"I am strong! I can do this. You are a Trainer! Get up, Girl! GET UP!"
Those are the words that kept circling my mind as I tried to lift myself from my mattress to get to the bathroom. Something so simple. Something that I always took for granted, walking. I haven't written because I couldn't bring myself to. What could I say that was positive? How could I help anyone when I felt I couldn't help myself? Pain is the great equalizer. It doesn't discriminate, show favoritism and is an equal opportunist. I didn't know there were different types of pain. I mean I know there are levels of pain, but not types. Since being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder I have learned about types of pain. Hip pain to the point where you can't walk. Shoulder and neck pain to the point where you can't dress without assistance. Over all limb weakness and lethargy. And then sadness and incredulity set in. Who is this person I have become? Why ME!?
"I am strong! I can do this! I'm a TRAINER!"
Having an autoimmune disorder is hard for anyone. There is no doubt that anyone with any type of chronic pain feels the need to ask why me? I found that I was driving myself insane with the question. I couldn't get it out of my head. Am I not the strong Lady? Wasn't I the strong, healthy girl? People thought to embarrass me when I was younger because I was the tallest and strongest. But I found comfort in my strength and my good health. I turned my strength into a business when I became a Trainer and Group Fitness Instructor. I totally identified with being a Trainer. I wasn't just Dawn. I am Dawn, The Trainer. I am the Beast that teaches three classes back to back. Then Trains five Clients. Then goes grocery shopping... Where is the break?
And the Trainer got the break...
Then one morning I couldn't get out of bed. Then one morning I couldn't roll over without excruciating pain. Then one morning I couldn't lift my arms. And my Life took a pause. I felt myself spinning out of control. This couldn't possibly be happening to me. But it is and what are you going to do?
"I lovingly release my past, they are free and I am free. All is well in my heart now."
Louise Hay
The first thing I had to do and still am working on is to not be ashamed to ask for help. I am The Mama! My kids should ask me for help, not the other way around. I felt humiliated and sometimes I still do. But it is a work in progress and must be done.
I had to learn to trust at least one Doctor. I get on his nerves. I question everything! And I research it all. You must be an advocate for yourself. Remember: They are NOT God. I also utilize alternative medicine. It takes longer to work but it doesn't hurt one thing while helping another thing. This has been a humbling journey. I am still Dawn The Strong just a different type of strong. And I am Blessed that people that love me have stepped up and allowed me to scream when the pain becomes too much and cry in front of them and they don't run away. Doctors don't know how long this will last, for a year or two or forever. But no one can tell you how sick or how well YOU choose to be. I do believe that to my core. This might offend some of you and that is not my intent. I can only refer to myself and my experiences. But can we all agree that we rarely take the time to listen to our bodies? That all the red flags will be there and we choose to ignore them? Please don't! Love on yourselves. Take breaks when you need to. It doesn't always have to be about the climb and the hustle. Wishing you peace and love...but really and mostly Peace.
