"Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why you keep allowing it."
If it was easy, everyone would do it. I'm talking about creating and being committed to keeping boundaries. Setting boundaries is hard, there is no question about it. It is especially hard when you have been raised in dysfunction. But the fact that you are reading this, and have probably made some moves to heal, means you are ready for the next phase: Creating The List. What's "The List?" you might ask. Let's go!
"Cutting people from my life doesn't mean I hate them. It means I respect myself."
Who are we without our families? It is a question some of us have asked when we have allowed ourselves to question the behaviors and actions of family members. When we allow ourselves to see clearly. Ignorance and "blindness" can be blissful...until they aren't. Do you know who you are without your family? Are the roots of familial dysfunction so deep, that you can't dig your way out? I need you to sit down, with a pen and paper and think. Close your eyes, take deep cleansing breaths, and with clarity, start writing a list:
1.Who hurt you? Still keeping it within the family unit.
2. How old were you?
3. How it made you feel.
4. How did it change the trajectory of your life? In connection to feeling, trusting, loving, how you interact with others. How do you feel about yourself?
5. Are these people still in your life?
I need you to know, this list is not a one-day assignment. The more memories you allow to surface, the longer the list will become, and that is great! It's called the clean up for a reason. Now that you have your list, what do you do? Start from the top of the list. Why? There was a reason why this person is number #1! Allow yourself to remember. It's okay, you are brave, you can do this! Write down how you feel when thinking of them at this age. What do you get from the interaction with them? Is the relationship healthy? Remember, you are worthy and so are your feelings. There is no shame here...write it all out. Where do you go from here?
"NO! Is NOT a curse word!"
The moment I learned to feel the word no, the game changed. I say feel because we all start saying no around the age of two. Toddlers are every parent's nightmare because of that one word, "NO!" said/screamed with gusto! When do we forget we have the right to say NO! to what doesn't serve us? No is an instant boundary. No, said with assertion, is a beautiful thing to behold. A face to face conversation might not be in the mix, for now, so here are a few tips:
1. Write them a letter or send an email. I don't recommend texting.
2. Always value yourself and your time. You are important and should be treated well.
3. Do what is best for you. When you finally say no to all of the drama, you do not have to explain why.
4. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a confrontation. Be direct without being confrontational. Keep the focus on your needs, even if they don't get it. This is for you!
5. Create a list of coping skills and strategies. How do you learn coping skills? By knowing your triggers. We all have them.
6. Step away. There should be no guilt connected in saying I have had enough. There is also no time limit to healing. Again, do what is best for you.
"Toxic people will make you feel like you're holding a grudge. No, dude. That's a boundary."
I love that quote! But let me tell you something when you start to approve of yourself, you will be amazed as to how your life will change. It all comes down to self-worth. You have the power as to who you want in your space. Affirm: "I approve of myself" every chance you get. Are you able to look into a mirror and say it to yourself? I know it sounds crazy, but try it...can you do it? If not, that is part of the assignment(I love giving assignments!:). There is a wonderful quote from Lalah Deliah that reads "She remembered who she was and the game changed." Remember who you are. Wishing you love and peace, but mostly peace.
