Let The Hoe Be Your Friend...Garden!

"In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."

M. Atwood

Can you believe I used to be "That Girl?" The Girl that did not, no matter what, go outside. I had a dislike for most activities done outside, except playing Baseball with my cousins. I remember my mother going through her earthy, crunchy faze when we lived in Oregon and I was forced( yeah, I use dramatic language like that!:)to camp, fish and actually eat food outside! I shudder to remember it. For years, for me, outside equaled bugs and dirt. I never understood the whole walking barefoot thing! Not even in your own backyard. And what is that in your hand? A Spade? What does it do? When I had children, I would take them to the park, beach, walking and then rush home to wash that dirty outside off of them😀! Just a little germaphobia going on. Don't be afraid. What changed my twisted attitude? Life. 

"Never underestimate the healing power of a quiet moment in the garden."

I was sick. So sick my Body was stripped of its strength and vitality. So sick that I couldn't move, physically or mentally. I was scared and sad and all those other adjectives that mean sick/sad/scared(those are a lot of S's!)and I was succumbing to that deep abyss of depression and anger. For a long time I couldn't make it down the stairs to get outside. But when I could, my Eldest daughter, gently, suggested I go outside to get some Vitamin D. "Sit, Mama" She said. "The Sun will help you feel better." And it did. Then I looked at my front yard and I got this crazy idea to have a big Wildflower patch. See, I had tried this before, but like I explained to you in the beginning, Dawn don't do outside. My idea of "gardening" was boxes of Wildflower mixes that you buy from Family Dollar, a glass of champagne in one hand, and toss the seeds all over, give em' a Texas burial, done. I was serious this time. I had a goal. I had a purpose. 

"If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need."

I can't agree with this more. 

I used to listen to people talk about gardening and the look on their faces was always of peace. I understood the feeling, but I had never found it outside. My places of peace was always the gym or the library. Now I get it. I step outside and whatever angst I was feeling, gone. I used a hoe for the first time in my life this Summer! One of my Clients(a FABULOUS Gardener herself!)taught me. My Ex-husband looked at me with hoe in hand, floppy sun hat on, and said "It's official, YOU are old!" I had just enough time to tell him to shut-up before I got back to weeding. Peace reigns supreme when surrounded by nature. Me and the bugs understand each other. They stay off of me, thanks to Bounce sheets and OFF and I stay respectful and don't kill them in their home. Pruning(yeah, I say words like that now:), I disturbed a deep green spider. It took my breath away. Gardening requires patience, not one of my strong points, but I have gotten so much better. There is healing in patience and kindness. There is healing in just sitting outside with your own thoughts, allowing the beauty of nature to wash over you. There is healing. Wishing you all love and peace...but mostly, Peace. 

But Did You Die? A Love Story

"But Did You Die?"

I bought a t-shirt with this slogan on it. It's a Personal Trainer type question. One that we will ask a Client that is griping and groaning about the hard workout that we just gave them. With sarcasm and a little bit of derision, we will ask "But did you die?." No? Then keep moving!" I really started to think about this saying. I mean I had to sit and really think(I used all of my brain cells!)about it...this applies to so many things in life. This question is deeper than I thought. Take a moment with me. Take a moment to think about all of the times in your life when you thought the pain of whatever you were going through was going to actually kill you. It isn't dramatic at all. Heartache, depression, desperation, loneliness, deep disappointment, physical pain, all of these things can have any one of us feeling as if we would want to die. It isn't a comfortable conversation, but it's real. But we didn't. We didn't die. We are here to tell the tale. So, let's tell it. 

"Life is a gift. Wake up every day and realize that."

There are levels of heartache, I realized this young. There is the heartache of young love. When you believe there is no other love like yours. Your love could start fires that could never be put out. Just because you are young, doesn't mean that your love isn't real, but it is usually fleeting. Then there is the pain of betrayal, familial or romantic and the pain cuts right through you. You don't want the Sun to shine or flowers to grow. Stop the World! The pain of divorce I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I mean that. There is the pain of realizing that you aren't the person you thought you were and they sure ain't the person you thought they were! STOP THE WORLD! Then the heartbreaking pain of loss from the great equalizer: Death. Death doesn't give a WHAT! Death doesn't care how much money you have, what ethnicity you are, if you have a good job, blah, blah, blah. When my mother was dying, I told myself that if she were to die, so would I. Now mind you, I was newly married with our first child on the way. I had a lot to live for. If my Mama would have known what I was thinking, she would have disowned me. Her very words, always, were "You get one life, go live!." Even in pain, life is a gift. Do you feel it? Do you see your gift? 

"You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life you are excited about. Don't let others make you forget that."

You can't change how people feel about you. You can't change how people behave. But you can change how you react. You can change how you view your life. When I tell you I fell in love with myself, I am not yanking your chain. It is a true statement. And through my love, I found my self-worth. And through my self-worth, I found my desire to be happy. I realized that I actually deserve happiness. I didn't die from all of the pain. I needed to live to tell you the tale of the "Getting Over: The story of Hope and Joy." I just made that up by the way. You can use it if you like. :) It's a story that is still going on! YOU deserve happiness. You deserve to be excited every day about what's coming next. Heartbreak will happen in all its forms, that's life at work. As Rocky Balboa said(I love Rocky!) "Nothin' hits harder than life." And we shall take that hit and get up saying, I absolutely love life! I absolutely love me! And I didn't die! :) Wishing you love and peace! But mostly, Peace. 

So You're The One?

So you're the one?
The one who threatens and slanders. 
The one who hides behind false masculinity 
While your weakness seethes.
So you're the one who hates Women?
Oh! I know you'll deny it,
You'll never admit it! 
But your actions speak loudly and differently.

I know the pimp is your mascot.
I see how you admire the fist connecting to a Black woman's face.
I hear you dismiss the violation, the death of...
Bodies
Spirits
Souls
I see you curse Women
Do you see your Mother in her face?
I hear you use the word Female as if it's a slur
"Those feee-mallles" 
"These Feeee-mmallless..."
You say it with a lip curl and sneer.
You, who hide behind gang signs and governments
Legal or illegal
What's the difference?
When you have made it your job to subjugate
violate
denigrate
dismiss
Do you know you're weak?
Who are you without Me?
Weak. 

The Holidays Can be Hard, but then again, so can Life. Suck It Up.

I used to call this time of the year "The Death March." Sounds dramatic(and it was)but I had good reason; this is the time when my Mama was getting worse. The cancer had done its worst and she couldn't hold on. She died on New Year's Eve. Until I was in my mid 40's I dreaded this time of year. I could feel my mood change around November 11. Why? Because that was her Birthday! I know, Right!? Can I get a friggin' break? NO! I can't because that is not how it works. This is something my Mother would have said to me and I would have been peeved. She would look at me and ask "So, this is what breaks you?"...

"If this is what breaks you..."

Let me finish that quote for you: "If this is what breaks you, what are you going to do when something bigger happens? Life can get real hard." 
My Mama

I now know this to be true. I also know that a lot of things my Mother said sounded harsh to some, but she spoke the truth. At some point, we have lost the ability to speak the truth. To say the hard things when they need to be said. My mother was Queen of not sugar coating anything! HA! I wanted some sugar some times. Could you NOT be so blunt? When I started speaking the hard truth to myself, I realized that my mother wouldn't want me to remember her with sadness. That went against everything she was. She was a woman who went through very hard things and died too young. But, she lived! She would say to me "Don't use me as an excuse to lie in the bed and cry! You really need to get past this!" and she would have said just that. Because there is no getting "over" the death of a loved one, but there is getting past it; so we can live. 

"Sorry to tell you, you ain't the first, nor will you be the last..."
My Mere(French for Mama:)

Everyone has a story. Everyone has lost someone. I am going to say something that has been said since the era of Self - Discovery/Awareness began: When someone we love dies, let's remember their lives, instead of their death. Yup! I used to roll my eyes at that too! Lol. But what can I say? It's true. When I first heard those words I wasn't ready to receive that message. As I have gotten older, I realized that my mama was saying the same thing; just differently. "You need to get past this." You have to live...

Once upon a time, there was a woman with five children. Five children that loved and depended on her with every fiber of their beings. This woman was love, light, and laughter. She might not have been a big deal to the world, but she was the world and a big deal to her children. Then one day, her deadly foe came back! After lying in wait for ten years, it saw a chink in her armor. It nestled in and bloomed, dimming the Ladies light, but not taking her will to live. One day, as her children hovered around her hospital bed, fore they couldn't seem to move their feet far from her, their bodies were slowly turning to stone and their hearts were hollowing, the Lady asked for her purse(sidenote: A Black Mother can never get her own purse! Ill or well, she would have told someone to get the purse that is clearly sitting next to her feet! now, back to my story)She reaches in and pulls out her magical card, aka a Mastercard and says: "Take my card and get out of this room! Go get good food." NO! The children said. "We will eat here, in your room." The Lady kicked her children out and they ate at her favorite Mexican restaurant on her dime. And the children laughed and cried and lived...The Lady had made her point. 

Remember with laughter. Feel what you need to feel. Kick and scream in your car or in your bed(my personal fave)then live. Wishing you all love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Dawn Ellen
Daughter of The Lady

"Self-Care: The Struggle is Real"

"There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself."
Brian Andreas

What I have noticed over the years is that people have a hard time with the whole purpose of self-care and why it's important. They will argue with you as to why(and there are a lot of why's!)they don't have time for such "frivolous" things like pedicures and bubble baths or just sitting quietly. They will give you a laundry list of all the errands they must run, kids they have to haul here and there, work, work, and more work, not enough money or time! I usually stop this rant by asking one question "Did you speak kindly to yourself today?" Oh! The looks I get when I ask that! Self-care doesn't mean that you have to go somewhere and spend money. It doesn't just mean bubble baths with candles or exercise(but I will take both of those, thank you!) Self-care is being kind to yourself on every level. To speak kind words to yourself is the ultimate form of self-care. 

"Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself in order to get anything done in this world."
Lucille Ball

My Mama used to say "If you don't love yourself, how can you truly say you love others." I thought she didn't know what she was talking about. Like all children, I thought I knew better. How horribly wrong I was. I thought that if you loved yourself first, it made you a narcissist. The examples I saw of people who "loved" themselves were not the best examples folks. They actually WERE narcissists! So I decided to be the polar opposite: The Selfless Giver, another extreme. The selfless giver gives all and keeps nothing for Self, enter Stage Right, martyrdom and supreme unhappiness. Why is the selfless giver unhappy? Because they have this unrealistic expectation that if they give and give, people will treat them the way they have decided to treat others. They also have a skewed definition of self-care and self-love. Once the selfless giver adjusts their thinking and finally gets the correct definition of self-care which is self-love, there is a balance. 

"The only person that can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore."
C. Joybell C.

I love this quote. It is saying, simply, that it's in your power to be happy or sad, lift yourself up or drown. it's all you. People like to say the world owes you nothing and they are right. But you owe yourself a lot! Let me tell you something when I started practicing self-care, all of a sudden people started calling me conceited! HA! Why? Because every so often, when I would pass something that reflected my image back to me, I would smile at myself. This had nothing to do with how I looked, but how I felt. I held myself differently. I walked like I knew who I was and knew where I was going. I practiced self-care and how amazing, because when I did, along came happiness. I took control...of me. So when I say self-care must come from a place of self-love, now you get it. It is feeling worthy and being accountable to yourself for yourself. 
Wishing you peace & love, but mostly Peace. 

"It's Not Your Fault! You Tried."

Care.


Most Personal Trainers came into the Fitness Industry because they wanted to help people reach Health and Fitness goals. That requires a level of care. The issue is that sometimes that caring will turn into aiding, abetting and enabling. Are we all guilty of this? We mean well, bless our little "Want to fix them" hearts. But we are making a problem bigger and in the long run, we won't see the results we want, nor will our job be fun. How can we keep doing what we love, attract Clients that want change and set boundaries? Keep reading.

"It's so empowering to say "This isn't serving me" and walk away in peace."
Anonymous

The Clients that you currently Train; how are they coming along? How long have you been their Trainer? Do they follow your program? Do they constantly have excuses? Have they reached one goal that(I hope)you created with/for them? Do they argue with you? The constant power struggle? Late with payments? If you said yes to all or most of these questions, my question for you is: Why are you still Training them? I can tell you from experience Training people like this is stressful. Ask yourself after the 90-day trial, if there is still no progress, is this Client for me? Let's be honest, a lot of times Trainers will keep Clients because, well, you are getting paid and money buys food! But the long-term is that your Brand is on the line folks. Most of us get our Clients through word of mouth. Their friends see how "Betty" has gotten fit and fabulous, and they want some of the magic, and YOU are the magician they want to hire! Do you think they will be enthusiastic to hire a Trainer that doesn't get results? This is where you must walk away.  This has nothing to do with disliking people. If you are like me, I have liked most of the people I have Trained. But this isn't about like or love, it is about business. 

"The only people who become angry when you set boundaries are the ones who most benefited from you having none."
Anonymous

My first Client, I released after one week.  No joke. It was as if, what I did for a living wasn't taken seriously(though she hired me!) Refusing to be dressed or shoed for our sessions, wanting to talk on the phone during our sessions and not wanting to ever be assessed! I didn't know what to do, I was so new.  I sought out a mature and well-respected Trainer and had a sit down with her. I laid out the situation and she laid into me. That was 15 years ago, and I still remember what she said: "How you feel about yourself and your business, is what you will attract! It's not worth the money if the joy is taken out of doing what you love." When I let this Client go, she cursed me out, and I have been cursed out, for the same thing, three times since. But once the boundaries are set, there is no going back, and that is wonderful. You are on your way to becoming a responsible, caring, self-aware, personal Trainer.

"By doing what you love, you inspire and awaken the hearts of others"

This should also read: "By being true to yourself, you will inspire others."
And they will want to Train with you! Take my word for it. Why? Because you walk the walk, people will notice, and they will come. :) You stopped making this about your ego and released Clients that wanted a therapist,  not a Personal Trainer. You stopped working from a place of fear and scarcity. Figured out that you are a fabulous Trainer, and attracted dedicated, diligent, "I am ready!" Clients. 
When it is all said and done, as long as your best was done, that is what will bring you joy. Keep growing. Never stop learning and love what you do. Wishing you love, peace, but mostly peace.

The Rebuilding

"Only in the shattering can the rebuilding occur."
Barbara Marciniak

Sometimes the word rebuilding sounds exciting. We visualize a fresh start somewhere, new people, new places. We tend to forget that rebuilding usually happens after the building has been burnt down. After the losses are so heavy and devastating that you do feel torn apart; shattered. The last thing anyone is thinking about when going through life altering events is "How am I going to rebuild my life after(insert terrible event)…?" Most of us are just trying to survive the day to day. But I need you to see this another way. I know it's hard. But I want you to try and see past (insert terrible event)to the rebuilding. I want, need, you to see Hope. I gave the word Hope a capital H because it's such a big deal. Hope is the hand that reaches for you in the dark place. Hope is what kept me going when I couldn't dress myself, when I couldn't walk, when the pain became so bad that I felt I couldn't breathe, Hope was there. Hope was there even when I didn't want it to be! There were days that I wanted to give up and other days when I actually did. I would allow myself to roll in despondency. I wouldn't allow myself to think about rebuilding, the fear was too great. Who am I? I would ask, If I am not this? How do we rebuild after the aftermath? 

"Start today by creating a version for yourself, your life, and career. Bounce back from adversity and create what you want, rebuild and rebrand. Tell yourself it's possible along the way, have patience, and maintain peace with yourself during the process."
Germany Kent

"Have patience and maintain peace with yourself" please read that again and say it aloud. It was funny, not in a haha way, but in a sad way, how I could always have patience for others and make peace with others, but never have any for myself. So I had to go back to Hope and through Hope I found patience and through patience I found peace(I think Peace should be capitalized. It's a big deal:) 
We must allow ourselves to be...shattered. We won't die, though sometimes it might feel like it or you might want to in that moment. We aren't weak. We just need time to feel what we need to feel. Give yourself permission to be hurt, in pain, tired, sad. Be patient with yourself while healing. The same words and actions you would use with someone you love if they were having a difficult time...use on yourself! Now make Peace with your situation. Hard, huh? I know. But where there is no inner peace, there can be no rebuilding. Your "foundation" will be cracked. Love who you are now. Your rebranding or rebuilding will be on a solid foundation of Hope, Peace, patience and self-love. That is a strong building! Wishing you Peace and love, but mostly Peace.