Ssshhhh....

There was a game we would play when I was a child( I believe created by my mother!) who could sit silently for at least twenty minutes?  Without the television, radio, book, no distractions, just yourself and your thoughts.  I could never win this game! I needed questions answered, I had things to say and I needed to say them right NOW! Quickly! Before the thought flew from my brain, out of my ears, never to be seen again. My Mama was a quiet woman. Spoke when she had something to say and didn't babble, nor did she tolerate it from others, especially a daughter who couldn't be quiet. Oh yeah, that would have been me. Ssssshhh! she would say "Lynn( nickname)! Silence is golden." Mama's nice way of saying SHUT! UP! The S word in our house was considered a swear word, just like being called a Babbler was tantamount to being called a bitch. "Lynn, YOU are babbling and must sshh!" that shushing by the way was said so quickly sometimes it felt like a slap. As I got older, my mother decided to use my teenage vanity and ego against me to get silence: "Lynn, you know Men don't like women that talk a lot." Really? I would ask. "No, they will think she is dilly and full of empty thoughts" Mama would say. Now did this work? Of course it did! I was fifteen and thought I was The deepest, most evolved person alive. I couldn't have boys or anyone for that matter believing otherwise. The Silence Project began. What did this entail? Not feeling that I needed to be a part of every conversation and if someone is wrong with their facts on any given subject, let it go. Silence became golden! I learned, at around sixteen, to relax and just listen. As I have become older, the Silence Project has only gotten better. I have come to enjoy moments of stillness, silence and my own inner workings. Silence has stopped arguments for me, I don't respond until I am ready. When I am sad, angry or even happy; a moment of silence to ponder things over, reminisce over the good memories or go over what went wrong and how I can make it better or not, always helps. I have become that silent Woman (Lord! I am my Mama:) who can listen and take what I need and leave the rest. That Woman that doesn't have to fill the quiet with empty words to feel full. My best thoughts and idea's come from sitting silently,then getting to work and feeling that overwhelming sense of satisfaction. Peace, be still. Peace, be silent. 

Intuition

I can only speak from a woman's point of view, because last I checked; I am a Woman. So speaking as a woman, I will say this: I don't understand women. How many times, throughout time, has this been said? Mostly by men probably, but when said by a women; I think it carries more weight. I just made myself giggle, because I am sure someone just called me sexist, in reverse. I don't understand women in a different way than what men are referring to; there is no love connection that is frustrating me, no displaced emotions, no unrequited love situation, just a woman not understanding her gender. We women have a power that is so underutilized it frightens me. Women have Intuition. Now we have people that will poo-poo female intuition, say that it is a myth, crazy talk, etc. I beg to differ. It's there, but ignored, cast away and second guessed, called pms-ing or a mood swing. We are so out of touch with trusting our own gut feelings that we relegate them to pre-menstrual syndrome? How sad is that? I can only speak from my own experiences and some have come the hard way because I didn't pay attention or refused to face what was in front of me. One case in point: The Case of the Man that beat my ass while driving down highway 41. When I first met him, my gut said, in a clear voice: "RUN! He is crazy!" You think I am making this up for your amusement? I am not. I told everyone he had issues, he wasn't for me, then why did I end up with him? So when I was being chased down Rush Street, being cursed at and slammed into my car, punched in the face(while driving) and my right shoulder being yanked out of its socket; could I be surprised people? I saw it. I KNEW it would come to this, intuitively. We sometimes see what we want, we agree to this "blindness" we give our permission to shut down and tune out to what is a gift; our inner feelings. Sometimes the Truth can scare us, take our breath away with its brightness and our own feelings, when connected with Truth, will only lift us up to a higher level of intuitiveness. Don't run! embrace it and trust your gut. Even if you have to be a not very nice girl, let that female dog out. Let her roam free and proud, checking the perimeter for danger, barking when she needs to, biting when necessary and sweet when she is rubbed just right. Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly Peace.  

Love, Oh Love!

There isn't anything, well besides the flu, that makes you feel as sick as love. Nausea, bouts of dizziness, a racing heart rate, how we vacillate between happiness and despair, it is disgusting! I realized that I was Falling some months back, it wouldn't go away, believe me, I tried to deny it. You see; I don't make time for the Man/Woman relationship thing. I work, I write, sometimes at the same time. I am not one of those hard career women that are bent on never being in a relationship mind you. But been there and done it and have the scars to prove it, so I wasn't looking, and WHOOP! there it is. It has been so long since I have felt these "butterflies" that I actually thought I was getting sick, seriously! I was asking myself "What the HECK is wrong with you?!' Then it hit me, and I felt giddy with happiness. Only love can give you that feeling. How could I have missed the signs? When he walks into the room, how I only want to talk and be near him? I actually listen and hear him when he talks. His opinion matters to me! WHAT!? I feel like a Woman around him and I act like one, YUCK! I am no wilting flower nor a DID ( damsel in distress) but I feel really girly  and sexy around him and I love it. Love does this, you don't even know there is a void until you start to feel it and it is a feeling that we should never be without.  It is okay to want and to feel love, we will deny it out of fear of being hurt instead of just allowing it to Be. It doesn't make us weak, love really only strengthens us. If you have been through relationships that didn't work, and I have, regret nothing! These are the experiences that will teach us, if we are ready to learn, how to be comfortable with who we are and attract the "perfect" person for us. We aren't perfect, but Love is and when the right person finds you; your love will be perfect for each other. Love heals. Love binds wounds. Love is hope. Love is pleasure. Love is happiness and laughter. This love I feel will be our secret, but I feel such gratitude to know I can still feel this way and that I am open to feeling this way. Wishing you Love and Peace, but mostly.. LOVE! :) 

Hey! I'm Human.

I have come to realize, maybe late, that it is okay to have hurt feelings. It is also okay to feel disappointment. Neither one will kill you, they just hurt, sometimes badly.  I won't lie to you; I don't like being wrong(who does!?) but I really don't like being wrong about people and their intentions toward me. But lately, I have been having a lot of hit and misses with people in my personal life, as far as gauging what the signals are that are being thrown at me. My personal "intention compass" is off and I find myself frustrated and upset with people and myself. Why am I upset with myself? For caring. For being hurt. For Loving and being disappointed. Sometimes as humans, we forget that we are just that, Human. Not an unfeeling robot, but human. So once I allow myself to hurt and acknowledge the fact that I am not Super Woman, I will let this go. That's the hardest part isn't it? The letting go. Well we all know the saying: "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.. by the way, I dislike that saying! :)
Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

HEY! Fat Girl!

Being a fat kid is hard. Being a fat girl in this society, is even harder. I was the fat girl and I remember, no matter how hard I try to forget, all the slights and name calling that was thrown my way. Not by strangers, but family. Now I have written about this before, but a conversation I had last week with a young lady prompted me to remember and I got PISSED! Who do these people think they are? You would think that being family that they would not say hurtful things to you, that they would look after your emotional and physical well-being. Not always the case I see. Everyone talks about bullying in the schools, they have whole commercials and talk shows dedicated to the subject. They talk about how being different is okay; different ethnically, sexually, etc. and that is wonderful. But I swear I have never seen or heard anyone talk about being the fat girl in school or being totally, emotionally whipped by family. Now, I am not saying that they don't have something out there that addresses this, I have just never seen it.  Then I wonder about the parents that allow siblings to pick on and humiliate other siblings, why don't they stop it? Some excuse it as sibling rivalry, really?! How is being called a fat bitch by your own brother sibling rivalry? Tubby, whale, elephant, tub-a-lard, I could go on, I have a slew of them. As I was talking to this girl and seeing her hurt, and hearing her hurt, my heart went out to her. No one can hurt you like family and we can't control who we are related to. But she understood that this IS a form of bullying and it isn't normal nor should you get used to such bad behavior. Our job as parents and family members is to teach all of our children that they are special. That's it. It shouldn't be a hard job! Not to allow one child to belittle another. That's it. Is this so hard? When we don't help our children love themselves that is a recipe for disaster. Have we all not watched enough Oprah and Dr. Phil shows to know what happens to kids with low self-esteem? We have to do better parents! Pay attention to what is going on in your homes. Wishing you Peace and Love, but mostly Peace. 

Forgiven and Forgotten

Besides me trying to be the most positive person EVER! I have really been working on forgiveness. Oh Yes, the F-word.  Holy Crap! it's hard.  I read a book that requests that you list all of the people that have crossed you, every last one, then write how they have wronged you. You will be amazed at how long this list can get. Then, when you have done all of this, here is the kicker: YOU MUST FORGIVE THEM! Incredibly difficult and mind blowing. Why? Because as you are writing all of this stuff down, you start to notice a pattern in your behavior and in your interactions with other people. If you are willing to recognize it for what it is, great change can happen for you! There can be no excuses, because the Truth will be staring you right in the face, all in black and white. The questions I started asking myself, once I noticed my patterns were: 1. Why did I attract these particular people into my life( Family we can do absolutely nothing about.. sorry!)?  2. Why did I allow myself to be treated in such a way( and it IS an allowing) 3. What did I get out of it? If anything.  4. What did I learn? If anything. 
Sometimes I don't know if the lesson learned is meant to be big or small, but usually it is painful(let's not lie) and so we, I, better learn it and not repeat! Well, I have repeated a few mistakes, I ain't perfect people! And the sick thing is; I KNEW they were mistakes. Oh well, I had to be totally sure. Guess what? that's okay, our world won't end, but our perspective will change. Hopefully to gain better judgement and clearer vision.  Forgiveness gives us all of that believe it or not.  When we don't forgive we are in a constant state of "pissed off" syndrome.  Sometimes we don't even know it or show it, but we are seething inside. Resentments, grudges, small and big hurts, anger, all of them sitting there ready to send us straight to the E.R. Forgive and let go. I don't mean forgive and then have picnics with everyone on your list, forgiveness is for you. Do you know how many people I have forgiven and don't see? Of course you don't know! just know it's a lot. But I don't harbor any ill will toward them. I wish them well and I also wish not to ever need to be in their presence again. That is the letting go part. I guess my point is; even in these tumultuous times we can have happiness. Isn't that a better choice? Why hold on to memories, situations or even people that keep you from this happiness and peace? Forgive and let go so you can reach the next level called: "I'm done and moving on." But that is in my next blog:)
Wishing you love and peace, but mostly Peace. 

Parenting sucks OR Watch what you say!

Being a parent is hard, with or without support, it's hard.  Understatement of the year right? Even when you believe you have done a fantastic job or at least fifty times better than your parent(s), you messed up somewhere. I was going through what I thought was my daughters recipe book (Really! I did!)it was something she wrote some years ago regarding a conversation I had with her when she was seven.  I was appalled.  Not that it was cruel or spiteful, but the wording that I used was too soon and too grown for a seven year old.  Words that could easily be taken out of context and to the ears and mind of a seven year old, just harsh. Words meant to bolster self-esteem and "awareness" undermined her self-confidence and made her question her ideas about herself.  As I read, I became so ashamed and I just wanted to rip the page out of the book! Maybe if it wasn't in the book, she wouldn't remember? Not that easy huh? That was my pride and ego talking and I left the page intact. What's funny is that I remember those same words being said to me by my mother. Does the cycle ever end? At some point, if you love your children, you will break it. With time we mature and so do our parenting skills(hopefully) I was a different person back then. Self-awareness was an unknown place for me. This Dawn would have chosen better words; clear and thought out. I can't take back the words nor can I magically erase bad memories of me from my children's minds. But everyday I work hard to be a better Human and a better parent. I have, as we all do, that power.