace my Eloy. 

Grace

Driving this early morning to get to work, I was not in the best of moods. I was running late and running on empty. Sleep is like a long lost friend lately and the cold is like a family member that came to visit and now won't go home. This was my morning start, scrambling for Time, we all know that never works. As I'm driving down the highway, I'm in my head and I turn to look left and there is a sight that takes my breath away. The Sun had decided to put on a show. Peeking through the gray clouds came the Suns rays, but instead of the rays being a white light, they were pinkish white. Turning the clouds around this beautiful beam of light pink and gray. There is no way for me to give you a perfect visual, moments like this should always come with a picture! It's like trying to describe the Grand Canyon, you have to see it to believe it or it just sounds like a big hole. These are the moments we will miss if we are constantly in our heads.  Moments of pure Grace and beauty.  When we should be saying Thank you, instead of "I have this to pay, this to do and everything feels like a burden." Those things are going to be there and they don't have to be a burden! I don't search for Grace; it usually comes to me when I am distressed, harassed or grouchy. It is a soft smack against my head to remind me to pay attention to what is around me: The good, be aware of the bad and the ugly, but focus on the good. The old adage, Count your Blessings, is appropriately used here and I hope you are counting.  Even when we feel low, count what is good in your Life. My personal belief is that we all have to be open to the idea of feeling good and then be willing to accept it when it comes to us. Be: Ready, willing and able to accept Grace in all its forms. 
Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

Realistically Happy

"I've had a wonderful life, it just took me too long to realize it."

Often times we have to hit hard times in order for us to realize and acknowledge all the good we have or have had in our lives. Why is it necessary for us to get to that low point? Is it really necessary to lose it all before we give thanks for what we have? No, it isn't.  Have you ever been around really negative people or just one person that seems to find fault with everything? Nothing is right, and everything is a dire situation. They say things like: " Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst", They actually think that's helpful! "I'm NOT negative! I am a realist!", " You really need to not be such a dreamer, good things like that rarely happen." These people would suck the fun out of a wet dream! How sad that this is how they view life.  I too am a realist; whatever that is. I say that because; if you live in this world you can't help BUT be a realist. Reality is in your face all day! I am a realist with an optimists viewpoint. Meaning:  I know what is going on good and not so good. I try and help those I can, without talking it into the ground. I pray for all those I can't help and situations that are out of my control. I set happiness goals. Small goals each week that are only going to bring more happiness into my Life. I don't care how small the goal! If it makes you happy, then it is worth it. I try to affirm the positive and run from the negative people and situations. They don't bring happiness.  Is it always easy to tune out the negative? No. But when you do and set your goals for happiness, you won't look back and say you waited to enjoy your life. 

Grateful?......

I have been trying now for four months, everyday, to write something down that I am grateful for;or someone that I am grateful to. Not easy, and sometimes I have to force myself to write or say what I am grateful for, not that I don't have a lot to be happy about. I am like most people, some days just suck and filtering the "sucky" to get to the good can be a challenge, but give me points for trying. I have all of the books that tell you to only focus on the good, the love( even when you don't feel it), the happy things(big or small) smile at people that you don't know, laugh when you feel like crying, etc. and sometimes I want to give these people that wrote these books the middle digit! I want to shout " DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH?!" And then I step back, and I remember my Mama. Compared to her Life, mine has been a bit of a cake walk. I won't compete, compare, but if I did; I believe she would win hands down. My mother died young, forty-one years young to be exact. Her birthday is November 11th and she died on New Years Eve 1987. I used to refer to this time of the year, as the march of death. The space between Mama's birthday and her death. Any memories brought up were given the suffixes: A.D( after death or B.D( before death).Then I realized, she wouldn't want me living that way. As if I am marring my days, my memories, with death. Instead I have started to see my mother as a "living" self-help manual. In so many situations, good or bad, I have heard my mothers voice, her advice. Those anecdotes that guide and sometimes cause me to pause... and think. And so, with this whole gratitude thing that I am trying to accomplish; I hear her: "You won't miss the water till the well runs dry, so be grateful!." In other words why does it have to "go dry" in order for us to be happy? Grateful? Satisfied? with all that is given to us through the Grace of whatever higher power you serve, before we say: Thank you, I am grateful. Must we always hit the bottom? Regardless of what you have been through, are you telling me that there is not ONE thing to be grateful for? I can't convince you of all that there is to be grateful for. But I can tell you this: Living without Gratitude is like being a shell. Empty. Gratitude "fills" you up, it is the mortar to your brick. Allow gratitude to happen! and watch your Life change.