Let's Talk

 I was going to start this Blog with a type of motivational quote, but decided not to.

Getting to the point is my mission today. 

For some years now, I have written about weight loss and the "how-tos" of it. 

I hope I have helped someone! 

I realized that no motivational quote, hiring a Personal Trainer, a Nutritionist, or getting weight loss surgery is going to work if we don't heal what's going on mentally. 

 Cynicism? Nope. 

I have seen it too many times as a Personal Trainer. 

A new client will start hot and strong, but over time, they peter out. 

Why?  

1. The negative self-talk.

2. Past trauma

3. Eating OR Starving themselves for comfort. 

I'm not saying anything new, I know that.

But we need reminders.

Here they are: 

1. Food is our friend. 

We need it for everything we do every day. 

Starving yourself or overeating is not going to heal or negate what has happened to you. 

2. Healing is possible. 

Perfection isn't. 

I'll repeat it for the people in the back: Healing is possible. Perfection is not. 

Starving yourself isn't going to fix anything. 

Following these diet trends will not fix you. 

3. Using food to cover your pain does not work. 

You feel disgusted with yourself, and you run to food to "fix" your mental hurt. 

Ask yourself: What is the goal here? Sickness? Death? 

I will leave you all with this: 

You are allowed to move on. 

We don't have to stay sick. 

We can get help and heal. 

You might not get an apology from the person or person(s) who hurt you. 

If you do, I would be shocked, amazed, and happy for you. 

But I need you to get past this.

I need you to get the help you need. 

Does that sound like an impossibility to you? 

I've been here; I get it. 

I also understand that I had to do the work, and so do you. 

If you want true and lasting change, this needs to happen.

This is why I didn't start with a cute quote...cause ain't nothing cute about it.

It's work, and you absolutely can do this. 

That's my pep talk, and here's a quote: 

"We are stronger, gentler, more resilient, and more beautiful than any of us imagine"

Mark Nepo

Wishing you peace and love, but especially peace. 

Self- Control

 “If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.” 

Napoleon Hill 

Self-control has to be one of the most hated words in history.

Yes, I am exaggerating.

But folks become very angry with you when you ask them to exert a little self-control. 

I have literally been cursed out. 

Told that I have forgotten what it feels like to be overweight.

I've been told that I have no sympathy or compassion for people struggling with weight issues.

Both of those statements are untrue and were said out of frustration.

Why was this person angry with me(they weren't really angry with me)?

 I told them that their excuses were invalid and they lacked self-control. 

Ouch..But, it's my job, to be honest. 

I can speak this way because I have been there.

The first rule of thumb is to never talk about what you don't know.

I know what it feels like to be overweight.

I also know what it takes to get rid of that weight...forever. 

*Self-control. 

A Personal Trainer, Diet, or pill, can't give you self-control.

This comes from within. With a will and need so great that nothing else matters.

You must ask yourself: What am I willing to do, within integrity, to get what I want?  

"Will it be easy?

Nope. 

Will it be worth it? 

Absolutely."

No one can make you, me, or us, do anything. 

There is freedom in that. 

Self-control is a choice.

At some point, you must ask yourself what you really want.

I've never forgotten the sweat, tears, and work that it took to get what I said I wanted. 

And it all required Self-Control. 

So, what did I say to the client who cursed me out? 

What I just said to you. 

I never said it would be easy.

But, I also didn't say it has to be insurmountable.

Don't fight change. 

It's so doable!

It's so worth it!

YOU are so worth it! 

Wishing you love and peace, but mostly peace. 

*Sometimes relying on our own understanding doesn't work.

When this happens, and you just can't get over the "rock"...Therapy is key. 

Take A Minute

 "Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward"

There are moments in life when there is nothing to say or do. 

When you have nothing to say. 

When words and energy have dried up. 

Vocally, for pen, for paper, or the energy for nonsense. 

Including your own. 

I call these moments "Mental Pauses."

They used to annoy me.

Haven't we all been raised to believe that if we aren't scurrying about, we aren't being productive? 

Like hamsters on a wheel, we don't stop.

Where does the wheel go? Are you having fun on that "wheel"?

I have so many questions!

Inquire of oneself: (the conversation could go like this) 

"Self?" (you can respond...I recommend doing this in your head)

"Are you still enjoying your life?"

"Do you still find joy in your work?"

"And if not; why?"

"What can I do, in this moment, to bring joy back?"

All of these questions I asked myself.

And so, my mental pause began.

The stepping back so that I could step forward.

"Working on problems and self-examination is a sign of strength."

Dana Reeve

There is greatness and contentment in being honest with oneself. 

Self-assess, what in your life is worth keeping or giving away?

This is like cleaning a closet! Time-consuming. 

Creating giveaway piles, a for-keeps pile, and then wondering why you bought certain things(that dress was a good idea?).

There isn't another feeling like dropping excess baggage. 

Step down.

Step back.

Rest if you need to. 

It is giving a gift of joy and freedom to yourself.

Take a minute... how about two?

"I must undertake to love myself and to respect myself as though my very life depends upon self-love and self-respect."

Maya Angelou

Wishing you love and peace...But mostly, Peace. 

Peace, Be Still And Ponder

"To be able to sit with oneself...with your thoughts, or no thoughts at all. 

Stillness.

Allowing peace to reign free."

Stillness - Without movement or sound

Stillness (Hindi) - Peace, serenity, calmness, tranquility

Sometimes we get caught in the madness of the world.

It is part and parcel of being human.

We argue, vent, get our feelings hurt, take a break, dust ourselves off, then jump back into the fray. 

Just writing that wore me out. 

I wrote some time ago something my mother used to ask me:
"Would you rather be right, or would you rather have peace?" Being a sarcastic teenager, I would respond "I want to be right!" She would respond this way "Then you will never have peace." 

She was right. 

For a long time, I didn't.

Time, experience, getting hurt, and seeing the damage my own bad behaviors have wrought, made me pause.

I had no choice but to be still and ponder...

Ponder - To think about something carefully, especially before making a decision or coming to a conclusion.

Do you ponder?

It's a precious and beneficial skill set.

 Be still and think deeply before making a rash decision, or saying something you will probably regret. Take a deep breath(two is even better!)and ask yourself "Do I want peace, or do I want to be right?"

Entering the fray is not necessary. And if you feel it is, why? 

Introspection. 

Accountability.

Honesty.

Be still and ponder. 

"If you want peace in your life, you have to stop declaring war."

S. L. Alder

Yeah, that was said. 

The biggest "war" we have, is with ourselves.

When we declare peace, a truce if you will, with ourselves, it becomes easier to find peace with others. I promise you!

Your peace is not expendable.

The war stops with you.

Be still.

Wishing you peace and love... But, mostly...Peace. 

Do You Believe The Lie?

There are people who say that you can't be happy unless you have gone through adversity. They say you can't be strong without struggle and if you have never struggled you don't know true happiness. 

This quote sums up everything I am talking about: 

"The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell."

Really?! Is this the Struggle Olympics? I didn't know we were in a competition to see how bad life can get. 

Lies, all lies. 

That is a belief in the "Struggle Culture."

Let me tell you something that you might already know: Stress, struggling, oppression, kills. Study after study has shown and documented the adverse effects of stress on the Brain, body, emotions, etc. 

So how does the Struggle Culture help you? It doesn't.

But do you believe the lie that it does?

That is the most important question. Because what we believe to be true, we will manifest in our life. 

Have you ever spoken to someone who has been through horrible, life altering experiences? I have and I am sure you have as well. What always amazed me was how I never heard from any of them was this statement "I am so happy that I went through all of that pain because I wouldn't be who I am today!" 

What I have heard is this: "I did go through all of those things. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I have learned to cope with my memories and scars, but I could have done without the pain." And most importantly, what I have learned from these individuals, is how they have chosen their happiness above anything else. They don't roll in misery and the struggle, the hustle, or the grind. They don't just survive, they thrive! 

We were created to thrive.

We were meant for happiness.

But you must believe this and take action!

How?

"What you are looking for is not out there. It is in you."

There are some things in life that we can't control. But we can control our feelings, our actions, our self-talk, how we decide to "move" in life. 

I know it isn't easy to change what we've been taught by society at large, but it is doable. There can be happiness without struggle. There can be happiness after struggling. There can be happiness! 

Believe. 

"The habits you created to survive will no longer serve you when it's time to thrive. Get out of survival mode. New habits, new life."

Wishing you love and peace... but mostly, Peace. 

RAZZLE! DAZZLE! The Hype of the Diet Industry

"A huge part of losing weight is believing you can do it and realizing it's not going to happen overnight." 

I was 225 pounds. I was 225 lbs. I was 225 pounds overweight. And no matter how I said it or wrote it, I was 225 pounds and didn't remember how I gained it. Over time it was just there! I don't remember saying "Wow, I sure am gaining weight!" or "Girl! Maybe one more biscuit isn't the smartest thing right now?" No, I looked in the mirror and there it was. But I am not here to talk about my past fat. I am here to discuss how, if you don't watch it, you will get caught up in the razzle-dazzle of the diet industry. That huge money making beast of a thing! "DON'T EAT FRUIT!" "DON'T EAT CARBS!" "ONLY EAT OUR PROCESSED FOOD(Can you call it food??)" "ONLY EAT PROTEIN!" So many rules. A lot of them made up as they go. Out of desperation and wanting instant results millions fall for this. But here is the deal; it took time gaining the weight. Do you really think in a couple of weeks it will be gone? That is a lot of pressure on yourself and not realistic goals. So then you have the burnout coupled with disappointment. You get a gym membership, sign up for all the Group Fitness Classes, get your protein shakes and start starving yourself! Don't deny it! You know I speak from experience. I would workout and do exercises(or try)that were too advanced while not eating correctly. I would be so sore and hungry after two weeks that I would burn out. Why do you think gym memberships during the month of January is so high? Because everyone is doing what I once did. Then around March people become disenchanted with Gym life. Not because they don't want change, they aren't getting the results they want. And they truly don't know what to do! This is where I come in (exciting huh?) Here are a few tips to help you out on your Health/Fitness Journey. I keep it real. I understand that everyone's body is different and what worked for me, might not work for you. Now with that said, there are some things that are basic rules that work for everyone! A Squat is a squat, and eating vegetables is still good for all. 

1. Set realistic goals. Why are you trying to lose 25lbs in two weeks? It isn't going to happen. And if it does...go see a Doctor! You should have weekly and  monthly goals. Write down where you want to be and what you want to see in regards to your health and fitness in a years time.

2. Use common-sense. 

Read that again. 

There are so many diets out there. So many I can't count. But I can count how many are good for you! Not many. If it feels wrong, it is.  

3. You must eat to lose. 

Facts. Real Food revs up your metabolism. That burns fat for you all day! Don't stop the burn, EAT! These diets are very trendy and like all trends, they fade away, but your fat won't. It will come right back. Why? Because you will still have an unhealthy relationship with food. Change your mind about how you view food and how you eat, then watch the weight come off and stay off. If you just can't figure out how to do this, please see a Nutritionist. 

4. Accept where you are now. 

I can't say it enough(and if you read my blogs, you know I have said it a lot)negative self-talk dismantles all of the good you are trying to accomplish. Plus, it's boring to listen to after awhile. If this is a habit that you have, ask yourself why you do it? Are you fishing for compliments? Do you really believe those horrible things you say about yourself? I don't think you do, so stop. 

5. Exercise is required! No ifs, and's or buts. Three to four times a week. Can you do 30 minutes of Cardio? Make yourself do it. No excuses. Put your earbuds on and walk. 

6. If push comes to shove and you can't make yourself move, it's Personal Trainer time! A Personal Trainer is your accountability partner. We get you up when you don't have the wherewithal to do it for yourself. It is our job to push you and help you become your better self. I call it love. So there you have it. A few tips to help you out and get you ready and hyped for this journey you are on. There is so much to be excited about! You have made the decision to take control of your health. What is there not to love about this? Questions? Concerns? Reach out to me here: bodysoiree@yahoo.com or here: https://twitter.com/Dawnsfit2bfree
Shoot me a question and I wish all of you Love and Peace, but mostly...Peace. 

Pieces

 "And you give yourself away...and you give yourself away...

And you give.

And you give."

"With or Without You"

U2

Sometimes we have been broken into pieces.

Sometimes we have been broken into pieces and don't know how to put ourselves back together.

We can get used to being this broken thing.

It is almost as if we find "comfort" in the brokenness. 

So much so, that when we have moments of inner peace, 

we give ourselves over to drama.

We will give ourselves away to the undeserving. 

To the ungrateful.

We give in and to the brokenness. 

"Sit down.

Breathe."

Me

We are in charge of this miracle called breathing.

How fast or slow we breathe is up to us. 

We control this.

Think about that. 

It is amazing to me that we have all of this control over our bodies but feel we can't control our thoughts and feelings! 

Sit down with yourself.

Sift through the broken pieces.

One by one. 

Decide which ones you are ready to mend.

Visualize creating a new picture of yourself(possibly in canvas instead of glass? :). 

Which pieces, at this moment, are you ready to burn(all figurative! You all don't be burning down stuff for real:)? 

"It is better to live as a broken piece of Jade than to live as useless clay."

Bruce Lee 

Jade is beautiful. 

Even broken, the deepness of the green, the calmness you feel looking at it, and the smoothness of the stone can bring you peace. 

This is you.

Perfect, in your imperfection. 

Possibly a little broken, a little bruised.

Yet and still, beautiful.

What you create from these broken parts is up to you.

That is true power.

You are the Artist of your life.

Take the broken parts, the ones you choose and create something beautiful.

"Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew."

Lauren DeStefano

I want you to know, it took me years to use the word broken in connection to myself or anyone else.

The idea of being broken offended me. 

I took it as an insult and the questioning of my mental fortitude.

I was also in denial.

It's okay to laugh, I do. 

With time, acceptance, and the willingness to sit with the brokenness, I realized that we don't have to stay broken.

Some days will be harder than others.

That's alright, you got this!

Sit.

Breathe.

Sift through the pieces, one by one.

The hardest part is over.

You owned your brokenness.

Now, come on Humpty, let's put you back together. 

Wishing you peace and love, but mostly...Peace. 

Decide.

 “WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS, IF YOU WANT TO DO THINGS YOUR OWN WAY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION - YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A LITTLE COURAGE.”

― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

It takes courage to make decisions.

You won't always have people rah-rah-ing you or high fiving you at the finish line. 

Especially when it involves self-care.

And that is okay. 

Do you slap yourself on the shoulder every so often and give yourself the nod of approval? 

Well, you should!

We, as ever-changing Humans, can be our worst critics and our biggest heroes. 

Be your hero. 

"Sometimes, you're all you have" -

and sometimes that's all you need.

Anonymous

The last four months have been...interesting.

I would dare to say difficult. 

Why?

I took on clients where I saw so much potential. 

I knew they had it in them to change.

To receive everything they said they wanted.

The problem was...they couldn't see it!

They couldn't get past the lies they fed(excuse the pun)themselves. 

To step out of the box they had put themselves in and see the truth of who they are. 

They weren't ready to be their own Hero. 

Where do you stand?

Do you rank high on your list of priorities? 

Do you listen to what people have said or are saying about you?

Do you allow other people to deter/discourage you from making necessary changes?  

When you make decisions(do you?)regarding your self-care, do you choose what is in your best and highest interests? 

Take the time to evaluate and assess. 

This doesn't have to be hard.

Just decide. 

Stay low, stay quiet, keep it simple, don't expect too much, enjoy what you have.Dean Koontz
Decide who you want to be. 

I don't say that lightly.

But it was my first step to self-approval. 

At any weight!

I decided who I was.

Where I wanted to be.

How I wanted to be.

And I try to live with intention.

With mistakes along the way, and that is also okay. 

This is to encourage you to do the same. 

I am going to leave you with a blueprint of sorts.

Write it out and allow change to happen.

Wishing you Love & Peace...but mostly, Peace. 

1. Work on loving yourself, right now, at this moment 

 

2.  Have quiet time with yourself (time out!)

 3.   If you aren't willing to do the work for change, stop complaining. 

 

 4. Big thighs, save lives! Love your thighs. Love your face. Love your butt. Need I say more? Okay, I will: LOVE YOURSELF!

5. Speak kind words to yourself and try, to others. 

6. Admit when you need help and then get it. 

 

It Goes On

 “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

 Robert Frost.

I, like you, have read the Think pieces about all of the turmoil that the world, meaning us, went through this past year. The civil and racial unrest. The pandemic, job, and food insecurity...shall I go on? I know I don't need to. You get it. And while all of these things were happening, and it's clear they aren't being made up. Did you notice how life kept going on? One day followed another, and this beautiful Earth didn't explode. Maybe someday's we wanted the world to stop. But it didn't. With grumbling and some frustration, we got up and got things done. With kids home and some of us having to take in extended family, we got up and got things done. Life moves on. 

"Anything you can't control is teaching you how to let go."

Jackson Kiddard

Not being in control can feel scary. This past year has shown, that when people feel they have no control externally, they lose self-control. When you take the time to sit with yourself and think, what exactly do you control? Wait! Don't worry, this isn't me trying to be deep. I mean, who wants that? :) But know, the control is within us. This pandemic reinforced what I thought I already knew: How you take care of yourself, and your loved ones is the control you have. How you move in this world and present yourself, is control. When we take care of these important things, it's amazing how everything else falls into place. Does that sound too simplistic? Is it negating all of the world's angst? Not at all. But is the answer running down the street, yanking at our hair, screaming "THE PANDEMIC IS HERE AND YOU ARE ALL GOING TO LOSE YOUR JOBS AND GO HUUUUNGGRRYYY!!" Yeah, that will get you invited to next year's neighborhood barbeque. Self-control is part of the self-care bundle. When everyone is running around, maskless, and no social distancing to be seen, you'll be that one. Scared, probably, but with their ducks in a row. Controlling what you can, in-house, and everything else can work itself out.  

"Life is like the waves on the ocean, it keeps going."

Unknown

I decided a while back that if life was going to move on, with or without me, I might as well move on with it. Gently and with less complaining. Which was hard because I am such an awesome complainer! It's a talent. I am not prescient. I don't know what's coming around the corner of tomorrow. But I work with what I have. That is my advice to you. Send out positive vibes, even when the world wants to pull you with your good vibes down. Keep going! Work with what you have and believe when no one else will.

 I wish you all love and peace, but mostly, Peace! 

When You Are Related To Crazy, The Finale: Things My Mama Said

 "I don't know Karate! But I KNOW Ka-Razor!"

Mr. James Brown

I love the song "The Big Payback" so much. It always fueled my mood for retribution. Oh! You thought I was some Saint? You thought I have never thought of the big payback? Crossing the ones that have crossed me? Making calls and sending emails and burning down certain people's lives? Sure I did. I'm Human, aren't I? I understand the rage and the need to tell your side of the story. I understand how it feels to have the ones that wounded you, twist the story, not take responsibility for the pain they caused, and worst of all, spread lies. You have every right to feel anger and frustration. You have every right to cry. These are all normal reactions and so is wanting revenge. Let me explain why I never did seek the big payback...That Lady, also known as my Mama. I heard her as clear as a bell say, "Never allow anyone to change who you are at your core." And like that, the wind was taken out of my revenge fantasies. Sometimes it's a very jagged and bitter pill to swallow when you realize that you're a pretty decent person. And when the revenge haze wears off, you realize that what you really want, is inner peace. Revenge erodes the heart, just like bitterness and anger. And every last one of those negative emotions and actions will steal all joy from your life. Remember? We are healing. What we put out into the world, you can bet money, we will get it back. This leads me to ...

"You don't have to lift a finger against em'. Life will teach them."

Mama

There are those who don't believe in Karma and that's okay because Karma believes in them. For the good, the bad, or ugly we receive our just desserts. Would you agree? I, too, have been on the receiving end of those tables turning and it wasn't fun! On the other hand, when I put good out there and focused on my healing, I was amazed at how light I felt. Light is the best word that I have for releasing the pain of abuse. You will feel light. You will be light! How? You unburdened yourself of guilt and shame that wasn't yours to carry. Life is a wonderful teacher, so don't lay a hand or word against them. Allow life to have that honor. Don't revel in anyone's pain, focus on your healing. Let your light shine through.

"Even though your wounds are not your fault, your healing is still your responsibility." 

I wrote this series to let you know you are not alone and that you are loved. At this moment you might feel as if you will never overcome the emotional pain that you are in. That doesn't have to be the case at all! Healing is there for you if you put in the work. You have the power to break this pattern and be happy. To wake up every day and find joy. It's worth it. YOU are worth it! The life that you want is there for you...think about that, the way you do those revenge fantasies! Lol 

Wishing you peace and love...but mostly, Peace. 

When You Are Related To Crazy, Part 3: See Clearly

 "You can't heal in the place that made you sick."

Unknown

Have you made some changes? I need you to know that any adjustment, big or small, is progress. If you have read my other blogs in this series, you know that I know that change is not easy. You will have push back. You will, at times, have shaky legs, but you can survive this. Not only survive but also thrive!  Our goal here is to not constantly rehash the past. It is to see a future where you approve of yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. Let's do some work.

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love"

Karolina Kurkova

Are you safe with yourself? It is an odd question, I know. It is also a question we rarely ask ourselves. We tend to focus on how others treat us, now I want you to look at how you treat yourself. What is your personal love language? Have you created a safe space for yourself to heal?  

"I approve of myself"

"I am safe"

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

Affirm yourself. Affirmations are so important! I can't say it enough or write it enough. Looking outside of ourselves for approval is very dangerous. Why? Happiness comes from within. Self-worth is not found in the crowd, only we can give ourselves that. When we look outside of ourselves for love, caring, approval(especially coming from a dysfunctional family)we put ourselves in situations where we will always work against our self-interests. There is no doubt that this is "moving differently" for a lot of us, but if you have started doing the work, keep going! Be proud for following through and being an advocate for yourself. Say them with me: 

"I approve of myself"

"I am safe"

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

"We ignore seeing the truth for temporary happiness"

But are you happy? It might sound dramatic to some, but when I was still believing I could heal surrounded by the same people who hurt me, I was never happy! In fact, I was resentful and passive-aggressive, these are all facts. When I look back at my younger self, there are no judgments and I don't want you to judge yourself. It takes time and patience with self to clean this up, give yourself this gift. I won't give you too much homework to do! Start with the affirmations, create your boundaries, incorporate deep breathing throughout your day, and be ready for your healing. See and speak your truth because you are worthy! Remember: "We are only as blind as we want to be." Maya Angelou and when you want to heal, the truth ain't pretty most times, but it will set you free. 

Repeat after me: 

"I approve of myself" 

"I am safe" 

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

 Wishing you all love and peace, but mostly peace! 

When You Are Related To Crazy Pt. 2: Boundaries and Why You Need Them!

 "Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it."

If it was easy, everyone would do it. I'm talking about creating and being committed to keeping boundaries. Setting boundaries is hard, there is no question about it. It is especially hard when you have been raised in dysfunction. But the fact that you are reading this, and have probably made some moves to heal, means you are ready for the next phase: Creating The List. What's "The List?" you might ask. Let's go! 

"Cutting people from my life doesn't mean I hate them. It means I respect myself." 

Who are we without our families? It is a question some of us have asked when we have allowed ourselves to question the behaviors and actions of family members. When we allow ourselves to see clearly. Ignorance and "blindness" can be blissful...until they aren't. Do you know who you are without your family? Are the roots of familial dysfunction so deep, that you can't dig your way out? I need you to sit down, with a pen and paper and think. Close your eyes, take deep cleansing breaths, and with clarity, start writing a list:

1.Who hurt you? Still keeping it within the family unit.

2. How old were you?

3. How it made you feel.

4. How did it change the trajectory of your life? In connection to feeling, trusting, loving, how you interact with others. How do you feel about yourself? 

5. Are these people still in your life? 

I need you to know, this list is not a one-day assignment. The more memories you allow to surface, the longer the list will become, and that is great! It's called the clean up for a reason. Now that you have your list, what do you do? Start from the top of the list. Why? There was a reason why this person is number #1! Allow yourself to remember. It's okay, you are brave, you can do this! Write down how you feel when thinking of them at this age. What do you get from the interaction with them? Is the relationship healthy? Remember, you are worthy and so are your feelings. There is no shame here...write it all out. Where do you go from here? 

"NO! Is NOT a curse word!"

The moment I learned to feel the word no, the game changed. I say feel because we all start saying no around the age of two. Toddlers are every parent's nightmare because of that one word, "NO!" said/screamed with gusto! When do we forget we have the right to say NO! to what doesn't serve us? No is an instant boundary. No, said with assertion, is a beautiful thing to behold. A face to face conversation might not be in the mix, for now, so here are a few tips:

1. Write them a letter or send an email. I don't recommend texting.

2. Always value yourself and your time. You are important and should be treated well. 

3. Do what is best for you. When you finally say no to all of the drama, you do not have to explain why. 

4. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a confrontation. Be direct without being confrontational. Keep the focus on your needs, even if they don't get it. This is for you! 

5. Create a list of coping skills and strategies. How do you learn coping skills? By knowing your triggers. We all have them.  

6. Step away. There should be no guilt connected in saying I have had enough. There is also no time limit to healing. Again, do what is best for you.  

"Toxic people will make you feel like you're holding a grudge. No, dude. That's a boundary."

I love that quote! But let me tell you something when you start to approve of yourself, you will be amazed as to how your life will change. It all comes down to self-worth. You have the power as to who you want in your space. Affirm: "I approve of myself" every chance you get. Are you able to look into a mirror and say it to yourself? I know it sounds crazy, but try it...can you do it? If not, that is part of the assignment(I love giving assignments!:).  There is a wonderful quote from Lalah Deliah that reads "She remembered who she was and the game changed." Remember who you are. Wishing you love and peace, but mostly peace. 

When You Are Related To Crazy Pt. 1 The Disengagement

 "Love didn't hurt you. Someone who doesn't know how to love hurt you. Don't confuse the two." 

Steve Maraboli

This is a blog for healing. I don't write it to revisit pain; physical or mental. Because as you probably already know, mental pain will manifest into physical pain. So I don't need to write about that. You also know your own story of dysfunction and a considerable amount of mine, so I don't need to delve into that again. This is the "How To" blog. I am writing this in segments. The first being about disengagement. This is a big deal. You know why? What you are saying, is that you choose you. That you are willing and able to stand alone. How to start: 

1. Affirm, every day, that you approve of yourself and your decisions. You are to say this out loud to yourself as many times a day as possible. It will seem weird and crazy...but you've dealt with worse kinds of crazy so this ain't bad at all! 

2. Remember, salt and sugar look the same, so be careful who you trust and allow into your personal space. You must use discernment and trust what your physical eyes and mental intuition are telling you. Ask yourself: How do I feel when I am with this person or these people? Would I be friends with them if I wasn't related to them? Was there physical, mental, or sexual abuse in this relationship? If the answer is yes to one or all, have you healed? Did you receive counseling? If not; please do! There is no healing if you are in denial and fraternizing with someone who is toxic. 

3. Love doesn't hurt. When you are raised in toxicity, you will find that you attract toxic people. No, I know you don't mean to, none of us do. Once you make the leap to filter out the toxic family members, the next step is to sift and shed the "friends" connected to those toxic family members. Ask yourself these questions: Why are they still here? What am I getting from this/these relationships? Is holding on to them a way for me to hold on to the toxic family members? Is there love, mutual upbuilding, laughter? 

4. Forgiveness is freedom. Disengagement should(if possible)not be done from a place of hatred. Why? You will always go back. As the song says "It's a thin line between love and hate." Hating doesn't allow for clear thinking. It is hard to see through the haze of hatred. Believe me, I have been there, which is why I can tell you that you will go back. Once your self-approval rating goes up and you are being "rebuilt" on a foundation of love, the healing has started. You won't have much time for hate. 

"I am mine.

Before I am ever anyone else's."

-in

I need you to remember something.

Disengaging takes time. It is a work in progress!

Please do not be hard on yourself, if you find yourself in the company of people that have caused you pain. 

You are yours first. You have to live in your body, with your own thoughts and memories. It is your divine right to be at peace with all three of those. Happiness is available and so is love...they live inside of you. Wishing you peace and love...But mostly Peace. 

Let The Hoe Be Your Friend...Garden!

"In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."

M. Atwood

Can you believe I used to be "That Girl?" The Girl that did not, no matter what, go outside. I had a dislike for most activities done outside, except playing Baseball with my cousins. I remember my mother going through her earthy, crunchy faze when we lived in Oregon and I was forced( yeah, I use dramatic language like that!:)to camp, fish and actually eat food outside! I shudder to remember it. For years, for me, outside equaled bugs and dirt. I never understood the whole walking barefoot thing! Not even in your own backyard. And what is that in your hand? A Spade? What does it do? When I had children, I would take them to the park, beach, walking and then rush home to wash that dirty outside off of them😀! Just a little germaphobia going on. Don't be afraid. What changed my twisted attitude? Life. 

"Never underestimate the healing power of a quiet moment in the garden."

I was sick. So sick my Body was stripped of its strength and vitality. So sick that I couldn't move, physically or mentally. I was scared and sad and all those other adjectives that mean sick/sad/scared(those are a lot of S's!)and I was succumbing to that deep abyss of depression and anger. For a long time I couldn't make it down the stairs to get outside. But when I could, my Eldest daughter, gently, suggested I go outside to get some Vitamin D. "Sit, Mama" She said. "The Sun will help you feel better." And it did. Then I looked at my front yard and I got this crazy idea to have a big Wildflower patch. See, I had tried this before, but like I explained to you in the beginning, Dawn don't do outside. My idea of "gardening" was boxes of Wildflower mixes that you buy from Family Dollar, a glass of champagne in one hand, and toss the seeds all over, give em' a Texas burial, done. I was serious this time. I had a goal. I had a purpose. 

"If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need."

I can't agree with this more. 

I used to listen to people talk about gardening and the look on their faces was always of peace. I understood the feeling, but I had never found it outside. My places of peace was always the gym or the library. Now I get it. I step outside and whatever angst I was feeling, gone. I used a hoe for the first time in my life this Summer! One of my Clients(a FABULOUS Gardener herself!)taught me. My Ex-husband looked at me with hoe in hand, floppy sun hat on, and said "It's official, YOU are old!" I had just enough time to tell him to shut-up before I got back to weeding. Peace reigns supreme when surrounded by nature. Me and the bugs understand each other. They stay off of me, thanks to Bounce sheets and OFF and I stay respectful and don't kill them in their home. Pruning(yeah, I say words like that now:), I disturbed a deep green spider. It took my breath away. Gardening requires patience, not one of my strong points, but I have gotten so much better. There is healing in patience and kindness. There is healing in just sitting outside with your own thoughts, allowing the beauty of nature to wash over you. There is healing. Wishing you all love and peace...but mostly, Peace. 

But Did You Die? A Love Story

"But Did You Die?"

I bought a t-shirt with this slogan on it. It's a Personal Trainer type question. One that we will ask a Client that is griping and groaning about the hard workout that we just gave them. With sarcasm and a little bit of derision, we will ask "But did you die?." No? Then keep moving!" I really started to think about this saying. I mean I had to sit and really think(I used all of my brain cells!)about it...this applies to so many things in life. This question is deeper than I thought. Take a moment with me. Take a moment to think about all of the times in your life when you thought the pain of whatever you were going through was going to actually kill you. It isn't dramatic at all. Heartache, depression, desperation, loneliness, deep disappointment, physical pain, all of these things can have any one of us feeling as if we would want to die. It isn't a comfortable conversation, but it's real. But we didn't. We didn't die. We are here to tell the tale. So, let's tell it. 

"Life is a gift. Wake up every day and realize that."

There are levels of heartache, I realized this young. There is the heartache of young love. When you believe there is no other love like yours. Your love could start fires that could never be put out. Just because you are young, doesn't mean that your love isn't real, but it is usually fleeting. Then there is the pain of betrayal, familial or romantic and the pain cuts right through you. You don't want the Sun to shine or flowers to grow. Stop the World! The pain of divorce I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I mean that. There is the pain of realizing that you aren't the person you thought you were and they sure ain't the person you thought they were! STOP THE WORLD! Then the heartbreaking pain of loss from the great equalizer: Death. Death doesn't give a WHAT! Death doesn't care how much money you have, what ethnicity you are, if you have a good job, blah, blah, blah. When my mother was dying, I told myself that if she were to die, so would I. Now mind you, I was newly married with our first child on the way. I had a lot to live for. If my Mama would have known what I was thinking, she would have disowned me. Her very words, always, were "You get one life, go live!." Even in pain, life is a gift. Do you feel it? Do you see your gift? 

"You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life you are excited about. Don't let others make you forget that."

You can't change how people feel about you. You can't change how people behave. But you can change how you react. You can change how you view your life. When I tell you I fell in love with myself, I am not yanking your chain. It is a true statement. And through my love, I found my self-worth. And through my self-worth, I found my desire to be happy. I realized that I actually deserve happiness. I didn't die from all of the pain. I needed to live to tell you the tale of the "Getting Over: The story of Hope and Joy." I just made that up by the way. You can use it if you like. :) It's a story that is still going on! YOU deserve happiness. You deserve to be excited every day about what's coming next. Heartbreak will happen in all its forms, that's life at work. As Rocky Balboa said(I love Rocky!) "Nothin' hits harder than life." And we shall take that hit and get up saying, I absolutely love life! I absolutely love me! And I didn't die! :) Wishing you love and peace! But mostly, Peace. 

So You're The One?

So you're the one?
The one who threatens and slanders. 
The one who hides behind false masculinity 
While your weakness seethes.
So you're the one who hates Women?
Oh! I know you'll deny it,
You'll never admit it! 
But your actions speak loudly and differently.

I know the pimp is your mascot.
I see how you admire the fist connecting to a Black woman's face.
I hear you dismiss the violation, the death of...
Bodies
Spirits
Souls
I see you curse Women
Do you see your Mother in her face?
I hear you use the word Female as if it's a slur
"Those feee-mallles" 
"These Feeee-mmallless..."
You say it with a lip curl and sneer.
You, who hide behind gang signs and governments
Legal or illegal
What's the difference?
When you have made it your job to subjugate
violate
denigrate
dismiss
Do you know you're weak?
Who are you without Me?
Weak. 

The Holidays Can be Hard, but then again, so can Life. Suck It Up.

I used to call this time of the year "The Death March." Sounds dramatic(and it was)but I had good reason; this is the time when my Mama was getting worse. The cancer had done its worst and she couldn't hold on. She died on New Year's Eve. Until I was in my mid 40's I dreaded this time of year. I could feel my mood change around November 11. Why? Because that was her Birthday! I know, Right!? Can I get a friggin' break? NO! I can't because that is not how it works. This is something my Mother would have said to me and I would have been peeved. She would look at me and ask "So, this is what breaks you?"...

"If this is what breaks you..."

Let me finish that quote for you: "If this is what breaks you, what are you going to do when something bigger happens? Life can get real hard." 
My Mama

I now know this to be true. I also know that a lot of things my Mother said sounded harsh to some, but she spoke the truth. At some point, we have lost the ability to speak the truth. To say the hard things when they need to be said. My mother was Queen of not sugar coating anything! HA! I wanted some sugar some times. Could you NOT be so blunt? When I started speaking the hard truth to myself, I realized that my mother wouldn't want me to remember her with sadness. That went against everything she was. She was a woman who went through very hard things and died too young. But, she lived! She would say to me "Don't use me as an excuse to lie in the bed and cry! You really need to get past this!" and she would have said just that. Because there is no getting "over" the death of a loved one, but there is getting past it; so we can live. 

"Sorry to tell you, you ain't the first, nor will you be the last..."
My Mere(French for Mama:)

Everyone has a story. Everyone has lost someone. I am going to say something that has been said since the era of Self - Discovery/Awareness began: When someone we love dies, let's remember their lives, instead of their death. Yup! I used to roll my eyes at that too! Lol. But what can I say? It's true. When I first heard those words I wasn't ready to receive that message. As I have gotten older, I realized that my mama was saying the same thing; just differently. "You need to get past this." You have to live...

Once upon a time, there was a woman with five children. Five children that loved and depended on her with every fiber of their beings. This woman was love, light, and laughter. She might not have been a big deal to the world, but she was the world and a big deal to her children. Then one day, her deadly foe came back! After lying in wait for ten years, it saw a chink in her armor. It nestled in and bloomed, dimming the Ladies light, but not taking her will to live. One day, as her children hovered around her hospital bed, fore they couldn't seem to move their feet far from her, their bodies were slowly turning to stone and their hearts were hollowing, the Lady asked for her purse(sidenote: A Black Mother can never get her own purse! Ill or well, she would have told someone to get the purse that is clearly sitting next to her feet! now, back to my story)She reaches in and pulls out her magical card, aka a Mastercard and says: "Take my card and get out of this room! Go get good food." NO! The children said. "We will eat here, in your room." The Lady kicked her children out and they ate at her favorite Mexican restaurant on her dime. And the children laughed and cried and lived...The Lady had made her point. 

Remember with laughter. Feel what you need to feel. Kick and scream in your car or in your bed(my personal fave)then live. Wishing you all love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Dawn Ellen
Daughter of The Lady