As We Wake Up

As I lie in bed, as the day starts, before my feet hit the floor, I list all the reasons I love me. Yes, I do. Don't you? And if you don't, why don't you? It isn't conceit, it is confidence and listing all the reasons why you love yourself is a confidence builder. No one can love you as much as you love yourself. No one knows you better than you, so don't you know all of your love-able ways? One of my good friends calls it her "Why I AM the Shit!" list(I love it.. though I am not calling myself poop).  On this list you write all of the things that make you.. You. The things you love most about yourself( if you have nothing, we have serious work to do) Your laugh, your smile, your walk, your talk, the way you treat people( even when they are douche bags) etc. I am going to sound like a cheerleader here, ready? Self-worth is AWESOME! And when you love yourself, you know your worth. And when someone knows who they are and what their worth is; people who are negative and full of drama run for the hills. Believe me, they do. Let's clarify the difference between conceit and confidence: Conceit is usually a mask to cover insecurities. Most people that play at conceit are nasty to people and always rip other people apart. What they say of others they usually feel about themselves and none of it is nice. Confident people on the other hand, don't care what others think. They waste no time defending themselves against lies and liars, it is a waste of time, so they keep it moving. They are usually very personable and sure of themselves. Their self-esteem has been built from within, so compliments, though nice, aren't what motivates them. It is what they believe about themselves that keeps them going. The light that emanates from people like this is always bright and beautiful( if you believe in such things, and I do) and negativity can't abide them long. Everyday I strive to be this person and help others become this. Hence the list, the ultimate confidence builder. Write the list! I know some of you become embarrassed about writing nice things about yourself(why? I don't know), but can give me all of the bad things! Focus on your goodness, be kind to yourself. I will give you one: I love how I love people. Try and write at least 10 things that you love about You.
Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly... Love for yourself! 
Gotcha:)

Why Write?

The world took over my life for awhile and I didn't have or make time to write my blog or even in my journal, and I found I was getting sadder and sadder. It took me some time to figure out why I was feeling, at times, emotionally overwhelmed (sounds very dramatic, but true), it was due to the fact that I wasn't releasing my feelings on paper. Writing is cathartic for some of us. Some days when you feel as if you can't put a coherent sentence together; get pen and paper and be amazed at all you CAN say non-verbally. I am a better writer than speaker, some would say to this statement that I am full of it, they hear me talk all day. But that is work, not saying what you feel at all, could you imagine if we all said exactly how we feel at work? It would be lovely, but expect to be shown the door. Growing up I was told to "Not wear my heart on my coat sleeve." which means don't let people know what you are feeling. Be more analytical, less emotional, listen instead of speaking and stop being so thin skinned! Well when you are a kid and you hear this... a lot, you learn to repress emotions. You start to second guess what you really feel and are afraid and too distrustful to share what you feel. This makes for sticky situations in any relationship you are trying to maintain by the way. Because you never say what is really going on with you emotionally, how can anyone gauge where your mind is? I had a difficult time speaking, because in the back of my mind I was always wondering if I was being judged, was I saying too much? Was this information going to be used against me later? Talk about paranoia and fear! So I became more a listener and when you become The Listener, you will then attract to you people that don't want to hear your stories, they just want to talk about themselves; the ultimate one-sided conversationalist. And how can you be irritated by them? Isn't this what you wanted? To hide? Enter writing! One day I had had it up to the ceiling with something or the other and couldn't verbalize it. I was so frustrated, so I do remember going up to my room and grabbing one of the many journals that I would buy and never use, and I just started writing, and writing and writing, I couldn't stop. When I was finally done, I felt relieved and then guilty, can you believe guilty? I felt that I had betrayed my upbringing. Isn't it sad how we hold on to these idea's that if we speak the Truth we will betray others?  Well too bad, once the words hit the paper there was the truth, in black and white. For me there was no turning back and I didn't want to, writing had become therapy. The more I wrote, the easier it was to talk and listen to people. My sense of my own power, of self, my perceptions about situations started to change once written down, and once that changed I didn't care if I was being judged for my own feelings. Those judging are going to do that anyway, right? Writing has helped me with my goals: write them down, put them where you can see them and they keep you honest. You can't lie and write. Think about it; who are you lying to? Yourself!  We have enough of that going around, don't do it.  I will leave you with this: For me, writing is exploration; and most of the time, I'm surprised where the journey takes me. 
Jack Dann  

Wishing you all Love and Peace, but mostly Peace! 

Whistle While you Work

      "Whatever you are, be a good one"

       Abraham Lincoln

I love that quote, it says all that needs saying. Whatever you do or are, be good at it, but can we also add be happy? How many people can you count that are actually happy with their jobs? High or low pay, corner office, secretary, one hour lunch breaks, and still miserable. And when people aren't happy with the job they have, they tend to not do a good job, they called that back in the day "low morale." Some call it getting fired quick, I call it taking up space and wasting time and money; yours and the company you work for.  Research has shown the correlation between low morale and work performance, which equals thousands or millions lost for the company. I understand, as I am sure you do as well, why people stay on jobs where they are completely miserable. Heck! I have been one of those people: Children, bills, car note,groceries, did I say bills? But I wish I knew then what I know now: That changing my perspective on my position in Life and on the job, depended on my thoughts about me and my worth. Not on what other people considered success, which is usually what your title is and how much money is attached to that title.  Back in the day I was a Maid, there is no shame in that. Nor have I ever been ashamed, until I met someone who tried to shame me! When I told them I had been a maid and had my own cleaning service years ago, they looked at me with incredulity. They asked me, in a whisper by the way( as if they were saying a dirty word) how that felt? I responded that it was hard work, but perfect for a clean freak( which I am!) and someone who doesn't want to talk to people and at that time in my life I didn't. You see, I was excellent at that job. I loved stepping back and seeing a job well done and smelling a clean house or office and most of all; I was Happy! This is the whole goal in life isn't it? I met two people this week( and it is just Wednesday) that made my day with their enthusiasm about their jobs. They don't have high powered jobs or a corner office, one is a cashier at the Dollar Store and the other a cashier at Dunkin' Donuts. But man! Are they happy and when I thanked one of the ladies for helping me, you know what she said to me? "No problem! I love my job and I love helping people." WHAT!? She loves her job,she loves helping people and she is good at it! That is the key to being great at whatever you do in any position. Not just going through the motions to pay the bills, but waking up ready to be the best at being happy on your job. Regardless of who or what you have to deal with, positive or negative, change your perspective, adjust your disposition and watch your world change with you. Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

P.S- if you want to read a great book on how to have passion in your work and Life, read: The Fred Factor by Mark Sanborn

A Love Letter

As I sit here and write to you Eloy, my brother, I can't help but laugh. The memories of us as children, the laughter, the fights(rare), the abuse and all of the love we shared, fill me and sometimes overwhelm me. When we met I was eight and you were six, your mother had taken you and your older and younger brother's from your dad and my father took a suitcase and his... dick. But okay, my mother survived and a new family was formed. There you all were, my step-brother's, as Mexican as I was Black, and we didn't care, most children don't. I knew from the moment I met you that we would be close and we were. Thank you to my mother who explained to all of us that there is no such thing as step or half brother and sister: "You are her brother" as she pointed at you and me "And she is your sister!" end of story. I remember only one 'bad' argument between us and I believe it was due to teenage angst more than anything. But believe me, I still find myself getting mad that you took someone else's side over MINE!? How dare you! And I know if you were here, you would find this totally hilarious. You would bring up how I didn't talk to you for two weeks, how I cried and said you never take sides against me (who am I? The Mob?!) The memories make me laugh of us cooking together, creating cleaning and eating contests for the other siblings, saving money together so that we could take the younger brothers and sisters to the movies and have pizza parties. How giving you were, even as a little kid; I remember telling you the story when I was around ten, about how my white kitten was killed by a dog. The next time I came to the house for daddy/kid(s) visit, you had a picture of a white kitten for me with your signature and "I love you," at the bottom of the portrait. I still have it by the way. I am grateful to you for sharing your secrets of abuse with me, told in whispers and a lot of hand holding. I told you some, but not all, because it was still going on, how could I? I think you already knew anyway. Just like you said to me when you came out "I know you already know Lynn, you are smarter than the average bear!" And there is that sense of humor that I loved beyond anything else. How you could and did laugh with your whole body. That fall out of the chair, hold your stomach type of laughter that siblings have when they are all together and there is always that running joke that no one else gets. I could list so many things that made you special: Your sense of style (which is one of the many reasons you loved my Mama! Both clothes hog's), you died before the term 'Metro Sexual' but boy does that fit you! Your supreme loyalty and honesty, until the end. With every death it seems comes a sense of guilt, your death is no different, we all think there was something that could have been done differently.There wasn't. That big disease with the little name took you and you went the way you wanted. Alone. So you too! Independent with a flair of the dramatic. How could I not respect that? All I could do was be mad and laugh. When I met your friends they all said how you always talked about your brother's and sister's how proud of us you were and how we all have such a sense of style; so for you we dressed to the nine's on your goodbye day, red lipstick and all. You would have loved it! I need you to know how much I love you. That I was always proud of you, that even in our disagreements the love was there. You were and always will be my Best brother and I always wished you Love and Peace, and now you have both. Peace my Eloy. 

Ssshhhh....

There was a game we would play when I was a child( I believe created by my mother!) who could sit silently for at least twenty minutes?  Without the television, radio, book, no distractions, just yourself and your thoughts.  I could never win this game! I needed questions answered, I had things to say and I needed to say them right NOW! Quickly! Before the thought flew from my brain, out of my ears, never to be seen again. My Mama was a quiet woman. Spoke when she had something to say and didn't babble, nor did she tolerate it from others, especially a daughter who couldn't be quiet. Oh yeah, that would have been me. Ssssshhh! she would say "Lynn( nickname)! Silence is golden." Mama's nice way of saying SHUT! UP! The S word in our house was considered a swear word, just like being called a Babbler was tantamount to being called a bitch. "Lynn, YOU are babbling and must sshh!" that shushing by the way was said so quickly sometimes it felt like a slap. As I got older, my mother decided to use my teenage vanity and ego against me to get silence: "Lynn, you know Men don't like women that talk a lot." Really? I would ask. "No, they will think she is dilly and full of empty thoughts" Mama would say. Now did this work? Of course it did! I was fifteen and thought I was The deepest, most evolved person alive. I couldn't have boys or anyone for that matter believing otherwise. The Silence Project began. What did this entail? Not feeling that I needed to be a part of every conversation and if someone is wrong with their facts on any given subject, let it go. Silence became golden! I learned, at around sixteen, to relax and just listen. As I have become older, the Silence Project has only gotten better. I have come to enjoy moments of stillness, silence and my own inner workings. Silence has stopped arguments for me, I don't respond until I am ready. When I am sad, angry or even happy; a moment of silence to ponder things over, reminisce over the good memories or go over what went wrong and how I can make it better or not, always helps. I have become that silent Woman (Lord! I am my Mama:) who can listen and take what I need and leave the rest. That Woman that doesn't have to fill the quiet with empty words to feel full. My best thoughts and idea's come from sitting silently,then getting to work and feeling that overwhelming sense of satisfaction. Peace, be still. Peace, be silent. 

Intuition

I can only speak from a woman's point of view, because last I checked; I am a Woman. So speaking as a woman, I will say this: I don't understand women. How many times, throughout time, has this been said? Mostly by men probably, but when said by a women; I think it carries more weight. I just made myself giggle, because I am sure someone just called me sexist, in reverse. I don't understand women in a different way than what men are referring to; there is no love connection that is frustrating me, no displaced emotions, no unrequited love situation, just a woman not understanding her gender. We women have a power that is so underutilized it frightens me. Women have Intuition. Now we have people that will poo-poo female intuition, say that it is a myth, crazy talk, etc. I beg to differ. It's there, but ignored, cast away and second guessed, called pms-ing or a mood swing. We are so out of touch with trusting our own gut feelings that we relegate them to pre-menstrual syndrome? How sad is that? I can only speak from my own experiences and some have come the hard way because I didn't pay attention or refused to face what was in front of me. One case in point: The Case of the Man that beat my ass while driving down highway 41. When I first met him, my gut said, in a clear voice: "RUN! He is crazy!" You think I am making this up for your amusement? I am not. I told everyone he had issues, he wasn't for me, then why did I end up with him? So when I was being chased down Rush Street, being cursed at and slammed into my car, punched in the face(while driving) and my right shoulder being yanked out of its socket; could I be surprised people? I saw it. I KNEW it would come to this, intuitively. We sometimes see what we want, we agree to this "blindness" we give our permission to shut down and tune out to what is a gift; our inner feelings. Sometimes the Truth can scare us, take our breath away with its brightness and our own feelings, when connected with Truth, will only lift us up to a higher level of intuitiveness. Don't run! embrace it and trust your gut. Even if you have to be a not very nice girl, let that female dog out. Let her roam free and proud, checking the perimeter for danger, barking when she needs to, biting when necessary and sweet when she is rubbed just right. Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly Peace.  

Love, Oh Love!

There isn't anything, well besides the flu, that makes you feel as sick as love. Nausea, bouts of dizziness, a racing heart rate, how we vacillate between happiness and despair, it is disgusting! I realized that I was Falling some months back, it wouldn't go away, believe me, I tried to deny it. You see; I don't make time for the Man/Woman relationship thing. I work, I write, sometimes at the same time. I am not one of those hard career women that are bent on never being in a relationship mind you. But been there and done it and have the scars to prove it, so I wasn't looking, and WHOOP! there it is. It has been so long since I have felt these "butterflies" that I actually thought I was getting sick, seriously! I was asking myself "What the HECK is wrong with you?!' Then it hit me, and I felt giddy with happiness. Only love can give you that feeling. How could I have missed the signs? When he walks into the room, how I only want to talk and be near him? I actually listen and hear him when he talks. His opinion matters to me! WHAT!? I feel like a Woman around him and I act like one, YUCK! I am no wilting flower nor a DID ( damsel in distress) but I feel really girly  and sexy around him and I love it. Love does this, you don't even know there is a void until you start to feel it and it is a feeling that we should never be without.  It is okay to want and to feel love, we will deny it out of fear of being hurt instead of just allowing it to Be. It doesn't make us weak, love really only strengthens us. If you have been through relationships that didn't work, and I have, regret nothing! These are the experiences that will teach us, if we are ready to learn, how to be comfortable with who we are and attract the "perfect" person for us. We aren't perfect, but Love is and when the right person finds you; your love will be perfect for each other. Love heals. Love binds wounds. Love is hope. Love is pleasure. Love is happiness and laughter. This love I feel will be our secret, but I feel such gratitude to know I can still feel this way and that I am open to feeling this way. Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly.. LOVE! :)