Pieces

 "And you give yourself away...and you give yourself away...

And you give.

And you give."

"With or Without You"

U2

Sometimes we have been broken into pieces.

Sometimes we have been broken into pieces and don't know how to put ourselves back together.

We can get used to being this broken thing.

It is almost as if we find "comfort" in the brokenness. 

So much so, that when we have moments of inner peace, 

we give ourselves over to drama.

We will give ourselves away to the undeserving. 

To the ungrateful.

We give in and to the brokenness. 

"Sit down.

Breathe."

Me

We are in charge of this miracle called breathing.

How fast or slow we breathe is up to us. 

We control this.

Think about that. 

It is amazing to me that we have all of this control over our bodies but feel we can't control our thoughts and feelings! 

Sit down with yourself.

Sift through the broken pieces.

One by one. 

Decide which ones you are ready to mend.

Visualize creating a new picture of yourself(possibly in canvas instead of glass? :). 

Which pieces, at this moment, are you ready to burn(all figurative! You all don't be burning down stuff for real:)? 

"It is better to live as a broken piece of Jade than to live as useless clay."

Bruce Lee 

Jade is beautiful. 

Even broken, the deepness of the green, the calmness you feel looking at it, and the smoothness of the stone can bring you peace. 

This is you.

Perfect, in your imperfection. 

Possibly a little broken, a little bruised.

Yet and still, beautiful.

What you create from these broken parts is up to you.

That is true power.

You are the Artist of your life.

Take the broken parts, the ones you choose and create something beautiful.

"Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew."

Lauren DeStefano

I want you to know, it took me years to use the word broken in connection to myself or anyone else.

The idea of being broken offended me. 

I took it as an insult and the questioning of my mental fortitude.

I was also in denial.

It's okay to laugh, I do. 

With time, acceptance, and the willingness to sit with the brokenness, I realized that we don't have to stay broken.

Some days will be harder than others.

That's alright, you got this!

Sit.

Breathe.

Sift through the pieces, one by one.

The hardest part is over.

You owned your brokenness.

Now, come on Humpty, let's put you back together. 

Wishing you peace and love, but mostly...Peace. 

Decide.

 “WHAT I'M TELLING YOU IS, IF YOU WANT TO DO THINGS YOUR OWN WAY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION - YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A LITTLE COURAGE.”

― John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany

It takes courage to make decisions.

You won't always have people rah-rah-ing you or high fiving you at the finish line. 

Especially when it involves self-care.

And that is okay. 

Do you slap yourself on the shoulder every so often and give yourself the nod of approval? 

Well, you should!

We, as ever-changing Humans, can be our worst critics and our biggest heroes. 

Be your hero. 

"Sometimes, you're all you have" -

and sometimes that's all you need.

Anonymous

The last four months have been...interesting.

I would dare to say difficult. 

Why?

I took on clients where I saw so much potential. 

I knew they had it in them to change.

To receive everything they said they wanted.

The problem was...they couldn't see it!

They couldn't get past the lies they fed(excuse the pun)themselves. 

To step out of the box they had put themselves in and see the truth of who they are. 

They weren't ready to be their own Hero. 

Where do you stand?

Do you rank high on your list of priorities? 

Do you listen to what people have said or are saying about you?

Do you allow other people to deter/discourage you from making necessary changes?  

When you make decisions(do you?)regarding your self-care, do you choose what is in your best and highest interests? 

Take the time to evaluate and assess. 

This doesn't have to be hard.

Just decide. 

Stay low, stay quiet, keep it simple, don't expect too much, enjoy what you have.Dean Koontz
Decide who you want to be. 

I don't say that lightly.

But it was my first step to self-approval. 

At any weight!

I decided who I was.

Where I wanted to be.

How I wanted to be.

And I try to live with intention.

With mistakes along the way, and that is also okay. 

This is to encourage you to do the same. 

I am going to leave you with a blueprint of sorts.

Write it out and allow change to happen.

Wishing you Love & Peace...but mostly, Peace. 

1. Work on loving yourself, right now, at this moment 

 

2.  Have quiet time with yourself (time out!)

 3.   If you aren't willing to do the work for change, stop complaining. 

 

 4. Big thighs, save lives! Love your thighs. Love your face. Love your butt. Need I say more? Okay, I will: LOVE YOURSELF!

5. Speak kind words to yourself and try, to others. 

6. Admit when you need help and then get it. 

 

It Goes On

 “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

 Robert Frost.

I, like you, have read the Think pieces about all of the turmoil that the world, meaning us, went through this past year. The civil and racial unrest. The pandemic, job, and food insecurity...shall I go on? I know I don't need to. You get it. And while all of these things were happening, and it's clear they aren't being made up. Did you notice how life kept going on? One day followed another, and this beautiful Earth didn't explode. Maybe someday's we wanted the world to stop. But it didn't. With grumbling and some frustration, we got up and got things done. With kids home and some of us having to take in extended family, we got up and got things done. Life moves on. 

"Anything you can't control is teaching you how to let go."

Jackson Kiddard

Not being in control can feel scary. This past year has shown, that when people feel they have no control externally, they lose self-control. When you take the time to sit with yourself and think, what exactly do you control? Wait! Don't worry, this isn't me trying to be deep. I mean, who wants that? :) But know, the control is within us. This pandemic reinforced what I thought I already knew: How you take care of yourself, and your loved ones is the control you have. How you move in this world and present yourself, is control. When we take care of these important things, it's amazing how everything else falls into place. Does that sound too simplistic? Is it negating all of the world's angst? Not at all. But is the answer running down the street, yanking at our hair, screaming "THE PANDEMIC IS HERE AND YOU ARE ALL GOING TO LOSE YOUR JOBS AND GO HUUUUNGGRRYYY!!" Yeah, that will get you invited to next year's neighborhood barbeque. Self-control is part of the self-care bundle. When everyone is running around, maskless, and no social distancing to be seen, you'll be that one. Scared, probably, but with their ducks in a row. Controlling what you can, in-house, and everything else can work itself out.  

"Life is like the waves on the ocean, it keeps going."

Unknown

I decided a while back that if life was going to move on, with or without me, I might as well move on with it. Gently and with less complaining. Which was hard because I am such an awesome complainer! It's a talent. I am not prescient. I don't know what's coming around the corner of tomorrow. But I work with what I have. That is my advice to you. Send out positive vibes, even when the world wants to pull you with your good vibes down. Keep going! Work with what you have and believe when no one else will.

 I wish you all love and peace, but mostly, Peace! 

When You Are Related To Crazy, The Finale: Things My Mama Said

 "I don't know Karate! But I KNOW Ka-Razor!"

Mr. James Brown

I love the song "The Big Payback" so much. It always fueled my mood for retribution. Oh! You thought I was some Saint? You thought I have never thought of the big payback? Crossing the ones that have crossed me? Making calls and sending emails and burning down certain people's lives? Sure I did. I'm Human, aren't I? I understand the rage and the need to tell your side of the story. I understand how it feels to have the ones that wounded you, twist the story, not take responsibility for the pain they caused, and worst of all, spread lies. You have every right to feel anger and frustration. You have every right to cry. These are all normal reactions and so is wanting revenge. Let me explain why I never did seek the big payback...That Lady, also known as my Mama. I heard her as clear as a bell say, "Never allow anyone to change who you are at your core." And like that, the wind was taken out of my revenge fantasies. Sometimes it's a very jagged and bitter pill to swallow when you realize that you're a pretty decent person. And when the revenge haze wears off, you realize that what you really want, is inner peace. Revenge erodes the heart, just like bitterness and anger. And every last one of those negative emotions and actions will steal all joy from your life. Remember? We are healing. What we put out into the world, you can bet money, we will get it back. This leads me to ...

"You don't have to lift a finger against em'. Life will teach them."

Mama

There are those who don't believe in Karma and that's okay because Karma believes in them. For the good, the bad, or ugly we receive our just desserts. Would you agree? I, too, have been on the receiving end of those tables turning and it wasn't fun! On the other hand, when I put good out there and focused on my healing, I was amazed at how light I felt. Light is the best word that I have for releasing the pain of abuse. You will feel light. You will be light! How? You unburdened yourself of guilt and shame that wasn't yours to carry. Life is a wonderful teacher, so don't lay a hand or word against them. Allow life to have that honor. Don't revel in anyone's pain, focus on your healing. Let your light shine through.

"Even though your wounds are not your fault, your healing is still your responsibility." 

I wrote this series to let you know you are not alone and that you are loved. At this moment you might feel as if you will never overcome the emotional pain that you are in. That doesn't have to be the case at all! Healing is there for you if you put in the work. You have the power to break this pattern and be happy. To wake up every day and find joy. It's worth it. YOU are worth it! The life that you want is there for you...think about that, the way you do those revenge fantasies! Lol 

Wishing you peace and love...but mostly, Peace. 

When You Are Related To Crazy, Part 3: See Clearly

 "You can't heal in the place that made you sick."

Unknown

Have you made some changes? I need you to know that any adjustment, big or small, is progress. If you have read my other blogs in this series, you know that I know that change is not easy. You will have push back. You will, at times, have shaky legs, but you can survive this. Not only survive but also thrive!  Our goal here is to not constantly rehash the past. It is to see a future where you approve of yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. Let's do some work.

"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love"

Karolina Kurkova

Are you safe with yourself? It is an odd question, I know. It is also a question we rarely ask ourselves. We tend to focus on how others treat us, now I want you to look at how you treat yourself. What is your personal love language? Have you created a safe space for yourself to heal?  

"I approve of myself"

"I am safe"

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

Affirm yourself. Affirmations are so important! I can't say it enough or write it enough. Looking outside of ourselves for approval is very dangerous. Why? Happiness comes from within. Self-worth is not found in the crowd, only we can give ourselves that. When we look outside of ourselves for love, caring, approval(especially coming from a dysfunctional family)we put ourselves in situations where we will always work against our self-interests. There is no doubt that this is "moving differently" for a lot of us, but if you have started doing the work, keep going! Be proud for following through and being an advocate for yourself. Say them with me: 

"I approve of myself"

"I am safe"

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

"We ignore seeing the truth for temporary happiness"

But are you happy? It might sound dramatic to some, but when I was still believing I could heal surrounded by the same people who hurt me, I was never happy! In fact, I was resentful and passive-aggressive, these are all facts. When I look back at my younger self, there are no judgments and I don't want you to judge yourself. It takes time and patience with self to clean this up, give yourself this gift. I won't give you too much homework to do! Start with the affirmations, create your boundaries, incorporate deep breathing throughout your day, and be ready for your healing. See and speak your truth because you are worthy! Remember: "We are only as blind as we want to be." Maya Angelou and when you want to heal, the truth ain't pretty most times, but it will set you free. 

Repeat after me: 

"I approve of myself" 

"I am safe" 

"I am loved, loving and lovable"

 Wishing you all love and peace, but mostly peace! 

When You Are Related To Crazy Pt. 2: Boundaries and Why You Need Them!

 "Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it."

If it was easy, everyone would do it. I'm talking about creating and being committed to keeping boundaries. Setting boundaries is hard, there is no question about it. It is especially hard when you have been raised in dysfunction. But the fact that you are reading this, and have probably made some moves to heal, means you are ready for the next phase: Creating The List. What's "The List?" you might ask. Let's go! 

"Cutting people from my life doesn't mean I hate them. It means I respect myself." 

Who are we without our families? It is a question some of us have asked when we have allowed ourselves to question the behaviors and actions of family members. When we allow ourselves to see clearly. Ignorance and "blindness" can be blissful...until they aren't. Do you know who you are without your family? Are the roots of familial dysfunction so deep, that you can't dig your way out? I need you to sit down, with a pen and paper and think. Close your eyes, take deep cleansing breaths, and with clarity, start writing a list:

1.Who hurt you? Still keeping it within the family unit.

2. How old were you?

3. How it made you feel.

4. How did it change the trajectory of your life? In connection to feeling, trusting, loving, how you interact with others. How do you feel about yourself? 

5. Are these people still in your life? 

I need you to know, this list is not a one-day assignment. The more memories you allow to surface, the longer the list will become, and that is great! It's called the clean up for a reason. Now that you have your list, what do you do? Start from the top of the list. Why? There was a reason why this person is number #1! Allow yourself to remember. It's okay, you are brave, you can do this! Write down how you feel when thinking of them at this age. What do you get from the interaction with them? Is the relationship healthy? Remember, you are worthy and so are your feelings. There is no shame here...write it all out. Where do you go from here? 

"NO! Is NOT a curse word!"

The moment I learned to feel the word no, the game changed. I say feel because we all start saying no around the age of two. Toddlers are every parent's nightmare because of that one word, "NO!" said/screamed with gusto! When do we forget we have the right to say NO! to what doesn't serve us? No is an instant boundary. No, said with assertion, is a beautiful thing to behold. A face to face conversation might not be in the mix, for now, so here are a few tips:

1. Write them a letter or send an email. I don't recommend texting.

2. Always value yourself and your time. You are important and should be treated well. 

3. Do what is best for you. When you finally say no to all of the drama, you do not have to explain why. 

4. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a confrontation. Be direct without being confrontational. Keep the focus on your needs, even if they don't get it. This is for you! 

5. Create a list of coping skills and strategies. How do you learn coping skills? By knowing your triggers. We all have them.  

6. Step away. There should be no guilt connected in saying I have had enough. There is also no time limit to healing. Again, do what is best for you.  

"Toxic people will make you feel like you're holding a grudge. No, dude. That's a boundary."

I love that quote! But let me tell you something when you start to approve of yourself, you will be amazed as to how your life will change. It all comes down to self-worth. You have the power as to who you want in your space. Affirm: "I approve of myself" every chance you get. Are you able to look into a mirror and say it to yourself? I know it sounds crazy, but try it...can you do it? If not, that is part of the assignment(I love giving assignments!:).  There is a wonderful quote from Lalah Deliah that reads "She remembered who she was and the game changed." Remember who you are. Wishing you love and peace, but mostly peace. 

When You Are Related To Crazy Pt. 1 The Disengagement

 "Love didn't hurt you. Someone who doesn't know how to love hurt you. Don't confuse the two." 

Steve Maraboli

This is a blog for healing. I don't write it to revisit pain; physical or mental. Because as you probably already know, mental pain will manifest into physical pain. So I don't need to write about that. You also know your own story of dysfunction and a considerable amount of mine, so I don't need to delve into that again. This is the "How To" blog. I am writing this in segments. The first being about disengagement. This is a big deal. You know why? What you are saying, is that you choose you. That you are willing and able to stand alone. How to start: 

1. Affirm, every day, that you approve of yourself and your decisions. You are to say this out loud to yourself as many times a day as possible. It will seem weird and crazy...but you've dealt with worse kinds of crazy so this ain't bad at all! 

2. Remember, salt and sugar look the same, so be careful who you trust and allow into your personal space. You must use discernment and trust what your physical eyes and mental intuition are telling you. Ask yourself: How do I feel when I am with this person or these people? Would I be friends with them if I wasn't related to them? Was there physical, mental, or sexual abuse in this relationship? If the answer is yes to one or all, have you healed? Did you receive counseling? If not; please do! There is no healing if you are in denial and fraternizing with someone who is toxic. 

3. Love doesn't hurt. When you are raised in toxicity, you will find that you attract toxic people. No, I know you don't mean to, none of us do. Once you make the leap to filter out the toxic family members, the next step is to sift and shed the "friends" connected to those toxic family members. Ask yourself these questions: Why are they still here? What am I getting from this/these relationships? Is holding on to them a way for me to hold on to the toxic family members? Is there love, mutual upbuilding, laughter? 

4. Forgiveness is freedom. Disengagement should(if possible)not be done from a place of hatred. Why? You will always go back. As the song says "It's a thin line between love and hate." Hating doesn't allow for clear thinking. It is hard to see through the haze of hatred. Believe me, I have been there, which is why I can tell you that you will go back. Once your self-approval rating goes up and you are being "rebuilt" on a foundation of love, the healing has started. You won't have much time for hate. 

"I am mine.

Before I am ever anyone else's."

-in

I need you to remember something.

Disengaging takes time. It is a work in progress!

Please do not be hard on yourself, if you find yourself in the company of people that have caused you pain. 

You are yours first. You have to live in your body, with your own thoughts and memories. It is your divine right to be at peace with all three of those. Happiness is available and so is love...they live inside of you. Wishing you peace and love...But mostly Peace.