Forgiven and Forgotten

Besides me trying to be the most positive person EVER! I have really been working on forgiveness. Oh Yes, the F-word.  Holy Crap! it's hard.  I read a book that requests that you list all of the people that have crossed you, every last one, then write how they have wronged you. You will be amazed at how long this list can get. Then, when you have done all of this, here is the kicker: YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM! Incredibly difficult and mind blowing. Why? Because as you are writing all of this stuff down, you start to notice a pattern in your behavior and in your interactions with other people. If you are willing to recognize it for what it is, great change can happen for you! There can be no excuses, because the Truth will be staring you right in the face, all in black and white. The questions I started asking myself, once I noticed my patterns were: 1. Why did I attract these particular people into my life( Family we can do absolutely nothing about.. sorry!)?  2. Why did I allow myself to be treated in such a way( and it IS an allowing) 3. What did I get out of it? If anything.  4. What did I learn? If anything. 
Sometimes I don't know if the lesson learned is meant to be big or small, but usually it is painful(let's not lie) and so we, I, better learn it and not repeat! Well, I have repeated a few mistakes, I ain't perfect people! And the sick thing is; I KNEW they were mistakes. Oh well, I had to be totally sure. Guess what? that's okay, our world won't end, but our perspective will change. Hopefully to gain better judgement and clearer vision.  Forgiveness gives us all of that believe it or not.  When we don't forgive we are in a constant state of "pissed off" syndrome.  Sometimes we don't even know it or show it, but we are seething inside. Resentments, grudges, small and big hurts, anger, all of them sitting there ready to send us straight to the E.R. Forgive and let go. I don't mean forgive and then have picnics with everyone on your list, forgiveness is for you. Do you know how many people I have forgiven and don't see? Of course you don't know! just know it's a lot. But I don't harbor any ill will toward them. I wish them well and I also wish not to ever need to be in their presence again. That is the letting go part. I guess my point is; even in these tumultuous times we can have happiness. Isn't that a better choice? Why hold on to memories, situations or even people that keep you from this happiness and peace? Forgive and let go so you can reach the next level called: "I'm done and moving on." But that is in my next blog:)
Wishing you love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Parenting sucks OR Watch what you say!

Being a parent is hard, with or without support, it's hard.  Understatement of the year right? Even when you believe you have done a fantastic job or at least fifty times better than your parent(s), you messed up somewhere. I was going through what I thought was my daughters recipe book (Really! I did!)it was something she wrote some years ago regarding a conversation I had with her when she was seven.  I was appalled.  Not that it was cruel or spiteful, but the wording that I used was too soon and too grown for a seven year old.  Words that could easily be taken out of context and to the ears and mind of a seven year old, just harsh. Words meant to bolster self-esteem and "awareness" undermined her self-confidence and made her question her ideas about herself.  As I read, I became so ashamed and I just wanted to rip the page out of the book! Maybe if it wasn't in the book, she wouldn't remember? Not that easy huh? That was my pride and ego talking and I left the page intact. What's funny is that I remember those same words being said to me by my mother. Does the cycle ever end? At some point, if you love your children, you will break it. With time we mature and so do our parenting skills(hopefully) I was a different person back then. Self-awareness was an unknown place for me. This Dawn would have chosen better words; clear and thought out. I can't take back the words nor can I magically erase bad memories of me from my children's minds. But everyday I work hard to be a better Human and a better parent. I have, as we all do, that power.  

So let me tell you...

I was told recently that I don't know how it feels to be overweight, that I am not compassionate enough. I stopped what I was doing and just stared at this person, I am sure they thought I had lost my mind. For a moment I might have, seeing that I couldn't get the words together, or decent words together to express what I wanted to say without swearing! So I had to break things down and let this person know a little bit about me. I was the fat kid growing up. I was the fat woman and good thing I was married to a man that loved me and big women, cause I was also the fat wife. Like most overweight kids, I was teased and tormented, mostly by family. I played at losing weight and did the yo-yo thing for some years. I topped off at 225 lbs. and didn't see it at all. I mean that, I gained and didn't see it. It was as if I had woken up and there it was and for the first time my eyes opened and BOOM! there it is. I hear a lot of people say that; that one day they just woke up...and took notice.  Scary isn't it? How we just live our lives unaware of our OWN bodies. In regards to me not being compassionate: Compassion is shown by telling the Truth.  Lies kill. I believe that with all of my heart and soul. I lied to myself for years about a lot of things and as I refused to see the truth, I kept gaining weight. If I would have kept going in that vein I would still be huge and in a perpetual state of head in the sand. Suffocating and done. I showed myself compassion and respect by telling myself, finally, the truth. And when Truth showed up, weight went away. By me being honest with myself, I can be honest with others. One of the things I stopped doing was allowing myself excuses as to why I couldn't get the weight to stay off. I don't abide excuses from Clients, because I don't allow any from myself. I can give you a list of excuses I have heard from my feet hurt to I am an "emotional /Stress eater, my back hurts(yes! so did mine. Because I was FAT!) I could go on, but why? We all need to get to the point where we own our crap. Do you understand what I am saying here? Own how we will try and sometimes do sabotage ourselves. Own it, recognize it for what it is, a load of crap, and move on! My truth is mine and yours is yours, but it is still the truth. So let me tell you, it isn't easy being totally honest with myself. There are days where I kind of miss the sand, and then I remember that prison of fat and I face forward and fly right and true. And the moral of this blog: That Truth really does set you free. Wishing you peace and love, but mostly Peace. 

Play on Playa!

This is a true story. Names have been changed to protect the innocent... and the not so innocent.  On Mothers Day I received a text from someone I used to date. Not anything special, just a "Have a happy Mother's Day" and wishing me well.  I didn't think much of it, until I started getting responses from unidentified numbers.  I just assumed that these women were relatives of his. No problem. Two days later, I receive a text from an unidentified number, again! Asking the question " Are you at work?" by the "tone" I knew this was an intimate question and I most certainly knew it wasn't meant for me. The response, when it came, was "Yeah, what's going on?" Sounds innocent enough, right? Well obviously by all of the irate responses to this most innocent text, a lot of the ladies on that thread from Mothers Day didn't think so! Mr. "think things through" Mr. TTT for short, had created and sent a text thread to all of his past and present romantic dalliances. And there were a lot! Women, via text, were asking names, dates and pictures! The plot thickens; there was a sister and sister in-law who confronted each other, via text. There was anger and hurt from these women and from him....silence.  I read these texts and wrote nothing, my relationship with this person wasn't deep enough to be angry at him. But I finally wrote something to him when I realized how hurt some of these women were. I called him messy and did thank him for the giggle. That must have been all he could take because he decided to send the text that read something like this: "I think all of you are acting real (insert swear word) right now! I was only trying to be nice and send all of you a happy Mothers day wish. Now, could someone please help me figure out how to stop texting all of you!" Really? Did you just point the finger at the people you hurt? Typical player move. And at some level he is right. We ARE responsible for who we bring into our lives. Though I understood the women being upset, I couldn't believe that they ever took this man seriously! The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew he liked to play and I was ready for the game, but that was it. He has "Player" tattooed on his arm for goodness sake! When people show you who they are, PAY ATTENTION! They aren't lying to you, you are lying to yourself.  I think this was a good thing that happened, a wake up call if you will. They needed to wake up and he needs to learn how to live up to that tattoo. Player my eye! Let me give you a few Player tips:  1. A real player wouldn't have created a thread in the first place. Technology can mess up a players game. 2. Never, and I mean NEVER have two of your fish in the same pond. In other words make sure your women/men live in different towns/cities.  3. If you are dealing with more then one person and you have a hard time remembering names. Use terms of endearment like honey, baby, etc. 4. Players own up to nothing...except to the one he/she wants to keep. They will play sorry for you, and will mean it at the moment. But a player is a player and must Play. Don't get it twisted and think you have changed them. Like I always say, I only talk about what I know, I have played and been played on and after a while the "game" gets old. As Ms. Angelou said "When you know better, you do better."  Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace

The Break

I found myself with nothing to say. Nothing to expound on or even a minor rant. What was the matter with me!? I usually have a few witty words, a comment, even a grunt; but nothing. I have been this way for two weeks, no words to write or an opinion to share. I found myself in "my head" a lot. Not so much ignoring everything around me, because I try not to do that, but just being silent with my words, being still. Growing up, I remember my Mama telling me "Silence is Golden" that was her southern way of telling me to shut-up. Now I get it! Silence IS golden, more for me than for anyone else. While I have been silent, taking a break from trying to be in the conversation, just letting them happen; I have found that it is a certain freedom. I am not responsible for keeping conversations going, I am not responsible for other peoples words and actions, freedom. To sit in silence with your own thoughts is actually a luxury. We are a society that is overstimulated with everything. Every moment seems to be in overdrive, this hyper kinetic activity that sometimes puts my nerves on edge. Silence! Peace, be still. These moments of silence helped me organize my thoughts. Not just organize, but recreate and buffer. What I mean by "buffering" my thoughts is that I shined up some of my thinking and cleaned out those thought processes that I felt weren't working for me anymore. They say you are what you eat, but you are also what you believe and what you tell yourself. So I sat still with my thoughts, I sat still with... Myself. Who knew it could be done?! I recommend that everyone do this. Take moments to be still, silent, taking a break from  IT all. This is why I wish you Love and Peace, but mostly Peace. You can't buy it or sell it, but you CAN create it. 

The Week in Review

It was one of those "mixed bag" weeks, too busy and yet, not busy enough.  A week where I felt I was on point in my career, but in my personal life.. things are lacking. The thing that stands out the most was the death of someone I have known since I was fifteen years old. She was a lovely woman who struggled with her weight ever since I have known her. She went from being big to huge to massive. Unable to walk, let alone stand, she was placed in a convalescence home. Her family couldn't take care of her anymore. She died of complications due to morbid obesity. Some ask: "How do you allow yourself to get this big?" My answer: Real easy! Just don't move! Eat all you want, whenever you want, don't deal with personal issues and don't move one muscle. There is your recipe for disaster. I can't imagine what type of mental anguish someone who has gotten this large is going through. The physical is easy to see, it's in your face, but how do you deal with the mental if no one says anything? What kind of help can you offer if you don't know? All we see is them getting larger and slowly killing themselves. I think you have to deal with them in the same way you deal with anyone else with an addiction; confront and intervene. Something has to be done with the obesity issue in this country. Research is showing that obesity is now or on the way, to beating Cancer as the number one cause of death. How did we get here? I do believe and have always asserted that this is more a mental issue that has turned into a physical issue. I am no doctor, but I have been over one hundred pounds overweight and understand the thought processes that can create this slow death cycle. It's going to take family and friends and a whole lot of saying ENOUGH! to stop loved ones from hurting themselves with food. It is a hard, long journey that can be won. 
Peace

Can we get Happy?

"We live in a cynical world"... that is really my favorite line from the movie "Jerry Maguire" because it is true.  As we go to our business day to day, do you feel that sometimes there is an overwhelming level of cynicism? Of making things that are good bad, and what is bad, good? One of my friends described it as "treading through filthy water" that is how she feels about all of the negativity that seems to be so pervasive in our society at large.  Finding and keeping a positive outlook can be hard and sometimes you want to join the masses of cynics; but don't. Remember, everyone is responding differently to their own life experiences, they have nothing to do with you. How you take on life, how you respond to situations and how you treat your body and your mind is up to you. Cynicism is a form of distrust, which means there is no faith and no peace, then unhappiness rules. How tiring! I was once a cynical person( or tried to be) it didn't work well for me. Even in my misery, I had faith or at least a form of it. I couldn't let go of hope for total despair. I had to believe everyday that there was a reason for me to be here, for me to get up in the morning. So the cynic club kicked me out... I survived the expulsion. Have you noticed that cynical people are usually very critical as well? Pick, pick, pick is the name of their game and they are good at it. Take the time to look beyond what you see and hear and notice the very insecure person running their mouth. I always say that happiness is a choice, most things are. Being around such people will kill your happiness buzz and there is nothing worse than a buzz kill. Happiness is a choice. I can't say it enough and I have said it a lot. I DO stay away from the negativity that some chose to projectile vomit. I DO work to stay happy, without denying when I am in a bad mood; they happen. But I don't go looking to be in a bad mood or have something bad to say. Here is one more thing: Cynicism is not cool. Those people that sit in dark restaurants with sunglasses on and talk but don't move their lips and seem to have a bad review for everything. Well, they might think that is cool behavior, but I beg to differ. It is boring and sad. Choose happiness.