When You Are Related To Crazy, Part 3: See Clearly

 "You can't heal in the place that made you sick."

Unknown

Have you made some changes? I need you to know that any adjustment, big or small, is progress. If you have read my other blogs in this series, you know that I know that change is not easy. You will have push back. You will, at times, have shaky legs, but you can survive this. Not only survive but also thrive!  Our goal here is to not constantly rehash the past. It is to see a future where you approve of yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. Let's do some work.

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love"

Karolina Kurkova

Are you safe with yourself? It is an odd question, I know. It is also a question we rarely ask ourselves. We tend to focus on how others treat us, now I want you to look at how you treat yourself. What is your personal love language? Have you created a safe space for yourself to heal?  

"I approve of myself"

"I am safe"

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

Affirm yourself. Affirmations are so important! I can't say it enough or write it enough. Looking outside of ourselves for approval is very dangerous. Why? Happiness comes from within. Self-worth is not found in the crowd, only we can give ourselves that. When we look outside of ourselves for love, caring, approval(especially coming from a dysfunctional family)we put ourselves in situations where we will always work against our self-interests. There is no doubt that this is "moving differently" for a lot of us, but if you have started doing the work, keep going! Be proud for following through and being an advocate for yourself. Say them with me: 

"I approve of myself"

"I am safe"

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

"We ignore seeing the truth for temporary happiness"

But are you happy? It might sound dramatic to some, but when I was still believing I could heal surrounded by the same people who hurt me, I was never happy! In fact, I was resentful and passive-aggressive, these are all facts. When I look back at my younger self, there are no judgments and I don't want you to judge yourself. It takes time and patience with self to clean this up, give yourself this gift. I won't give you too much homework to do! Start with the affirmations, create your boundaries, incorporate deep breathing throughout your day, and be ready for your healing. See and speak your truth because you are worthy! Remember: "We are only as blind as we want to be." Maya Angelou and when you want to heal, the truth ain't pretty most times, but it will set you free. 

Repeat after me: 

"I approve of myself" 

"I am safe" 

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

 Wishing you all love and peace, but mostly peace! 

When You Are Related To Crazy Pt. 2: Boundaries and Why You Need Them!

 "Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it."

If it was easy, everyone would do it. I'm talking about creating and being committed to keeping boundaries. Setting boundaries is hard, there is no question about it. It is especially hard when you have been raised in dysfunction. But the fact that you are reading this, and have probably made some moves to heal, means you are ready for the next phase: Creating The List. What's "The List?" you might ask. Let's go! 

"Cutting people from my life doesn't mean I hate them. It means I respect myself." 

Who are we without our families? It is a question some of us have asked when we have allowed ourselves to question the behaviors and actions of family members. When we allow ourselves to see clearly. Ignorance and "blindness" can be blissful...until they aren't. Do you know who you are without your family? Are the roots of familial dysfunction so deep, that you can't dig your way out? I need you to sit down, with a pen and paper and think. Close your eyes, take deep cleansing breaths, and with clarity, start writing a list:

1.Who hurt you? Still keeping it within the family unit.

2. How old were you?

3. How it made you feel.

4. How did it change the trajectory of your life? In connection to feeling, trusting, loving, how you interact with others. How do you feel about yourself? 

5. Are these people still in your life? 

I need you to know, this list is not a one-day assignment. The more memories you allow to surface, the longer the list will become, and that is great! It's called the clean up for a reason. Now that you have your list, what do you do? Start from the top of the list. Why? There was a reason why this person is number #1! Allow yourself to remember. It's okay, you are brave, you can do this! Write down how you feel when thinking of them at this age. What do you get from the interaction with them? Is the relationship healthy? Remember, you are worthy and so are your feelings. There is no shame here...write it all out. Where do you go from here? 

"NO! Is NOT a curse word!"

The moment I learned to feel the word no, the game changed. I say feel because we all start saying no around the age of two. Toddlers are every parent's nightmare because of that one word, "NO!" said/screamed with gusto! When do we forget we have the right to say NO! to what doesn't serve us? No is an instant boundary. No, said with assertion, is a beautiful thing to behold. A face to face conversation might not be in the mix, for now, so here are a few tips:

1. Write them a letter or send an email. I don't recommend texting.

2. Always value yourself and your time. You are important and should be treated well. 

3. Do what is best for you. When you finally say no to all of the drama, you do not have to explain why. 

4. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a confrontation. Be direct without being confrontational. Keep the focus on your needs, even if they don't get it. This is for you! 

5. Create a list of coping skills and strategies. How do you learn coping skills? By knowing your triggers. We all have them.  

6. Step away. There should be no guilt connected in saying I have had enough. There is also no time limit to healing. Again, do what is best for you.  

"Toxic people will make you feel like you're holding a grudge. No, dude. That's a boundary."

I love that quote! But let me tell you something when you start to approve of yourself, you will be amazed as to how your life will change. It all comes down to self-worth. You have the power as to who you want in your space. Affirm: "I approve of myself" every chance you get. Are you able to look into a mirror and say it to yourself? I know it sounds crazy, but try it...can you do it? If not, that is part of the assignment(I love giving assignments!:).  There is a wonderful quote from Lalah Deliah that reads "She remembered who she was and the game changed." Remember who you are. Wishing you love and peace, but mostly peace. 

When You Are Related To Crazy Pt. 1 The Disengagement

 "Love didn't hurt you. Someone who doesn't know how to love hurt you. Don't confuse the two." 

Steve Maraboli

This is a blog for healing. I don't write it to revisit pain; physical or mental. Because as you probably already know, mental pain will manifest into physical pain. So I don't need to write about that. You also know your own story of dysfunction and a considerable amount of mine, so I don't need to delve into that again. This is the "How To" blog. I am writing this in segments. The first being about disengagement. This is a big deal. You know why? What you are saying, is that you choose you. That you are willing and able to stand alone. How to start: 

1. Affirm, every day, that you approve of yourself and your decisions. You are to say this out loud to yourself as many times a day as possible. It will seem weird and crazy...but you've dealt with worse kinds of crazy so this ain't bad at all! 

2. Remember, salt and sugar look the same, so be careful who you trust and allow into your personal space. You must use discernment and trust what your physical eyes and mental intuition are telling you. Ask yourself: How do I feel when I am with this person or these people? Would I be friends with them if I wasn't related to them? Was there physical, mental, or sexual abuse in this relationship? If the answer is yes to one or all, have you healed? Did you receive counseling? If not; please do! There is no healing if you are in denial and fraternizing with someone who is toxic. 

3. Love doesn't hurt. When you are raised in toxicity, you will find that you attract toxic people. No, I know you don't mean to, none of us do. Once you make the leap to filter out the toxic family members, the next step is to sift and shed the "friends" connected to those toxic family members. Ask yourself these questions: Why are they still here? What am I getting from this/these relationships? Is holding on to them a way for me to hold on to the toxic family members? Is there love, mutual upbuilding, laughter? 

4. Forgiveness is freedom. Disengagement should(if possible)not be done from a place of hatred. Why? You will always go back. As the song says "It's a thin line between love and hate." Hating doesn't allow for clear thinking. It is hard to see through the haze of hatred. Believe me, I have been there, which is why I can tell you that you will go back. Once your self-approval rating goes up and you are being "rebuilt" on a foundation of love, the healing has started. You won't have much time for hate. 

"I am mine.

Before I am ever anyone else's."

-in

I need you to remember something.

Disengaging takes time. It is a work in progress!

Please do not be hard on yourself, if you find yourself in the company of people that have caused you pain. 

You are yours first. You have to live in your body, with your own thoughts and memories. It is your divine right to be at peace with all three of those. Happiness is available and so is love...they live inside of you. Wishing you peace and love...But mostly Peace. 

Let The Hoe Be Your Friend...Garden!

"In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."

M. Atwood

Can you believe I used to be "That Girl?" The Girl that did not, no matter what, go outside. I had a dislike for most activities done outside, except playing Baseball with my cousins. I remember my mother going through her earthy, crunchy faze when we lived in Oregon and I was forced( yeah, I use dramatic language like that!:)to camp, fish and actually eat food outside! I shudder to remember it. For years, for me, outside equaled bugs and dirt. I never understood the whole walking barefoot thing! Not even in your own backyard. And what is that in your hand? A Spade? What does it do? When I had children, I would take them to the park, beach, walking and then rush home to wash that dirty outside off of them😀! Just a little germaphobia going on. Don't be afraid. What changed my twisted attitude? Life. 

"Never underestimate the healing power of a quiet moment in the garden."

I was sick. So sick my Body was stripped of its strength and vitality. So sick that I couldn't move, physically or mentally. I was scared and sad and all those other adjectives that mean sick/sad/scared(those are a lot of S's!)and I was succumbing to that deep abyss of depression and anger. For a long time I couldn't make it down the stairs to get outside. But when I could, my Eldest daughter, gently, suggested I go outside to get some Vitamin D. "Sit, Mama" She said. "The Sun will help you feel better." And it did. Then I looked at my front yard and I got this crazy idea to have a big Wildflower patch. See, I had tried this before, but like I explained to you in the beginning, Dawn don't do outside. My idea of "gardening" was boxes of Wildflower mixes that you buy from Family Dollar, a glass of champagne in one hand, and toss the seeds all over, give em' a Texas burial, done. I was serious this time. I had a goal. I had a purpose. 

"If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need."

I can't agree with this more. 

I used to listen to people talk about gardening and the look on their faces was always of peace. I understood the feeling, but I had never found it outside. My places of peace was always the gym or the library. Now I get it. I step outside and whatever angst I was feeling, gone. I used a hoe for the first time in my life this Summer! One of my Clients(a FABULOUS Gardener herself!)taught me. My Ex-husband looked at me with hoe in hand, floppy sun hat on, and said "It's official, YOU are old!" I had just enough time to tell him to shut-up before I got back to weeding. Peace reigns supreme when surrounded by nature. Me and the bugs understand each other. They stay off of me, thanks to Bounce sheets and OFF and I stay respectful and don't kill them in their home. Pruning(yeah, I say words like that now:), I disturbed a deep green spider. It took my breath away. Gardening requires patience, not one of my strong points, but I have gotten so much better. There is healing in patience and kindness. There is healing in just sitting outside with your own thoughts, allowing the beauty of nature to wash over you. There is healing. Wishing you all love and peace...but mostly, Peace. 

But Did You Die? A Love Story

"But Did You Die?"

I bought a t-shirt with this slogan on it. It's a Personal Trainer type question. One that we will ask a Client that is griping and groaning about the hard workout that we just gave them. With sarcasm and a little bit of derision, we will ask "But did you die?." No? Then keep moving!" I really started to think about this saying. I mean I had to sit and really think(I used all of my brain cells!)about it...this applies to so many things in life. This question is deeper than I thought. Take a moment with me. Take a moment to think about all of the times in your life when you thought the pain of whatever you were going through was going to actually kill you. It isn't dramatic at all. Heartache, depression, desperation, loneliness, deep disappointment, physical pain, all of these things can have any one of us feeling as if we would want to die. It isn't a comfortable conversation, but it's real. But we didn't. We didn't die. We are here to tell the tale. So, let's tell it. 

"Life is a gift. Wake up every day and realize that."

There are levels of heartache, I realized this young. There is the heartache of young love. When you believe there is no other love like yours. Your love could start fires that could never be put out. Just because you are young, doesn't mean that your love isn't real, but it is usually fleeting. Then there is the pain of betrayal, familial or romantic and the pain cuts right through you. You don't want the Sun to shine or flowers to grow. Stop the World! The pain of divorce I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I mean that. There is the pain of realizing that you aren't the person you thought you were and they sure ain't the person you thought they were! STOP THE WORLD! Then the heartbreaking pain of loss from the great equalizer: Death. Death doesn't give a WHAT! Death doesn't care how much money you have, what ethnicity you are, if you have a good job, blah, blah, blah. When my mother was dying, I told myself that if she were to die, so would I. Now mind you, I was newly married with our first child on the way. I had a lot to live for. If my Mama would have known what I was thinking, she would have disowned me. Her very words, always, were "You get one life, go live!." Even in pain, life is a gift. Do you feel it? Do you see your gift? 

"You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life you are excited about. Don't let others make you forget that."

You can't change how people feel about you. You can't change how people behave. But you can change how you react. You can change how you view your life. When I tell you I fell in love with myself, I am not yanking your chain. It is a true statement. And through my love, I found my self-worth. And through my self-worth, I found my desire to be happy. I realized that I actually deserve happiness. I didn't die from all of the pain. I needed to live to tell you the tale of the "Getting Over: The story of Hope and Joy." I just made that up by the way. You can use it if you like. :) It's a story that is still going on! YOU deserve happiness. You deserve to be excited every day about what's coming next. Heartbreak will happen in all its forms, that's life at work. As Rocky Balboa said(I love Rocky!) "Nothin' hits harder than life." And we shall take that hit and get up saying, I absolutely love life! I absolutely love me! And I didn't die! :) Wishing you love and peace! But mostly, Peace. 

So You're The One?

So you're the one?
The one who threatens and slanders. 
The one who hides behind false masculinity 
While your weakness seethes.
So you're the one who hates Women?
Oh! I know you'll deny it,
You'll never admit it! 
But your actions speak loudly and differently.

I know the pimp is your mascot.
I see how you admire the fist connecting to a Black woman's face.
I hear you dismiss the violation, the death of...
Bodies
Spirits
Souls
I see you curse Women
Do you see your Mother in her face?
I hear you use the word Female as if it's a slur
"Those feee-mallles" 
"These Feeee-mmallless..."
You say it with a lip curl and sneer.
You, who hide behind gang signs and governments
Legal or illegal
What's the difference?
When you have made it your job to subjugate
violate
denigrate
dismiss
Do you know you're weak?
Who are you without Me?
Weak.