Hey! I'm Human.

I have come to realize, maybe late, that it is okay to have hurt feelings. It is also okay to feel disappointment. Neither one will kill you, they just hurt, sometimes badly.  I won't lie to you; I don't like being wrong(who does!?) but I really don't like being wrong about people and their intentions toward me. But lately, I have been having a lot of hit and misses with people in my personal life, as far as gauging what the signals are that are being thrown at me. My personal "intention compass" is off and I find myself frustrated and upset with people and myself. Why am I upset with myself? For caring. For being hurt. For Loving and being disappointed. Sometimes as humans, we forget that we are just that, Human. Not an unfeeling robot, but human. So once I allow myself to hurt and acknowledge the fact that I am not Super Woman, I will let this go. That's the hardest part isn't it? The letting go. Well we all know the saying: "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.. by the way, I dislike that saying! :)
Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

HEY! Fat Girl!

Being a fat kid is hard. Being a fat girl in this society, is even harder. I was the fat girl and I remember, no matter how hard I try to forget, all the slights and name calling that was thrown my way. Not by strangers, but family. Now I have written about this before, but a conversation I had last week with a young lady prompted me to remember and I got PISSED! Who do these people think they are? You would think that being family that they would not say hurtful things to you, that they would look after your emotional and physical well-being. Not always the case I see. Everyone talks about bullying in the schools, they have whole commercials and talk shows dedicated to the subject. They talk about how being different is okay; different ethnically, sexually, etc. and that is wonderful. But I swear I have never seen or heard anyone talk about being the fat girl in school or being totally, emotionally whipped by family. Now, I am not saying that they don't have something out there that addresses this, I have just never seen it.  Then I wonder about the parents that allow siblings to pick on and humiliate other siblings, why don't they stop it? Some excuse it as sibling rivalry, really?! How is being called a fat bitch by your own brother sibling rivalry? Tubby, whale, elephant, tub-a-lard, I could go on, I have a slew of them. As I was talking to this girl and seeing her hurt, and hearing her hurt, my heart went out to her. No one can hurt you like family and we can't control who we are related to. But she understood that this IS a form of bullying and it isn't normal nor should you get used to such bad behavior. Our job as parents and family members is to teach all of our children that they are special. That's it. It shouldn't be a hard job! Not to allow one child to belittle another. That's it. Is this so hard? When we don't help our children love themselves that is a recipe for disaster. Have we all not watched enough Oprah and Dr. Phil shows to know what happens to kids with low self-esteem? We have to do better parents! Pay attention to what is going on in your homes. Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

Forgiven and Forgotten

Besides me trying to be the most positive person EVER! I have really been working on forgiveness. Oh Yes, the F-word.  Holy Crap! it's hard.  I read a book that requests that you list all of the people that have crossed you, every last one, then write how they have wronged you. You will be amazed at how long this list can get. Then, when you have done all of this, here is the kicker: YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM! Incredibly difficult and mind blowing. Why? Because as you are writing all of this stuff down, you start to notice a pattern in your behavior and in your interactions with other people. If you are willing to recognize it for what it is, great change can happen for you! There can be no excuses, because the Truth will be staring you right in the face, all in black and white. The questions I started asking myself, once I noticed my patterns were: 1. Why did I attract these particular people into my life( Family we can do absolutely nothing about.. sorry!)?  2. Why did I allow myself to be treated in such a way( and it IS an allowing) 3. What did I get out of it? If anything.  4. What did I learn? If anything. 
Sometimes I don't know if the lesson learned is meant to be big or small, but usually it is painful(let's not lie) and so we, I, better learn it and not repeat! Well, I have repeated a few mistakes, I ain't perfect people! And the sick thing is; I KNEW they were mistakes. Oh well, I had to be totally sure. Guess what? that's okay, our world won't end, but our perspective will change. Hopefully to gain better judgement and clearer vision.  Forgiveness gives us all of that believe it or not.  When we don't forgive we are in a constant state of "pissed off" syndrome.  Sometimes we don't even know it or show it, but we are seething inside. Resentments, grudges, small and big hurts, anger, all of them sitting there ready to send us straight to the E.R. Forgive and let go. I don't mean forgive and then have picnics with everyone on your list, forgiveness is for you. Do you know how many people I have forgiven and don't see? Of course you don't know! just know it's a lot. But I don't harbor any ill will toward them. I wish them well and I also wish not to ever need to be in their presence again. That is the letting go part. I guess my point is; even in these tumultuous times we can have happiness. Isn't that a better choice? Why hold on to memories, situations or even people that keep you from this happiness and peace? Forgive and let go so you can reach the next level called: "I'm done and moving on." But that is in my next blog:)
Wishing you love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Parenting sucks OR Watch what you say!

Being a parent is hard, with or without support, it's hard.  Understatement of the year right? Even when you believe you have done a fantastic job or at least fifty times better than your parent(s), you messed up somewhere. I was going through what I thought was my daughters recipe book (Really! I did!)it was something she wrote some years ago regarding a conversation I had with her when she was seven.  I was appalled.  Not that it was cruel or spiteful, but the wording that I used was too soon and too grown for a seven year old.  Words that could easily be taken out of context and to the ears and mind of a seven year old, just harsh. Words meant to bolster self-esteem and "awareness" undermined her self-confidence and made her question her ideas about herself.  As I read, I became so ashamed and I just wanted to rip the page out of the book! Maybe if it wasn't in the book, she wouldn't remember? Not that easy huh? That was my pride and ego talking and I left the page intact. What's funny is that I remember those same words being said to me by my mother. Does the cycle ever end? At some point, if you love your children, you will break it. With time we mature and so do our parenting skills(hopefully) I was a different person back then. Self-awareness was an unknown place for me. This Dawn would have chosen better words; clear and thought out. I can't take back the words nor can I magically erase bad memories of me from my children's minds. But everyday I work hard to be a better Human and a better parent. I have, as we all do, that power.  

So let me tell you...

I was told recently that I don't know how it feels to be overweight, that I am not compassionate enough. I stopped what I was doing and just stared at this person, I am sure they thought I had lost my mind. For a moment I might have, seeing that I couldn't get the words together, or decent words together to express what I wanted to say without swearing! So I had to break things down and let this person know a little bit about me. I was the fat kid growing up. I was the fat woman and good thing I was married to a man that loved me and big women, cause I was also the fat wife. Like most overweight kids, I was teased and tormented, mostly by family. I played at losing weight and did the yo-yo thing for some years. I topped off at 225 lbs. and didn't see it at all. I mean that, I gained and didn't see it. It was as if I had woken up and there it was and for the first time my eyes opened and BOOM! there it is. I hear a lot of people say that; that one day they just woke up...and took notice.  Scary isn't it? How we just live our lives unaware of our OWN bodies. In regards to me not being compassionate: Compassion is shown by telling the Truth.  Lies kill. I believe that with all of my heart and soul. I lied to myself for years about a lot of things and as I refused to see the truth, I kept gaining weight. If I would have kept going in that vein I would still be huge and in a perpetual state of head in the sand. Suffocating and done. I showed myself compassion and respect by telling myself, finally, the truth. And when Truth showed up, weight went away. By me being honest with myself, I can be honest with others. One of the things I stopped doing was allowing myself excuses as to why I couldn't get the weight to stay off. I don't abide excuses from Clients, because I don't allow any from myself. I can give you a list of excuses I have heard from my feet hurt to I am an "emotional /Stress eater, my back hurts(yes! so did mine. Because I was FAT!) I could go on, but why? We all need to get to the point where we own our crap. Do you understand what I am saying here? Own how we will try and sometimes do sabotage ourselves. Own it, recognize it for what it is, a load of crap, and move on! My truth is mine and yours is yours, but it is still the truth. So let me tell you, it isn't easy being totally honest with myself. There are days where I kind of miss the sand, and then I remember that prison of fat and I face forward and fly right and true. And the moral of this blog: That Truth really does set you free. Wishing you peace and love, but mostly Peace. 

Play on Playa!

This is a true story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent... and the not so innocent.  On Mothers Day I received a text from someone I used to date. Not anything special, just a "Have a happy Mother's Day" and wishing me well.  I didn't think much of it, until I started getting responses from unidentified numbers.  I just assumed that these women were relatives of his. No problem. Two days later, I receive a text from an unidentified number, again! Asking the question " Are you at work?" by the "tone" I knew this was an intimate question and I most certainly knew it wasn't meant for me. The response, when it came, was "Yeah, what's going on?" Sounds innocent enough, right? Well obviously by all of the irate responses to this most innocent text, a lot of the ladies on that thread from Mothers Day didn't think so! Mr. "think things through" Mr. TTT for short, had created and sent a text thread to all of his past and present romantic dalliances. And there were a lot! Women, via text, were asking names, dates and pictures! The plot thickens; there was a sister and sister in-law who confronted each other, via text. There was anger and hurt from these women and from him....silence.  I read these texts and wrote nothing, my relationship with this person wasn't deep enough to be angry at him. But I finally wrote something to him when I realized how hurt some of these women were. I called him messy and did thank him for the giggle. That must have been all he could take because he decided to send the text that read something like this: "I think all of you are acting real (insert swear word) right now! I was only trying to be nice and send all of you a happy Mothers day wish. Now, could someone please help me figure out how to stop texting all of you!" Really? Did you just point the finger at the people you hurt? Typical player move. And at some level he is right. We ARE responsible for who we bring into our lives. Though I understood the women being upset, I couldn't believe that they ever took this man seriously! The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he liked to play and I was ready for the game, but that was it. He has "Player" tattooed on his arm for goodness sake! When people show you who they are, PAY ATTENTION! They aren't lying to you, you are lying to yourself.  I think this was a good thing that happened, a wake up call if you will. They needed to wake up and he needs to learn how to live up to that tattoo. Player my eye! Let me give you a few Player tips:  1. A real player wouldn't have created a thread in the first place. Technology can mess up a players game. 2. Never, and I mean NEVER have two of your fish in the same pond. In other words make sure your women/men live in different towns/cities.  3. If you are dealing with more then one person and you have a hard time remembering names. Use terms of endearment like honey, baby, etc. 4. Players own up to nothing...except to the one he/she wants to keep. They will play sorry for you, and will mean it at the moment. But a player is a player and must Play. Don't get it twisted and think you have changed them. Like I always say, I only talk about what I know, I have played and been played on and after a while the "game" gets old. As Ms. Angelou said "When you know better, you do better."  Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace

The Break

I found myself with nothing to say. Nothing to expound on or even a minor rant. What was the matter with me!? I usually have a few witty words, a comment, even a grunt; but nothing. I have been this way for two weeks, no words to write or an opinion to share. I found myself in "my head" a lot. Not so much ignoring everything around me, because I try not to do that, but just being silent with my words, being still. Growing up, I remember my Mama telling me "Silence is Golden" that was her southern way of telling me to shut-up. Now I get it! Silence IS golden, more for me than for anyone else. While I have been silent, taking a break from trying to be in the conversation, just letting them happen; I have found that it is a certain freedom. I am not responsible for keeping conversations going, I am not responsible for other peoples words and actions, freedom. To sit in silence with your own thoughts is actually a luxury. We are a society that is overstimulated with everything. Every moment seems to be in overdrive, this hyper kinetic activity that sometimes puts my nerves on edge. Silence! Peace, be still. These moments of silence helped me organize my thoughts. Not just organize, but recreate and buffer. What I mean by "buffering" my thoughts is that I shined up some of my thinking and cleaned out those thought processes that I felt weren't working for me anymore. They say you are what you eat, but you are also what you believe and what you tell yourself. So I sat still with my thoughts, I sat still with... Myself. Who knew it could be done?! I recommend that everyone do this. Take moments to be still, silent, taking a break from  IT all. This is why I wish you Love and Peace, but mostly Peace. You can't buy it or sell it, but you CAN create it.