And My Life Went On Pause

"I am strong! I can do this. You are a Trainer! Get up, Girl! GET UP!"

Those are the words that kept circling my mind as I tried to lift myself from my mattress to get to the bathroom. Something so simple. Something that I always took for granted, walking. I haven't written because I couldn't bring myself to. What could I say that was positive? How could I help anyone when I felt I couldn't help myself? Pain is the great equalizer. It doesn't discriminate, show favoritism and is an equal opportunist. I didn't know there were different types of pain. I mean I know there are levels of pain, but not types. Since being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder I have learned about types of pain. Hip pain to the point where you can't walk. Shoulder and neck pain to the point where you can't dress without assistance. Over all limb weakness and lethargy. And then sadness and incredulity set in. Who is this person I have become? Why ME!? 

"I am strong! I can do this! I'm a TRAINER!"

Having an autoimmune disorder is hard for anyone. There is no doubt that anyone with any type of chronic pain feels the need to ask why me? I found that I was driving myself insane with the question. I couldn't get it out of my head. Am I not the strong Lady? Wasn't I the strong, healthy girl? People thought to embarrass me when I was younger because I was the tallest and strongest. But I found comfort in my strength and my good health. I turned my strength into a business when I became a Trainer and Group Fitness Instructor. I totally identified with being a Trainer. I wasn't just Dawn. I am Dawn, The Trainer. I am the Beast that teaches three classes back to back. Then Trains five Clients. Then goes grocery shopping... Where is the break? 

And the Trainer got the break...

Then one morning I couldn't get out of bed. Then one morning I couldn't roll over without excruciating pain. Then one morning I couldn't lift my arms. And my Life took a pause. I felt myself spinning out of control. This couldn't possibly be happening to me. But it is and what are you going to do? 

"I lovingly release my past, they are free and I am free. All is well in my heart now."
Louise Hay
The first thing I had to do and still am working on is to not be ashamed to ask for help. I am The Mama! My kids should ask me for help, not the other way around. I felt humiliated and sometimes I still do. But it is a work in progress and must be done.
I had to learn to trust at least one Doctor. I get on his nerves. I question everything! And I research it all. You must be an advocate for yourself. Remember: They are NOT God. I also utilize alternative medicine. It takes longer to work but it doesn't hurt one thing while helping another thing. This has been a humbling journey. I am still Dawn The Strong just a different type of strong. And I am Blessed that people that love me have stepped up and allowed me to scream when the pain becomes too much and cry in front of them and they don't run away. Doctors don't know how long this will last, for a year or two or forever. But no one can tell you how sick or how well YOU choose to be. I do believe that to my core. This might offend some of you and that is not my intent. I can only refer to myself and my experiences. But can we all agree that we rarely take the time to listen to our bodies? That all the red flags will be there and we choose to ignore them? Please don't! Love on yourselves. Take breaks when you need to. It doesn't always have to be about the climb and the hustle. Wishing you peace and love...but really and mostly Peace. 

The Rules

I know I have written blog(s) regarding common courtesy, expectations, and standards... my own of course :) But, I don't think I have written a blog about what NOT to post on social media, or things that shouldn't be discussed in public bathrooms/locker rooms. Why do I think I must write this? Lately my personal experiences with all of the above gives me cause and pause to think about all that I have seen and heard! Social Media is a wonderful thing; I use it, I enjoy it, but some things should be kept private. Discussing ones marriage, bedroom antics, job issues, infections(gross!) how you hate/love someone, even your political bent should be kept private. Why? The J.O.B. They can and will use personal information against you. I had to explain this to a young client recently, that there is no such thing as a private page. Once posted, even if you delete, your information is now floating in the ether, ready to be snatched down and read. Now, you would think that people would know this by now? And yet, I am still seeing posts like: "My boss can go suck monkey junk!" or "I need a hug!" sigh... Rule # 1 to a happy Life: Say what needs to be said to the person intended. Do NOT email, leave voice mail, text or post on social media. Then it can't be used against you in the court of life and you will show yourself to be courageous and a non-passive aggressive. Locker rooms with their stalls and curtains might seem private, but they aren't. The walls have ears and you never know who is using one of those stalls, right? I shall call this para-graph: Beware the hidden feet. When you are a manager, in the locker room discussing an employee with ANOTHER employee, and the subject being talked about walks out of one of the stalls; weeeeell, that is bad business and in some circles that might even be called slander. Beware the hidden feet! Rule #2 for a happy and simple Life: When you are the person in charge, be a leader that sets a good example. Talk TO your people. Face to face without drama. True leaders have no problem telling you to your face what they need from you and how they want it done. Say it, explain if the need arises and move on. I know that sometimes we all feel as if we aren't being listened to and we are looking to find someone that feels the way we do; on any given topic. But posting all of your business on social media is not the way to go. Rule # 3 to having a wonderful life: Get out and meet some people! Get away from your computer, get off of the internet on your phone, take time to look UP for once. Don't have clandestine meetings in locker rooms! HA! That is just funny. But seriously, get out, stop saying the folks on social media are your "Friends" no they aren't! You don't know half of them.  Get out and get moving, this should actually be the #1 Rule of Life. Peace and love, but mostly Peace.
D.  

Grace

Driving this early morning to get to work, I was not in the best of moods. I was running late and running on empty. Sleep is like a long lost friend lately and the cold is like a family member that came to visit and now won't go home. This was my morning start, scrambling for Time, we all know that never works. As I'm driving down the highway, I'm in my head and I turn to look left and there is a sight that takes my breath away. The Sun had decided to put on a show. Peeking through the gray clouds came the Suns rays, but instead of the rays being a white light, they were pinkish white. Turning the clouds around this beautiful beam of light pink and gray. There is no way for me to give you a perfect visual, moments like this should always come with a picture! It's like trying to describe the Grand Canyon, you have to see it to believe it or it just sounds like a big hole. These are the moments we will miss if we are constantly in our heads.  Moments of pure Grace and beauty.  When we should be saying Thank you, instead of "I have this to pay, this to do and everything feels like a burden." Those things are going to be there and they don't have to be a burden! I don't search for Grace; it usually comes to me when I am distressed, harassed or grouchy. It is a soft smack against my head to remind me to pay attention to what is around me: The good, be aware of the bad and the ugly, but focus on the good. The old adage, Count your Blessings, is appropriately used here and I hope you are counting.  Even when we feel low, count what is good in your Life. My personal belief is that we all have to be open to the idea of feeling good and then be willing to accept it when it comes to us. Be: Ready, willing and able to accept Grace in all its forms. 
Peace and Love, but mostly Peace.